Want to know how to be more physically affectionate in a relationship? How to feel comfortable showing physical affection, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? And how to – ultimately – re-train yourself to show love and affection to your partner in the way that they deserve?
Then you’re in the right place…
In this post, we’ll break down 5 simple (yet seriously smart & strategic!) steps to be more physically affectionate in a relationship – in a way that is ACTUALLY easy to follow and apply.
After all, there’s no point saying, “well, just do this or just do this.” You know HOW to be more physically affectionate in theory, right? You just can’t quite bring yourself to do it, nor remember what you need to do in the moments you should be doing it. Is that pretty much where you’re at?
Well, don’t worry, it’s perfectly natural and normal, but with the right process – you can work through it.
Why Are Some People More Affectionate Than Others?
So before we look at HOW to be more physically affectionate in a relationship, I want to touch on WHY this comes more naturally and easily to some, than others.
I mean, why are some people more affectionate?
Well, ultimately – this comes down to a number of factors, including genetics, environment, individual experiences and, in some cases, confidence.
- See, research suggests that genetics play a role in how affectionate people are. For example, one study found that about 45% of the variance in how affectionate people are is heritable. Another study found that genetics play a significant role in how affectionate women are, but not men.
- Environment also undoubtably plays a factor. If you grew up in a loving, affectionate family home, you learnt early on that that’s the way to be and are less likely to find difficulty in showing physical affection. Personal preference can also be developed during this time, based on your experiences…
- Individual experiences are pretty similar, but this branches out from how you were simply raised. Did you have loving romantic relationships? Are your friends affectionate? Have there been people who have brought this side out of you to date? Or experiences that have increased the desire in you more? On the flip side – did you ever have any negative or traumatic experiences that made negative associations with being physical? This all comes into play.
- And let’s not forget about confidence! Like all things – the way you feel in yourself and about yourself, undoubtably affects how you behave. Do you want to be more physically affectionate, but you don’t have the confidence to do so? It’s certainly something that can hold many people back so it’s worth mentioning here too.
These are just a few examples, of course, but it’s helpful to reflect on why you think that you are less affectionate than others to begin with, as it enables you to get to the root of the problem and could identify some deeper issues that you need to work on first.
Want to work through this properly and thoroughly? Then check out our Specialist Relationship Coaching. It’s purposely designed to be strategic and affordable, working you through the things you need to – quickly and efficiently, to build the kind of relationship you really want and deserve.
How To Be More Physically Affectionate in a Relationship
So what do you do? How can you be more physically affectionate in a relationship, whilst it still feeling comfortable and authentic to do so? Well…
Step 1: Stir Up That Motivation Inside
Ultimately, you won’t do anything you don’t want to do, not long-term. You need to WANT to become more physically affectionate in a relationship – not just feel forced to do so.
This means stirring up that motivation inside you, and associating far more “pleasure” to being more physically affectionate, and far more “pain” to NOT. (Uh huh, pain and pleasure are the biggest driving factors in human behaviour so we want to tap into this!)
To do this:
- Write a list of all the reasons why you really do want to be more physically affectionate in a relationship.
- Write down all the things you’ll GAIN from being more physically affectionate. Try to think big and broad for this – listing all the things, big and small.
- Write down all the things you’ll LOSE or are already missing out on by not being more affectionate. Again – dig deep with this to find as many reasons as you can. Talk it through with your partner if it helps, or on a Power Hour Relationship Coaching Call (you’ll only need one session!)
- Also write down all the things you’re grateful for about your partner and your relationship as appreciation can also create motivation to show that gratitude in a physical form.
Remember, physical connection is one of the fundamental types of intimacy your relationship really needs, so it IS a big deal.
Once you’ve done this and done it properly, feel that sense of pride. This is a really big step and a step most people will read, but not actually do. So that already says a lot about you as a person and shows how truly committed you are to making this all-important change. Feel proud of yourself for that. 🫶
Step 2: Identify The Things Holding You Back
So once you know WHY you want to change, let’s look at the things holding you back and making it harder to bring that change to life.
This goes back to what we mentioned at the start – about why some people are more affectionate than others, in many cases.
But really reflect on it for yourself and your own life and jot down as many things as you can, that come to mind. Jot them down initially, then review them after.
Examples Of Things That May Be Holding You Back
So aside from your upbringing, genetics and past experiences, you may consider things like –
- Bad habits. You’ve made a habit of NOT bothering to show physical affection.
