What To Do If a Guy Is Hot and Cold Texting

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Is a guy hot and cold texting? One minute it’s like he’s totally into you, the next, you have no idea? Wondering what to think? What to do even? And what it all means? Then you’ve come to the right place. In this post, we’re going to break down what to do if a guy is hot and cold texting, enabling you to regain control. So let’s start from the top…

What Is Hot and Cold Texting?

So first up, let’s get clear on what we mean when we say that a guy is hot and cold texting. I mean, what actually is hot and cold texting? 

Well essentially, it’s where – one minute he’s fine, he seems interested (very much so actually!) and is really putting the effort in over text.

The next it’s the complete opposite.. He’s distant, unresponsive, short in his replies, or you don’t even hear from him for days or weeks. (Yikes!)

Essentially, you never know what you’re going to get with him and what he’s going to be like. You’re getting mixed signals, mixed messages and it can be, quite simply: mind-boggling!

The thing is – it’s far easier for a guy to be hot and cold over text.

After all, he doesn’t have to see you in person, and so it’s easier to pull back, then seem keen, without you being able to better gage what’s going on – like you would be able to when face to face.

For this reason – a guy hot and cold texting can be pretty common. But what’s the ACTUAL deal with that (other than the fact that it is easy to do?)

Why Is He Hot and Cold Texting?

So why might a guy be hot and cold texting? What’s the reason for it? Because this is actually key for working out the “what to do” part.

Now unfortunately, there’s not one set answer (damn!)

However, have a read through the following possibilities to better determine what you think it’s most likely to be – based on the way he behaves.

(Uh huh, it’s just a case of piecing together the key signs and then presuming the most likely reason / cause and making a decision based on that!)

So, a guy could be hot and cold texting because…

how do I know where I stand with him?

1) He’s Not Sure How He Feels

First up, it could be that he’s not sure how he feels about you. Now this isn’t because you’re not good enough…

In fact, it’s nothing to do with you as a person and is no reflection on you, at all.

This is to do with HIM – where he’s at, what he’s looking for, what he wants (or what he thinks he wants anyway!) and whether he can actually do the things he wants to do, to get that.

Now the good news is – there are signs he’s not ready for something serious, as well as signs he DOES want something serious.

So you can use these to better weigh up where he’s at, and the chances that he is feeling torn.

But ultimately, if sometimes he’s acting like he’s all in and sometimes he’s acting like he’s not, it’s probably because he’s confused in himself, or trying to be or feel a way that he’s not.

2) He’s Trying To Play It Cool

A guy could also be hot and cold texting because he’s trying – but not quite hitting the right note – to play it cool and KEEP you interested.

Is it working? Well, not really. After all, you’re now feeling confused.

I mean, sure – there are ways to play it cool the right way.

But unfortunately – people often get it wrong. Consequently you can end up with confusing hot and cold behaviour, which includes a guy hot and cold texting.

See, he thinks he’s giving enough to draw you in, then pulling back to make you want more. “Treat you mean to keep you keen”, sort of thing.

Whether it’s actually cool or not, it helps to recognise that this is what he’s trying to achieve.

Recommended Read: 16 (Definite!) Signs He Likes You But Is Playing It Cool

What To Do If a Guy Is Hot and Cold Texting

3) There’s Someone Else On The Scene

Now we have to raise the possibility that a guy could be hot and cold texting because there’s someone else on the scene… or multiple people even.

Dating multiple people in the early days is actually pretty normal. (Now you do also want to look out for the signs he’s secretly got a girlfriend, too… As that definitely isn’t okay.)

But even if it’s not at the full relationship level, if a guy is emotionally invested in a person, or their relationship has progressed to a further stage – and yet he’s STILL dating other people… you are “the other person” who just may not know about it.

If this happens, it means he can’t be “all in” with you. Especially as the person he’s emotionally invested in, has a connection with him that you haven’t yet been able to create.

