How To Build Your Confidence After a Breakup

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Feel like your confidence has been knocked after a breakup? Want to get it back? Feel like you again? In fact – not just like you, but the “you” you’ve always wanted to be? Then my friends, you’re in the right place, as here’s how to build your confidence after a breakup (in 10 key steps!)

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Is It Normal To Lose Confidence After a Breakup?

So first up, before we look at how to build your confidence after a breakup, let’s establish if it’s “normal” to lose your confidence after a breakup. Well, plain and simply – yes. Yes it is!

Ultimately, the person you was with for (however long it had been), no longer wants to be with you, or is no longer able to be with you (again, for whatever reason.)

And even if it was your decision – this can be difficult to adjust to.

Breakups stir up all kinds of emotion – from sadness to self-doubt, anger, hurt and pain. This in itself will shake you, which in turn, will naturally affect your level of confidence.

It takes time to feel better after a breakup. You have to start over – begin again…

This can be a daunting thing. Especially if you’re still in love with your ex and so are finding it difficult to let go, move on, and want to start afresh.

How Do You Not Lose Your Confidence After a Breakup?

Now, not everyone loses their confidence after a breakup.

In fact, if you were stuck in a toxic relationship and made the decision to walk away – it can actually be pretty empowering and only INCREASE your confidence after the breakup.

(Woah, I know, right now you may be thinking, “imagine that!”)

But if you didn’t have quite a freeing experience breakup, you may be wondering – how do you NOT lose your confidence after a breakup?

Well, it’s all about taking care of yourself, giving yourself the time and attention you need and understanding that the lack of confidence is likely to only be temporary…

How Do You Get Your Confidence Back After a Breakup?

So what do you do? How do you get your confidence back after a breakup?

Well there’s certainly some fundamental steps / actions you should take to build your confidence after a breakup. These are as followed:

1) Allow Yourself To Grieve

The first core, fundamental when it comes to building your confidence after a breakup is to allow yourself to grieve.

See, there’s a grieving process that we all go through after heartbreak and this can take more or less time, depending on the person, their situation and how they deal with the breakup.

(Whether they do more helpful or harmful things when healing!)

The thing is – the worst thing you can do is try to kid yourself that you’re suddenly all fine and dandy; repressing your emotions instead of PROPERLY feeling your emotions.

In fact, if you try to blag it and pretend you’re okay when you’re not, it only knocks your confidence further, because you know, deep down, you’re putting on act an.

You’re putting on an act and it’s conflicting with your authentic self.

So make sure you give yourself the time to heal properly after a breakup. Because the sooner you do that, the sooner you’ll find your confidence starts to come back!

2) Destroy Any “Baggage” That Could Come With It

Now, it’s one things grieving the loss and pain of the relationship (plus everything you had and thought you would have), but you also want to go one step further to make sure you don’t carry any baggage with you moving forward.

Not only can emotional baggage and unresolved “issues” from past relationships stop you from finding love or lead you to attract unhealthy relationships – but it also makes your relationships less likely to last AND means your confidence, as a whole, is far lower too!

Were you in a toxic or abusive relationship that completely drained you? Did your past relationship heighten your insecurities? Or perhaps the breakup itself increased self-doubt?

Whatever it is, it’s well worth exploring all of this and taking the time to properly work through it. As underlying issues like this, will impact your confidence more than you may realise!

Low Self-Esteem After a Breakup

3) Don’t Try To Get Your Ex Back

Next up, next up, if you want to build your confidence after a breakup and it’s definitely over; done (well, certainly for now anyway!) – you have to focus on YOURSELF, instead of trying to get them back.

I mean, you broke up for a reason. Getting back together wouldn’t even change the situation, or take away the initial reasons that led to you falling apart.

Rejection also only knocks your confidence further, as would getting back into the wrong relationship, or getting back into something at the wrong time. It’s damaging.

But that’s the thing – sometimes we can become so fixated on what we THINK we want, we forget what we actually NEED and what will be good for us.

So, don’t chase. Have some space. And in the meantime, cut your ex out your life. This means you don’t talk to them, you don’t social media stalk them.

In fact, if you have to block your ex on social media to stop keeping tabs on them – absolutely do!

Stressing about your ex makes you feel out of control – especially when you end up seeing things you don’t want to see.

