Are you fantasising about someone? Living the dream you want with them? It’s possible that it’s happening, you know, and you may not even realise it. See, when you think of fantasising, you might think “oh, like a sexual fantasy?!” But it’s nothing like that. We fantasise all the time. It’s just using your imagination to picture something you want. It’s easy to do – especially when you start falling for someone.
You’ve met someone who you think is really quite awesome, they’re making you feel things you haven’t felt in a long time. You feel connected to them, and excited about your potential future. You find yourself daydreaming about them, replaying things through your mind when you go to bed, thinking about certain scenarios that you’d love to happen. You’re basically building up the perfect relationship which you soon hope will unfold.
The problem is, this can put you in pretty dangerous territory. So in this article, we’re going to quickly run through 1) What fantasising is. 2) If you’re fantasising about someone. 3) What to do about it. Uh huh, we’re getting to grips with this, before it spirals out of control.
What Is Fantasising?
So first up, what exactly is fantasising? Well, by definition, it’s “indulging in daydreaming about something you desire.” When it comes to your crush, you might find you have fantasies like…
- That perfect first encounter. It’s probably going to be dramatic, romantic and very cute or bold! It’s not how real life works at all, really. But hey, it’s your fantasy – your fairytale, so you’ll make it how you like. You take what you know about your crush and you build up their character. You picture the way they look, the way they act, the things they say, and you feel all the love and excitement around it.
- Them being so crazily in love with you. Whether it’s the first moments they express their undying love to you, or the romantic gestures they do to show you how much they care. You want it to happen. So you’re imagining it happening. We’re not having any unrequited feelings here! Instead, you’re getting it all back, and more. (Oh if only, hey!)
- A situation or a scene. Perhaps you have other things going on in your life right now, but there he is – right by your side, doing and saying all the right things. Or maybe your fantasies get a little more exciting. There’s a problem, a drama – and your man is there, protecting you, defending you. Whatever you want, whatever you crave, whatever you have missing, your fantasies with this person usually fill them and it’s everything you need.
Sound familiar? Uh huh. These are just a few examples. You might find you have sexual fantasies too, but the toughest ones to pull away from are the emotional fantasies.
The Problem With Fantasising
Fantasising about someone can become pretty unhealthy, for a number of reasons. First up, when you fantasise about someone, you’re building them up in your head – romanticising them, glorifying them, putting them on a pedestal as this dream person. You’ll start to see them as the person you want them to be, rather than the person they actually are. (Click here to read the signs that this is happening…)
They’ll also begin to consume your mind. Fantasising makes you feel good – which means it can become pretty addictive. It may start as just a little daydreaming before bed, but end up keeping you up at night, putting them on your mind first thing in the morning and then thinking about them excessively throughout the day… when really, you should be focusing on other things! There’s no balance, it can quickly spiral out of control and you’ll end up just constantly wanting to see the and speak to them.
This is because, even when you’re not fantasising – you still have this attachment to this person. You were basically experiencing the things you wanted. You know your fantasies aren’t real, but your reality and your daydreams start to blend together. It makes you more invested in the person, more attached to them. Unhealthily attached. This can often make you obsess about the person. In some cases you might even find it leads to Obsessive Love Disorder. Uh huh. So if you recognise yourself doing this, and want to stop obsessing, click on over here.
See, when it comes to fantasising, the more you do it, the more it takes you away from reality. The better that fantasy makes you feel, the more you want to cling onto it. This means you might find you’re increasing the intensity of the relationship with the person you’re fantasising about, moving too quickly or clinging onto them, because you don’t want to lose what you think you have, or could have.
This makes you put unrealistic expectations on the other person however, and set them up to disappoint you. After all, you’re comparing them to this perfect version of them now. So when their actions don’t align with what you want, you will feel confused or hurt, and most probably start to panic. Because of this, your behaviour will often end up pushing them away. You’re too full-on. Too intense. And when it then all goes downhill, you’ll also find it even more difficult to get over them, because your rose-tinted glasses are still very firmly on, and you feel the loss more than what it was.
Are You Fantasising About Someone?
I want you to ask yourself now,
- How often do I think about my love interest?
- Do I find myself checking their social media channels or scrolling through their photos?
- How often am I daydreaming about them?
- Do I play through situations before they’ve happened and visualise how I want them to go?
- Are my feelings developing too quickly here?
- Is this person taking over my mind too much?
If you think you are fantasising about someone, whether it’s a crush, a new partner or someone you’ve never even met before, I want you to ask yourself why? Why do you think you’re doing this? Is this something that’s happened before or something that – now you come to think about – you always seem to do when you meet someone who excites you?
Often we fantasise about someone because we want to feel the way they make us feel in these daydreams. We want that special someone. We crave for that connection. But this is actually only going to make it less likely to happen.
Why It’s Hard To Get Over Someone Once You Start Fanasising
It’s terribly difficult to get over someone if you’ve been fantasising about them, because you pretty much have to let go of what you THOUGHT you had, but which wasn’t really real. You built this person up so much in your head, you not only have to let go of them, but let go of the dream you so desperately wanted with them.
But what do you do if it’s not reached that point? What do you do if you’re still dating the person you’ve built a fantasy up over?
What To Do If You’re Fantasising About Someone
Well, once you’ve recognised it’s happening, you then have two options:
- Gradually reduce it. Recognise when you’re fantasising and only allow yourself to indulge in a set amount of fantasising every day. Then, gradually make it less and less. This will ease you back to reality.
- Cut it out completely. This is like an addiction, seriously. So if you have to be all or nothing about it – do it. Every time you find yourself building them up in your head, or (re)playing a scenario, stop it. Snap yourself out of it. Do something different to distract yourself.
These tips will help you to become more level headed, so they’re well worth scanning over. Alongside this, you want to get the balance back into your life. To do this, I highly recommend following these steps for how to stop obsessing over the person. Click here.
Move straight onto it now and start taking action. Because that’s what it’s all about. You have the knowledge, the recognition, the understanding around what you’re doing. You know it’s not healthy. So now it’s just about taking action to stop it.
Another thing you can do? Commit to focusing on yourself and your life for a little while. I know you don’t want to take a step back from this person and the potential relationship, but you also want to go into it the right way, I’m sure. So spend more time working on yourself, becoming that strong, independent woman you want to be – who knows their worth and knows that they don’t NEED this man to feel the way they want to feel. Do things right. Get into it right from the start.
Trust me. If you can find the strength to step back and do the things you need to do, it will pay back. I’m not saying to cut this person out of your life, but to just not let them your biggest priority in your life. Your priority for now, needs to be solely on you. So try to shift your focus and build yourself back up.
The reason you’re fantasising is because you’re craving love, connection and affection. But you have to feel happy enough in yourself, and on your own, so that you don’t compromise on what you want and end up committing to someone who doesn’t fully deserve you.
You’re Not Crazy…
Oh, and you’re not crazy by the way. I really want you to know that. Many people fantasise about someone, at some point or another. Men included. Just because it’s not spoken about, doesn’t mean it’s not done. So don’t be embarrassed about it.
This also probably hasn’t come from nowhere either. I bet it all started with the guy making all these promises, saying all these cute things, totally whisking you off your feet. Am I right? Or am I right? The thing is, you have to be aware – so that you notice when he stops pulling his weight and you start making excuses for him.
Don’t cling onto an idea of a fantasy and let it stop you seeing what’s really there.
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