How To Find Someone More Attractive

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So you’re dating someone, there’s heaps of potential there, but you’re just not 100% sure if you’re “feeling it” in terms of physical attraction. In this post we’re going to look at, first off, if you can find someone attractive – if that’s something that can develop and grow. Then we’re going to look at how to find someone more attractive, to give the two of you a better shot. Sounds good? Alright then, let’s jump straight in…

Can You Find Someone More Attractive?

So let’s start from the top – can you find someone more attractive? Can attraction grow over time? Well, in short – yes, absolutely. But that doesn’t mean it’s always in the romantic sense. 

See, for most people, there’s more to attraction than just physical appearance…

It’s how a person speaks, acts, holds themselves. It’s also the kind of person they are. You can fall for a good, pure, person – see how truly wonderful they are, and this naturally makes them more attractive to you… physically even. You start to see them in a different light.

When this happens, it happens naturally. Generally it’s not something you can force.

For this reason, it can be difficult to try to find someone more attractive – either it’s there, it’s not or it grows, but there’s got to be a base for it to grow off.

To better gage the potential of this, it’s useful to ask yourself:

  1. Is there a spark? Is there some sort of chemistry? Any slight ounce of desire there? It could be the tiniest of candle flickers right now, but you need at least that flicker to have the chance of it growing into a flame.
  2. Have things got physical? Do the two of you touch at all? Have you hugged? Held hands? Kissed even? If you have – how did this make you feel? If not, is there any part of you which would like to do this? Is open to doing this? [Click Here To Read When You Should Have That First Kiss!]
  3. Are you connecting on a deeper level? Are you opening up to one another? Sharing things? Really getting close? Do you speak to them more than you’d speak to most friends, and about different things?
  4. Then last but not least – hand on heart – do you think there’s a potential there? Could you see yourself with this person in a romantic sense? Do you picture it at all? What’s your heart telling you? Could there be something more?

How To Find Someone More Attractive

If you have a potential base to find someone more attractive, the following steps now are what you can try. 

Just remember: you cannot force this. You can encourage it. You can be open-minded and genuinely give this the best chance of becoming something more. But you could also try all of these things and it still might not work.

Just know that that’s okay. Not everyone you date is supposed to be more than friends

At least by trying, giving each person a fair shot, even if the initial intense attraction isn’t necessarily there, you know that you haven’t ruled out something potentially brilliant, with someone who could very well be, everything that you’ve wanted.

So let’s explore. Here’s some key things you can try when it comes to how to find someone more attractive.

1) Get To Know Them On a Deeper Level

So first up, if you want to find someone more attractive, you have to start seeing them for who they are.

If the initial attraction isn’t entirely there, but they also have their guard up, are trying to impress you or you’re just – quite simply – not giving them the time of day, then you’ve got absolutely no chance of changing your perspective.

Now, if you’re reading this right now, I’m going to assume you’ve not completely ruled them out. You want to find them attractive, you want to feel that spark, and so you’re likely to already have formed some sort of foundations with them.

To get to know them further, I highly recommend having a read through:

  1. These top 20 questions designed to get to know someone on a deeper level.
  2. These top 10 qualifying questions – because if you find the two of you align in the areas that matter most, that’s also going to encourage you to open your heart and mind to them a little more.

Also remember, you have to give a little to get a little, it should be a two way thing. So don’t be afraid to let this person in a little more. Just by doing this, you will also start to feel closer to them.

2) Appreciate How They Make You Feel

So they may not ignite that sexual drive inside you… Not right now anyway. But how else do they make you feel?

Do they make you laugh? Make you smile? Make you feel good? Can you be yourself around them? Do they make you feel happy, safe, content?

It’s not everything, of course, you still need that physical spark and excitement – but everything else that they make you feel, certainly shouldn’t be overlooked.

See, studies have actually shown that women are happier with less attractive men… only the difference is, by the time you get to the “commitment” part, you do actually find them attractive anyway.

