When you were a little girl, and you fell over, what did you do? Stay down and give up? No way. You might have sat there for a little while, had a little cry, but then you’d brush yourself off, pick yourself up and carry on. So why is it when you get knocked down in life now, you let things get on top of you, start doubting yourself and feel like you can’t go on? I get it, we’re older now. We’re wiser. Things hurt more. And we do have a habit of taking things to heart. But we can’t. We have to learn how to bounce back…
To get that baddass little girl attitude back. The one where it doesn’t matter what happens, you’ll still keep going. Whether it’s down to rejection, a break-up, a ‘failure’ at work or even a low spell, where your confidence is suffering and you just don’t feel like yourself… I want you to read this and remember, you’ve still got this. Whatever’s happened, it’s happened for a reason and it’s simply a small bump in a long (but very awesome!) road.
See, we’re not going to feel okay 24/ 7. It’s perfectly normal to get a little down every once in a while. But when you’re tired of this and are ready to bounce back, here’s what we’re going to do…
How To Bounce Back
This is the four-step formula for how to bounce back.
STEP 1: GET FRUSTRATED
Huh? Yep, you heard me. Whatever’s bothering you, I want you to get angry with it. Not so much so that it turns into aggression (we don’t want anything smashed up!) but a little frustration is a good thing.
In fact, it’s actually a pretty positive emotion because it drives action. And that is what we want! Screw the guy who’s messing you around! Curse the ex who keeps trying to creep his way back into your life! Whatever’s on your mind… pace around and start to shout about it! And if that’s not possible, at the very least, stand up and rant at them in your head!
Get out all the things you wish you could say to this person. Come on guys, let’s really go in on them. Who do they think they are, dragging you down like this?
If it’s not a person, get out everything about the situation that’s weighing you down and do exactly the same thing. If you feel silly and it almost makes you laugh a little… that’s a great thing! It means we’re starting to move you out of this state of misery and into something that’s going to be more proactive.
Once you’ve ‘had it out with them’ I want you to change your focus on yourself and give yourself a bit of a talking to, because you’re better than this. It doesn’t matter what’s gone wrong or isn’t going your way, you’re forgetting the one crucial element here and that is that YOU are in control of how you feel, YOU are in control of what different things mean and ultimately YOU decide what happens next!
You don’t need to be so hard on yourself that it gets you down, we all forget these things at times, that’s okay. But you want to get to the place where you’re like, “You know what. This isn’t me. And I refuse to feel this way any longer…”
Remember, life is so short. None of us know what’s around the corner or how long we’ve got so no matter how hard things get, we have to push through them, we have to carry on and we have to make the most of every moment.
For every sh*tty situation that you face, someone else has been in exactly the same one, or worse… and got through it. So if they can do it, so can you. And I’m not saying this to downplay your situation. I’m simply saying it because I want you to have both faith and hope. Everything will work out, trust me.
STEP 2: GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
So something crappy has happened. Your automatic response is to feel those emotions and react. But let’s go back for a second now. Let’s take the rejection example again…
Let’s say some guy you were speaking to ends up ghosting you. You’d gotten your hopes up with him a little bit, so it’s naturally not going to make you feel great. Feel the emotions you feel, don’t deny them.
But then this is the step most people miss out, because they simply accept the way they feel instead of questioning it. And once you accept negative emotions, it starts a down spiral of negative self-talk, knocking your confidence further when it doesn’t really need to.
Instead, once you’re done feeling the way you feel, ask yourself: “What’s actually bothering me here?” Because there’s a good chance you’ve been doubting yourself, thinking you’re not good enough, taking this knock personally, wishing the guy just ‘liked’ you back. But I think there’s more to it than that…
Initially you will of course feel the sting from rejection. But after that you have to consider… Is there more to it than this? Is it really this guy that you’re upset with? Did you really know him well enough to justify him impacting you in this way? And did you really qualify him enough?
Because let’s be fair – if someone ghosts you, they’re a pretty weak character. And I’m pretty sure cowardly isn’t on your wish-list for a partner.
With that in mind, is it really him you’re upset at? Maybe not… It could be that actually you’re upset because you can’t seem to find someone. It just hasn’t worked out with anyone you’ve met so far.
Maybe this guy is at the end of a long stream of guys who haven’t worked out. It’s probably more likely about the situation as a whole instead of that individual. Which leads me onto the second question you should ask…
“How exactly do I feel?”
Now that you’ve not just let your initial reaction run away with you, you can stop for a moment to establish how exactly you feel right now. Don’t just say, “like absolute sh*t!” get clearer on it. Maybe you feel disheartened. Perhaps a little confused. Then ask yourself,
“Is this justified? Do I need to feel this way?”
Now this is just a very simple example. But the more complex a situation, the more valuable it is to get to the bottom of how exactly you feel. So you should follow this process no matter what’s going on. After that, we’re going to ask,
“How exactly does that make you feel?” “And what about it is actually bothering you?”
Without getting absolute clarity on how you feel and why, you’re going to just keep going over and over things in your head. By understanding your frustrations, you can better work through them.
Work through what happens, really looking at the underlying emotions that you feel and more importantly – where they are coming from.