- You’ve become too comfortable in your relationship. You don’t think you NEED to, and have kind of lost the desire to. (This may also indicate intimacy issues in the bedroom too.)
- Communication issues. Perhaps you’re going through a rough patch and arguing a lot, which is also affecting your desire to show physical affection.
- Maybe your partner isn’t physically affectionate, so it hasn’t inspired you to be either.
Really home in on what it is that’s holding you back and what’s contributed to where you’re at now.
Once You Have Your List…
Once you have your list of potential reasons, influences or factors, try to review them all and circle the THREE biggest things playing their part.
Next to each factor or reason, write ideas for ways to work around it.
So for example, let’s say one of the things holding you back is that you’ve become too comfortable. From this you may write:
- I need to remember my reasons WHY physical intimacy is still so important, despite the relationship being comfortable now.
- I need to challenge my limiting beliefs in a relationship that make me feel like it’s okay, and no big deal. I want to shift my belief from, “I don’t need to do this” to, “I want to do this.”
- I want two add weekly or monthly date nights in, to keep the spark alive and get us out of a rut. If the relationship is more fun and flirty, that in itself, will encourage me to be more physically affectionate.
- I want to have more regular check in’s with my partner – so we get into the habit of SPEAKING more about how we feel. This emotional intimacy is likely to lead to stronger physical intimacy.
You see? You don’t have to have all the answers right away, but you want to have as many ideas for different things to do to work through it…Then it’s simply a case of ACTUALLY working through them, one by one.
This leads me onto step number 3 for how to be more physically affectionate…
Step 3: Make a Plan & Put It Into Practice
By this point, you should have the motivation, the understanding and the ideas for different things you can do which will improve your physical affection. Then it’s simply a case of working out:
“Okay, what am I going to do, when?”
You might have key action tasks from the many different ways to build intimacy in a relationship.
You may also have habits, like – create a regular date night to improve physical intimacy that leads to increased physical affection. Or, make sure I kiss my partner goodbye every day before I go to work!
Speaking of habits…
Step 4: Create Trackable, SMART, Habits.
Now this may sound silly or intense, if you’re not a goal orientated person, but it’s a smart move – seriously, and it actually creates lasting change.
So if you really want to be more affectionate in your relationship, consider making some SMART, trackable goals. (For real!)
For example, let’s say you want to implement the daily kiss – grab the Streaks App and mark every single day you do it. Not only will this then give you a reminder, but it becomes pretty addictive and gets you doing it, until it becomes and feels natural to do.
Start small with the habits, begin with the things that feel the most comfortable to you – then build it up and up.
This is honestly one of the biggest game-changer strategies when it comes to how to be more physically affectionate in a relationship, so don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it, my friends.
You can do it for almost anything. Simply know what you want to do and when you want to do it, then track it and tick it off every day you do it – acknowledging how good that also actually feels!
BONUS: If you’re struggling to get into this, I highly recommend checking out and giving our Couples Intimacy Challenge a go. It gets you doing things you wouldn’t usually do, but which brings you so much closer. It will also help you identify different ways to be physical intimate that you may not have thought about before, so if you’re struggling to be affectionate in a relationship…Get yourself signed up NOW!
Step 5) Express How You Feel
The last all-important step when it comes to how to be more physically affectionate, is being willing to open up and talk about how you feel.
- Are you struggling with a particular habit?
- Is something not feeling natural or normal to you?
- Does PDA make you feel uncomfortable?
- Why are you struggling to work through a particular thing?
- How do you feel in the moments that you pull back?
- Is there something missing for you?
Talk it all out. Create an open, safe environment for you to speak about things like this – even if, initially, that may feel difficult to do.
This is vitally important because you and your partner should be a team. You should work together, work things out. You don’t have to do it all on your own…
When you do this, you also feel closer to your partner and this connection only makes physical intimacy easier, so it really is a win, win.
That’s All For This One
So that rounds up how to be more physically affectionate in a relationship – in 5 strategic steps.
Try it out for yourself, and if you have any questions – please don’t hesitate to COMMENT them below. (Completely anonymously if you prefer.) I will write directly back.
Remember – I’m here for you too, I am rooting for you, and I’m proud of you.
What feels like small changes, can actually make a surprisingly big difference.
Want to continue to work on your relationship in small ways? Then sign up to our FREE Relationship Coaching Mailing List.
Wishing you all the very best.
Love,
Ell_xx
