Do you find that you keep being ghosted before the first date? You match with someone, you think there’s good conversation, you make arrangements to see the person, only for them to stop replying. You ask if the date is still going ahead… nothing. Silence.
Been in that position before? Had that happen again? Unsure what to think or do? Well here’s what to do if you’re ghosted before the first date.
Why You’ve Been Ghosted Before The First Date
Being ghosted before the first date can be pretty confusing. It’s like, did you actually ever want to meet me? Actually have any intention of meeting me? Why did we even make plans?
Mind-boggling I know. So before we look at what to do if you’ve been ghosted before the first date, let’s try to better make sense of it – why it’s happened.
See the reasons can vary far and wide, but generally speaking, if he’s ghosted you before you’ve even had chance to meet, it’s usually because:
1) He doesn’t know what he wants.
You’ve had good conversations, he’s been enjoying getting to know you, but he’s not in the best place mentally, he’s not really ready to date and so he’s got cold feet, backed out – but didn’t have the courage to tell you.
2) He’s lost his nerve.
He could also be new to dating, or anxious about dating. So although he wants to meet you, his worries are taking over, and again – he’s wimped out!
3) The conversation kind of died.
It could also be that – when you initially spoke about the date – the conversation was flowing smoothly, freely, but it’s kind of dried up. Maybe he’s not as sure about you anymore, not as sure about the date in general, so he’s changed his mind and gone cold.
4) He could already be involved with someone else.
It could also be that he’s already with someone else – if not in a relationship, then dating. Things have progressed or guilt has caught up with him. He doesn’t know how to tell you, so instead of being honest, he’s just blanked you instead.
5) He got busy, real busy.
Busyness is often seen as an excuse and you could argue, “you can make time for anyone if you really want.” But it could be that things are going on in his life right now, something new has cropped up, and his priorities have changed.
He’s not intentionally ghosting you but you’re not really on his radar anymore, so the conversation has slipped into nothingness and the date has been cancelled – without him actually having the decency to say!
6) He’s not who he said he is.
Now we’ve got to raise the fact that he may not want to meet you because actually, he’s not who he says he is. He could be a catfish (click here for the signs) or has simply been blagging things to try to impress you. Maybe he’s using old photos, looks different to how he’s presented himself and feels embarrassed.
7) He had no intention of meeting at all.
I hate to say it, and I can’t say I even understand it – but there are time wasters lurking on dating apps. These are guys who will chat, who will invest their time in you, but it’s really only for their own validation, ego-boost or “company.” They therefore will message but never meet, and that’s just the way it goes!
What To Do If You’ve Been Ghosted Before The First Date
So what do you do if you’ve been ghosted before the first date? Well, what can you do but accept it? It sucks. It’s frustrating. I get it, I know. But it is what it is. Just remember – it’s not actually anything to take personally and is no reflection on you.
Some articles that will help you here:
- What To Do When He Leaves You On Read
- How To Deal With Being Ghosted
- What To Say To Someone Who’s Ghosted You
- How To Gain Closure After Being Ghosted (the big one!)
- What To Do If You Feel Unwanted
- How To Deal With Feeling Rejected
Have a read through them. Click on what you need. Because these articles have been hand-crafted for dealing in these situations, so they have everything you need to know and do within them.
Also make sure you take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to be upset by this. You’re allowed to be affected. So, feel your emotions, be your own best friend, but then decide to pick yourself up and brush yourself off because girl – you cannot let this beat you!
Do You Say Anything, Or Just Not Reply?
So you understand why he’s ghosted you, you get that it’s not on you, maybe you’ve read a few articles now, to better get your head around it.
But you’re still left with the question of – do you message the guy if you’ve been ghosted before your first date? Do you call him out on it? Ask what the deal is?
Well, that’s entirely up to you. If you weren’t speaking frequently before and it’s just kind of fizzled out, perhaps there’s no need. But the more connection you thought you had, the more it hurt, the more likely you’ll want to say something.
Just know that when you do message – you’re not messaging with the hope of getting a response. Also, it’s unlikely that they’d give any valid reason for ghosting you before the first date anyway.