Don’t just automatically assume the obvious, because – like I said – you may find there’s more to it than that and you can’t move forward from the issue until you’re able to view it in a new and empowering light.
If you want to have more power over the way you see situations, have a read of this post.
STEP 3: FOCUS ON WHAT IS RIGHT
The third step for how to bounce back is to then put things into perspective a little bit. So this one thing in your life sucks, but what do you have to be thankful for? What could you be happy about? What is going right?
It’s easy to get down about the things that are wrong, but we want to create new habits where we more regularly look for what’s right.
To develop this further I want to set you a challenge. For the next seven days, every morning, before you get out of bed, I want you to write down three things you’re thankful for. Every single day.
If you’re finding it difficult, try thinking of three things you COULD be thankful for. Dig deep and try to find different things. It could be anything from being grateful that you’re here right now, alive, healthy and breathing – with a new opportunity to smash this day! Or it could be more specific like, you’re thankful for a particular person you have in your life, you’re thankful for something that’s happened recently or you’re thankful for something you have coming up.
Then, at the end of the day, before you go to sleep, I want you to write down three things you enjoyed about the day. It could be good things that happened, fun things you did, something you achieved, a revelation you had, even simply something nice you ate, or that relaxing bath you found time to have.
It can be big or small, but must be specific to that day. Try this for seven days and if you find it’s working well, expand it to thirty, and eventually it will become part of your daily routine.
Psychologists did a similar experiment with this and they found that it genuinely has an impact on how happy you feel. So don’t rule it out. Give it a shot!
STEP 4: MAKE A KICK-ASS PLAN OF ACTION
It’s time to make a plan now for how you’re going to move forward. However in order to do this, you need to be in the right frame of mind…
Make Sure Your Mindset Is Right…
So, if you’ve got frustrated, tried to process things, shifted your mindset and all of this is still bothering you, it calls for a distraction!
When we’re immersed in a problem, it’s hard to think properly about how we will deal with it. Everything just seems bigger, darker, more overwhelming.
So before we start planning, if you’re still feeling down – make yourself have a little time out from your doubts and worrying, instead focusing on something else.
My top suggestion? Getting to the gym. Pump away on the cross trainer until your mind is almost completely clear. The endorphins you get from exercising are also going to have a positive impact on your mind.
Then when you’re in a better state, come back to this blog post and sit down with me as we start to make a plan of action for change.
LET THE PLANNING BEGIN
To help you pull together this plan, I’m going to ask you a few questions. Try to jot some notes down for each for each bullet point.
1. What is your main goal here? The ultimate thing you want to work towards?
This could be ‘to be happy being single’, ‘to not need anyone else to validate my worth’, ‘to stop tolerating the things I shouldn’t.’
Remember, we’re not mapping out a life plan here, just a plan of action to get over what got you down. It should therefore be the solution to the problem you’re having, or at the very least closely linked.
This is also a great thing to do, because if you didn’t have this knock-down in the first place, you probably wouldn’t end up growing and improving from it now – so you can also gain that positive outlook from it!
Whatever you write down – get clear on what exactly this means, or what success looks like to you in this area.
2. How will you measure it?
To be able to achieve it, you have to know how you will measure it. So if you say the ultimate goal is to be more independent – to not need the company of others in order to be happy – then what would be the indicator that you had reached this point? Can you set measurements on it?
If you’re struggling, you can simply create your own measurements by rating how you feel in that area right now, then track how you feel (on a scale of 1 to 100) one month on, two months on, three months, etc. Just make sure you’re basing it on a number of factors. Otherwise you could just wake up, feel good that morning and say, yep… nailed this. But it won’t necessarily be accurate or true.
To help you stay more focused, you can also put more of a timeline on it – so at what point you want to reach this level by? The more specific you can be, the easier it is to be able to make significant progress.
3. What kind of things can you do to achieve this?
The third thing you need to do to set your goal is to brainstorm some ideas that will help in the area – to get you started! The more ideas you have, the better. You want to try as many things as you possibly can, because this is what’s going to help you learn and grow.
If you’re unsure what you can do – have a mooch through this blog or hit the internet! Google can give you a lot of answers. Also talk to others about it – friends, family, professionals or why not ask the question in our Girls Support Group? It’s what it’s here for, it’s entirely free so you may as well make the most of it!
Based on the things you’ve identified that you can do, now start to map them into a plan of action for when you will do them.
As you then work through that list, you will better find the things that help, the things that don’t so much and as your knowledge expands – you may discover other things you want to try that will help you develop in that area further.
The plan of action doesn’t necessarily have to be set in stone, but you do have to see it through to the end! When you do this, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the difference it makes. Good luck and start taking action!
That’s All For Now…
So that rounds things up for now. Wherever you are and whatever you’re going through, I hope you now have a better idea for how to bounce back.
Remember, you are strong, beautiful and more than worthy. You can do anything you set your mind to. I believe in you completely and I want you to believe in yourself too… because when you do this, amazing things will start to happen. Trust me.
Hold that head up high girl. You’ve got this.
Some other recommended reads from here:
- How To Stay Motivated When You’re Struggling
- How To Change The Way You See Situations
- What To Do When Someone Treats You Badly
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