(Nor is he probably fully giving you the opportunity to do so, as his hearts not fully in it with you.)

Now, maybe he’s unsure about the other person, hence why he’s started dating you. But there’s enough there with this other person, to make him – at times – hold back with you. And that’s why he’s hot and cold texting…

Is he hot and cold with you in person? Or maybe he’s hot and cold texting and hasn’t even met up with you yet? These are all things to weigh up and consider.

Just remember – ultimately, you deserve to be given a full and complete shot, and you have to ask yourself (even if you don’t fully know his situation), if he’s fully giving you that, and appreciating you for who you are and what you’re putting into this…

4) He Could Be Playing You

Next up, we’ve got to be fair now, because one of the reasons for a guy hot and cold texting, could certainly be that he’s just a player. And right now – he’s playing you.

See, it’s not that he’s playing games to try to get you interested… He’s just playing games with you because that’s what he does.

Again, it’s nothing to take to heart, and is no reflection on you.

The chances are, he’s just immature, not a very nice person, or has different morals to you (and so tries to justify or brush over his behaviour.)

hot and cold over text

5) He Could Have Other Things Going On

So far, all of the reasons for a guy hot and cold texting, revolve – in some way – around relationships. However, it could actually be nothing to do with you or anyone else…

It could simply be that he has a lot going on in his life – away from his love life. So maybe work is crazy or maybe he has family issues going on. It could be anything.

And so you read it as him being hot and cold, but it could simply be that he messages when he can and he’s a little more distant when he’s busy or there’s other things on his mind.

The only thing I would say with this one – is be careful. People often use busyness as an excuse, so you want to try to work out if it’s true and legitimate.

Remember, in most cases – people will make time for the things and people that are important. Communication is also key. And, you can actually sometimes meet the supposedly right person at the wrong time… but that’s okay. Because it only means that they’re not actually “the one” after all.

So weigh it all up. Be understanding, be reasonable, don’t be too demanding. But know what you want from a partner and a relationship and never compromise on that.

6) Maybe There’s an Internal Battle Going On

We all have a past. Most of us have even a little bit of baggage. And this can make it easy or natural, for you to feel like you have to put your walls up… To try to protect yourself.

One of the reasons a guy may be hot or cold texting, is therefore because there’s a bit of an internal battle going on!

When he’s texting “keen”, that could be showing his true self and interest…

But also, in his mind, his vulnerabilities. He may therefore put his guard back up, because he’s scared of getting hurt, and that’s when he in turn, goes “cold.” He pulls back.

This may also be based on your response. Maybe he tries to give more, but he doesn’t get much back from you, and in turn, that makes him cool off a little.

(Uh huh, always put yourself in someone else’s shoes and consider how you may be coming across too!)

Another possibility is that it goes back to him not knowing what he wants – part of him is ready for something serious, the other part is not fully healed…

So he doesn’t have bad intentions, nor does he want to mess you around, but he’s trying to “run before he can walk” or so to speak. And that’s why you’re getting less desirable actions like hot and cold texting!

where do I stand with this guy?

7) He’s Fading You Out

The final common reason why a guy is hot and cold texting, is because he’s fading you out.

Whether he was playing you or not, or he’s just changed his mind about how he feels about you now – he’s losing interest in you romantically and so is pulling away.

This can be a tricky one however, as he’s essentially still leading you on by not being clear.

He knows he’s not feeling it anymore, but instead of being upfront and telling you, he’s trying to take the “easy way out” by instead fading you out.

After all, it’s hard to reject someone nicely (but it is possible), but instead – he’s not even trying.

Now the reason why it’s coming across as him being hot and cold, is because he doesn’t want to go COMPLETELY cold on you, but for him – things are different now…

And so he’s either trying to get that across, or it’s just naturally coming across as he can’t fake it.