I mean, even if something has happened – could they really have not had the decency to keep you in the loop and say?
So – if they do reply, know that it’s not going to change the situation. You’re not being messed around. You deserve better than that. And you certainly, certainly shouldn’t wait for a reply.
In fact, assume you won’t get one. Send it, then delete the chat. Out of sight, out of mind.
You’re sending this text for a bit of finality. You’re sending this text as it will tie into your closure, it will enable you to really close that door on any possibility of progressing things further with this mystery stranger. And again, you’re doing it purely for you, not them.
So how could you phrase it? What kind of thing could you say? Well here’s a few templates to make it easier…
What To Say If He Ghosted You Before The First Date
When you message him after he’s ghosted you, try to keep it short, to the point, and simply acknowledge what has happened. That’s all you need to do.
You can add as much or as little sass as you want / need. Less is typically best – but it depends on what’s happened, as if he’s really treated you like a “mug”, you may want to show him you’re not someone to be walked all over… not because it matters, but it will help you “put this to bed” with your head held high.
So, you could say something like…
- Okay, so I assume our date now isn’t going ahead? If you weren’t feeling it anymore, all you had to do was say, you know? There wouldn’t have been any hard feelings!
- Well, I don’t know why you’ve suddenly decided to ghost me. So not cool. But that’s your issue, not mine. Good luck. Hope you start to learn how to treat people properly!
- Damnnn, and to think I thought you were actually a [appropriate word here.] Little pointer: don’t waste people’s time if you have no intention of actually dating. We’re not here just for your sense of validation!
You don’t want to come across as bitter or angry, but to be honest – it doesn’t really matter what you say, because this is it with them anyway. As long as it’s short, snappy, gets off your chest how you feel (in a concise way – no rambling please!), then that’s great.
How To Stop Being Ghosted Before The First Date
So what can you do moving forward to reduce your chances of being ghosted before the first date? Well:
1) Meet Faster
If you match with someone, you’re “vibing” them, they’ve stirred up your interest and you want to know more, then the best thing you can do, is get organising that date. The sooner the better.
Yes, you want to qualify them to the degree of – you know they don’t have any of your deal-breakers. But the rest? That can be saved for in person.
By doing this, not only do you save time by finding out faster if there’s something there, but you can also see if they’re going to “beat around the bush” and try to avoid that date.
If for any reason they do also ghost you before the first date, it won’t then feel like such a waste of time – because it won’t have been much time!
2) Build More of a Connection
On the flip side, although you want to move it from match to date faster, you still need to build enough interest and intrigue from their side.
If they feel like they don’t know you, then they’ll feel like they don’t owe you anything. And so ghosting you – for whatever reason – won’t be such a big deal.
So you want to show what you’re all about, don’t just ask the standard questions – really get a bit more there BEFORE you see each other, so that cancelling a date, let alone ghosting is not even an option!
3) Speak On The Phone
On that note, if you want to build a better bond before the date, without spending hours of time texting back and forth, then why not jump on a call?
Voicenotes are also good for this – but nothing beats that actual on-phone interaction.
It also gives you a better idea of what the date will be like then and gives you a little more confidence that you probably will be meeting who you think you will be.
Know That You’re Not Alone
Getting ghosted before the first date, sucks. Especially when you were enjoying getting to know this person and you thought they had potential.
But just know that things like this – they happen to the best of us. It’s nothing on you, or actually even, to do with you. So try not to take it to heart.
Although it kind of hurts, this person who’s ghosted you has actually done you a favour. They’ve shown their true colours. They’ve saved you time in meeting them, only to find out they’re as flakey as a Cadbury’s flake! So be thankful. This is a blessing in disguise!
From here, take a break from dating if you need, keep those spirits high and try to stay motivated when it comes to dating. You should also check out this article for the best dating apps to find love (because some are certainly more effective than others- and full of better quality people!)
The right person – they’re still out there. This guy? He just clearly wasn’t it.
So onwards and upwards my friends. Take care!