(Like if your ex moves on quickly or gets over you before you’re over them.)

This only makes you feel LOUSIER about yourself. So, instead, trust that if you’re going to get back together at the right time – you will.

But for now, you can’t fixate on trying to get them back when it’s a losing battle, because every “failure” only makes you feel like you’re not good enough… when it’s not even true!

Allow the dust to settle and shift that focus back on you. You deserve it. Take the time out.

4) Break The Relationship Down

DID YOU KNOW, research shows that after a breakup, 70% of couples don’t get back together; 14% get back together only to break up again, which makes the number of couples successfully getting back together and staying together, very very slim.

For this reason, the last thing you want to do is cling onto the chance of getting back with your ex, and actually… you want to reach the point of acceptance so that you don’t want to either!

To do this, take a step back and really review your last relationship – what was right with it (and what you want to strive for in future relationships) but also what WASN’T right and why things ending in this breakup was actually pretty inevitable.

  • Work to gain closure even if you didn’t initially understand why it ended.
  • Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in your last relationship and remove any regret!
  • Remove those rose-tinted glasses and the take your ex off the pedestal you seem to have put him on – to actually see the situation, your ex and your past relationship, clearly!
  • Accept responsibility – yes. But stop putting it all on you! See the full picture, what it was like and why it wasn’t actually right!

This is a key breakup recovery exercise, so take the time to work through it properly.

You can also journal, or write a letter to your ex (which you won’t send of course!) Do anything to help you process things and gain the closure you need to let go.

Let everything out! Release it! Destroy those “what ifs” and doubt. Because all of this? It’s what will eat away at your confidence.

So it’s fundamental if you want to get that back fully & completely!

Lack of Confidence After a Breakup

5) Don’t Date Straight Away

Another “rule” if you want to build your confidence after a breakup – is to not jump straight back into dating straight away. Remember:

You won’t find your confidence in someone else. You have to find it within!

I honestly can’t stress this enough! In fact, seeking validation and searching for love from someone else because you feel like you NEED it, only knocks your confidence!

Now, there’s no set timescale in terms of when to start dating after a breakup. You can use these questions to ask yourself before dating, to make it clearer where you personally are at. But remember – everyone is different.

After all, if your relationship was beyond repair for a while, you may be able to date sooner and it will still be healthy to do so.

But if you broke up yesterday and everything still feels very-much raw, maybe don’t go on dating apps the next day! ( 😉 )

And when you do get back into dating agin – certainly go into it with the right intention! This actually leads me onto my next key point…

6) Date Lightly

If you want to start dating after a breakup, but dating the right way, then – always date lightly.

Don’t go into it looking for love. Go into it purely with the purpose of getting to know different people, starting to open your heart and mind again (even just a touch!) and having fun!

This doesn’t mean you have to end up messing anyone around. You just have to make it clear you’ve not long gotten out of a relationship and so aren’t 100% sure what you want and are ready for

That way everyone’s on the same page and there’s fully transparency!

But by talking to others and seeing that there are people you could kind of click with – it grows your confidence and pulls your mind away from your ex.

Just make sure you’re ready to do this and able to get back into dating positively, with the right outlook, purely looking to enjoy it!

Looking for a replacement or getting into a rebound relationship certainly won’t lead to long-term happiness or confidence, anyway. You have to learn to instead, be happy on your own…

7) Learn To Be Happy On Your Own

Talking of which – learning to be happy on your own is one of the absolute-best ways to build confidence after a breakup. After all, when you reach that point – it gives you so much power!

See, if you hate being single, there’s a good chance you’re still hurting after the breakup and are holding onto things which are dragging you down.

But don’t give up hope! Work through it all properly – with a professional if you need. Because being single really can be a good thing. You just have to learn how to embrace and enjoy it!

This doesn’t mean that you always have to feel alone.

In fact, there’s many ways you can still feel loved when you’re single. And you should certainly tap into your support network and feel that love and appreciation towards the others you have in your life, in order to lift yourself up.

However, you have to push yourself, you have to put the work in – to truly learn to be happy on your own. Find new hobbies, do fun things, fully embrace single life!

When you do this – not only will you finally end up feeling the way you want to feel, but the whole process of doing so will also be confidence-building and empowering as well!

Finding Happiness After Heartbreak

8) Be Kind To Yourself

Now through all of this, it’s vitally important, as you heal from heartbreak – to try not to be too hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up when you have wobbles!