You can’t be with someone without the attraction part, but when you appreciate this person, for everything that they are, the attraction can really start to grow. So try to put more value on the other ways they make you feel, because all of that – it really is a blessing.

I mean, flip it around and look at it this way – you could find a guy who is physically exactly what you want, but if they make you feel insecure, on edge, unable to trust them, is it really worth it? No flipping way! So it’s all swings and roundabouts.

These – of course – are two examples on opposite ends of the spectrum, but really try to better weigh it up. What is the most important thing to you? How a person looks, or how they make you feel?

How To Find Someone More Attractive

3) Focus On The Things You Do Like

So there’s parts of them that you don’t find attractive. Right now, you’re probably unintentionally homing in on these features. You don’t mean to and you don’t want to, but you are.

Instead of noticing these all the time however, focus on the parts of them you do like – physically. Perhaps they have kind eyes, or get cute little dimples when they grin. Maybe they have broad shoulders, they feel big and strong, and you really like this when you’re next to them.

Think about the things that you like and expand them in your mind. Expand this when you look at them.

If you have kind friends (who aren’t shallow!), you may also like to ask them what they think of them. Explain this guy to them as a person, what they’re like, allow them to build up a picture of who they are in their head, then show them a photo – have them pick out the things they like and what they see.

This can be a useful exercise because:

  1. You may be a little hard here, picking up on things – for example – that are your own insecurities and projecting them on that person.
  2. Everyone has a different type of course, but your friends may notice cute things about them that you didn’t see. This will help to build them up in your mind too.
  3. When we can see other people liking someone that we like, it does funny things to our minds. If you can see this person as someone who is desired, it makes them more desirable to you.

4) See Beyond Their Appearance

We mentioned the importance of getting to know this person on a deeper level – seeing them for who they are and really appreciating the wonderful things about them. Well, this is important, fundamental in fact – because you can then use this to go one step further…

When you look at them, don’t just see the physical person staring back at them. See all of them – the person that they are on the inside too.

The very fact that you’re reading this, that you’ve searched it, found it and have got this far through the article, shows that you do want something more – there are more things of importance than just appearance alone.

So if you can remember this, if you can fall for who the person is over how they look (and the idealised “fantasy” you can so easily build up in your head about them when they’re too-close to perfect), you’ll have a far better chance of having the attraction part grow and strengthen too.

5) Don’t Be Too Critical

So let’s say they’re not perfect – I mean, who actually is anyway?! – it’s important to remember this and try not to be too critical. I mean, the things that you don’t like or don’t find attractive, how important are they? Is it really that big of a deal?

Have you fell for someone before, who has these similar attributes (or worse?!) Because if you got feelings before, you could certainly get them again. Try to think what was different last time and how that attraction grew for the two of you.

Also remember that you’re not perfect either. And you wouldn’t want to be with someone who wants you to be.

So yes, you can’t help it if you’re not attracted to someone, yes I know you’re trying. Sometimes a simple perspective-shift isn’t enough. Sometimes it can help. Everyone is different.

Just try to have the kindest, most positive outlook when it comes to this person and what it could be. Because sometimes, self-sabotage comes into it – looking out for the tiny little flaws and simply finding things to put us off them.

Could that be the case in this situation? Maybe, maybe not. Be honest with yourself.

How To Find Someone Attractive

6) Make It More Date-Like

Shifting into the more action-based strategies when it comes to how to find someone attractive now, I want to suggest thinking through the “dates” that you have and the things that you do.

Maybe right now, you’re struggling with the attraction because you’re currently stuck in the friend zone. There’s potential there, but it’s not quite blossoming.  And it could be because you’re just not “setting the scene” or finding that right environment for the two of you.

So for example, let’s say you’re both very active people, and so every time you see each other – it’s outdoors adventure dates.

This is great, you’re experiencing new things, sharing something that you love. But perhaps add in some light drinks after, the occasional set “date night” in a setting that isn’t quite so familiar.

It doesn’t have to be “romance” as such, but it should feel like you’re dating this person, so when you incorporate more date-like activities, it really helps with the shift.