He may also still be slightly undecided, so when he’s putting in effort, it’s because he’s unsure if he’s discounting you too soon…

But deep down, ultimately, he knows – and so that should make YOU know too, that he’s not the one for you.

It can feel harsh, and hurts, but remember – things like these are a blessing in disguise as him now hot and cold texting, and pushing you away, is only saving you time and allowing you to move onto the right person, who will put the same effort in…

Isn’t interested anymore but doesn’t want to reject you – could be trying to keep you there, “just incase.” This one is harsh and hurts, but it’s important to be aware of and look out for the signs.

What To Do If a Guy Is Hot and Cold Texting

So now comes the “big stuff” – what to do if a guy is hot and cold texting.

Well, if you read through the most likely reasons for his behaviour, and one particular reason really stood out for you, seeming to be – pretty confidently – most likely the truth… Then you may already know your answer.

For instance, if you recognise the signs that a guy is hot and cold texting because he’s playing you – this is therefore a relationship that you want to “nip in the bud.”

Quite simply, he’s wasting your time. And you’re not going to let him anymore.

Guy Is Hot and Cold Texting

Now, if you’re feeling UNSURE which of these reasons are likely to be the truth:

  1. Take a step back.
  2. Talk to friends / family to get a second opinion and try to help you to see the situation clearly. (As you may have had your rose tinted glasses on up until now, putting him on a pedestal and making excuses for him!)
  3. Depending on the situation and what you think would be most appropriate – either call him out on his behaviour and express how you feel, or make less effort with him and see if he comes running back. (Remember, don’t chase men – it doesn’t make them want you more. In fact, in most cases, it has the opposite effect!)
  4. Consider it all, then do what feels right for you…

What To Do If a Guy Is Hot and Cold Texting

When it comes to what to do if a guy is hot and cold texting, you should also consider the following factors (as this too, will tie into your decision about what to do)…

  • How long has he been doing this?
  • Has it just started happening and so is a recent change, or has he always text like this?
  • What is he like in person? And does this outweigh his hot and cold texting? Or does it confirm that he probably really is acting this way over text as well?
  • Could anything else come into this? Have you been hurt badly before, and so you’re especially sensitive to – what feels like – anything and everything, when dating new people?
  • How does he make you feel, as a whole? Good and happy? Or does he tend to knock your confidence and make you feel insecure? (This is such an important question to ask if a guy is hot and cold texting… It’s arguably the most important of them all!)
  • How easily can you talk to him? Not just about this – but about anything?
  • Do you feel like you’re often treading on eggshells or trying to keep him happy?
  • Can you even fully properly be yourself around him?
  • Do you feel like you like him more than he likes you? And you’re having to chase him?
  • Are the dynamics right in this overall?

Ultimately, when a guy is hot and cold texting – providing he genuinely is and you’re not just reading into things too deeply – then it doesn’t make you feel very good.

If it doesn’t make you feel good – the chances are: it’s not right. As the right person will see you, appreciate you, value you and lift you up! So if you’re feeling unsure – bring it back to that.

That’s All For This One

So there we have it – the common reasons for a guy hot and cold texting, plus – what to do if a guy is hot and cold texting. I really hope this helps to make things clearer and easier.

At the end of the day, you know yourself, so trust yourself and trust your instincts.

Is this coming from you? Or is this actually the way that he’s behaving? And do you deserve this behaviour? I think you know the answer to that one…

And if you don’t – try embedding these positive dating affirmations in your mind, so that YOU DO!

Stay strong, my friends, and stick with it. Because all of these knocks you may be getting when dating – it will all be worth it in the end. I promise you.

Take care. Thinking of you.


What To Do If a Guy Is Hot and Cold Texting
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Ella Stearn
Ell is a Breakup, Dating & Relationship Specialist & Coach, with over 3 million annual readers, globally. As the Creator of Forgetting Fairytales, her mission is to help you learn to love yourself, find the right person to give your love to, then make it a love that truly lasts.

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