Understand that the breakup process isn’t linear. You’ll have both up and down days – just like you’ll have days when you feel both more and less confident.

But know that not every set back also has to knock your confidence back too!

Be patient and gentle with yourself. You’ve just gone through a major life change! Breakups are a big deal. For this reason, self-care is also fundamental.

Get into the habit of doing small things daily to look after your mental, emotional & physical wellbeing. (This 30 Day Self Care Challenge is great for getting you into that!)

From journalling to meditating, right the way to empowering breakup affirmations – there’s endless helpful, positive practices.

Remember – the more you look after your body, the better your mind will begin to feel.

You want to do everything you can to help heal your heart and look after yourself, as that – in turn – makes a major difference in both your confidence and your breakup recovery.

Be Mindful Of Your Thoughts Too…

In line with being kind to yourself after a breakup, in order to rebuild your confidence, you also want to be mindful of your thoughts.

  • What kind of things do you say to yourself, and how could that affect your confidence or the way that you feel?
  • Is your self-talk supporting you, encouraging you, or being harsh on you and knocking you down? Become aware!
  • Then: once you notice it: challenge it. Work through these negative thoughts by not automatically taking them as the truth and instead – finding more empowering thoughts to take in.

9) Work On Yourself

There’s no denying that breakups can be painfully hard, but they can also be the best possible time – encouraging serious positive change and growth within!

So if you want to increase your confidence after a breakup, focus on how to improve yourself after a breakup and make this the turning point for you.

  • Look at the key areas of self improvement and what you can work on.
  • Take on a Self Improvement Challenge even – for yet more focus and stronger results!
  • You also want to look at any mistakes you made in your past relationship, but most importantly – how you will learn from them to become a better person, and a better partner in the future.
  • Whats more, you want to assess your last relationship and compare it against what you’re looking for now, to ensure you’re clear on your dating & relationship standards… plus the kind of person you need to be to attract what you deserve!
  • Work on any flaws you have, which are important to you.
  • Or swat up specifically on confidence as a whole. Here- these are some of the best books for building confidence to get you started!
  • Have fun finding happiness again. Gee, recreate yourself a little if you need! Because that’s the thing…

Really Push Yourself With This…

If you want to build your confidence after a breakup, you need to push yourself…

Push yourself to stop the damaging habits (like keeping tabs on your ex or wondering what they’re up to! Instead, you need to push yourself to focus on you, for you!

Get outside your comfort zone, do things you’ve never done before.

Do the things you really should do when you’re single. (In fact, work your way through this Singles Bucket List and embrace everything and all that single life has to offer!)

The more you do, the more you grow and the more your confidence will grow too!

Build yourself up to be the the person you want to be… and the person who genuinely feels like you. (The you that’s been trying to get out and shine through!)

See, when you shift your focus from the sadness and take back control of your life, your mind and your future – you’ll naturally see your confidence come on in leaps and bounds as you grow into your most authentic self!

10) Learn To Love Yourself

Last but not least then, you cannot forget to focus on self-love as self-love and self-confidence really do, work hand in hand. If you’re feeling the loss of love, find new love from within...

Work on your insecurities – especially the ones that were heightened due to the breakup. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Work on the things you can change and accept the things you can’t.

Find the things that you DO like about yourself and the reasons why you ARE worthy of the truest, purest love of them all!

Because sure – there will be things that happened that hurt you about the breakup, but you cannot take it to heart or let it affect how you feel about yourself, as that only wears your confidence down more and more.

Take on this Self Love Challenge (it’s free.) Make a start today. Because I promise you – all of this positive action that you’re taking, really will pay off.

And sooner rather than later, you’ll be back – not only to your “normal self”, but feeling better in yourself than you ever have before!

That’s All For This One…

So there we have it – how to build your confidence after a breakup, and get you back to “you!

Good luck. I’ll be rooting for you every step of the way. So make sure you have that self-belief in yourself too!

Wishing you all the best.


How To Build Your Confidence After a Breakup
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Ella Stearn
Ell is a Breakup, Dating & Relationship Specialist & Coach, with over 3 million annual readers, globally. As the Creator of Forgetting Fairytales, her mission is to help you learn to love yourself, find the right person to give your love to, then make it a love that truly lasts.

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