7) Add A Little Physical Touch

Building on from my last point, another way to find someone more attractive and see them in a different light, is to start adding a little more physical touch there – seeing if it can make you feel certain things, seeing if it makes your feelings evolve.

It doesn’t always have to start sexual, but you do want to increase the intimacy.

Perhaps start with snuggling into him a little more when you’re watching a movie, closing the space between where the two of you sit. Maybe you want to hold hands, rest your hand on his leg.

Or, even aside from the physical side, another great way to explore intimacy is to just look at each other, hold that gaze without looking away, see how it makes you feel inside.

It’s not about having a staring contest (ha!) It’s just in those natural moments when you’re deep in conversation or actually “have a moment” and feel like looking away… don’t. Explore it.

8) Don’t Rush It

When it comes to how to find someone more attractive, forcing it isn’t the answer. Rushing it isn’t either. You can’t just read this, implement a few of our tips then feel like, “damn, it’s just not working!”

It may not be an instant thing. It may take time. And it may even take time, only to fizzle even more so into a friendship. That’s just the way it may go. But if you put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way and give yourself a time frame that it has to happen, you’re actually going to make it far less likely to.

So take a step back, have a breather, trust the process and just see how things unfold.

9) Steer Away From Set Types

The biggest killer for attraction is when you’re too set in a particular type. It’s why contra-dating is a new rising trend.

If you picture yourself with a particular type of person, physically, you’re going to significantly narrow down your pool of potential people and not give everyone a fair shot.

For instance, maybe you’ve always dreamt of that 6ft plus rugby guy, with broad shoulders, muddy brown locks and a bit of stubble. You could then meet a just-as-masculine guy, who ticks many of the right boxes, but if he’s clean shaven, a little balding and just passing 5 ft 10, you won’t give him a second glance.

The thing is, when you have such a narrow type, you can end up missing out on some really great people.

And if you think about it, yes the height can’t change – but that rugby guy you first got with could start to lose his hair, go out of shape… when you love someone, it doesn’t really matter. But if that’s the case – what’s to say you can’t fall for someone who is bang on what you pictured?

Of course you’ll have specifics for what you find attractive and maybe even your “ideal man” in mind, but practice noticing other things that you find attractive, broaden your mind, notice other things in order to expand that type a little. It will really help.

Otherwise you run the risk of just being too picky when dating (which really doesn’t help anyone!)

10) Be Open Minded

The last tip when it comes to how to find someone more attractive, is to be open-minded.

Try not to rule someone out straight away… just like you shouldn’t get swept away when Mr Charming comes along! It works both ways.

If you tell yourself you’re not feeling it, then no, you won’t feel it. If you simply are open to exploring what’s there and where it could go, there will be far more chance that things do progress.

How To Find Someone Attractive

So there we have it, how to find someone more attractive.

Like we said, there’s no guarantees – this may or may not work. But at least, if you’ve then given each person a proper shot – especially when you feel like they tick a lot of other boxes when it comes to what you’re looking for – then from there, you can move forward with no doubts or regrets.

Sometimes it’s disappointing, frustrating even. You may feel like you could meet a lot of great people, but they’re just not “the one.” But it’s the right thing to do, to walk away or keep things as friends, if you’re not 100% about them, because…

Everyone deserves to be with someone who finds them attractive. Everyone deserves to feel like they beautiful – because they are, each in their own way. So if you don’t find someone attractive, that doesn’t mean they’re not, it just means that they’re not the one for you. And that’s okay. It’s simply all part of the dating process.

I hope this has helped. Best of luck with your journey. If you’re struggling to find “the one”, then get in touch, because we have a formula to help you find love far faster and easier.

Take care!


How To Find Someone Attractive
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Ella Stearn
Ell is a Breakup, Dating & Relationship Specialist & Coach, with over 3 million annual readers, globally. As the Creator of Forgetting Fairytales, her mission is to help you learn to love yourself, find the right person to give your love to, then make it a love that truly lasts.

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