Worried you’re coming on too strong? Want to not only know how to play it cool when dating – but also FEEL cool? Have that level-headed, carefree live-in-the-moment attitude when dating? Well, you’ve to the right place my friends!
What Does “Playing It Cool Mean”?
So we’ve all heard of “playing it cool.” Maybe you’ve tried to do it yourself, or have recognised the signs a guy likes you but is playing it cool.
But what exactly does it mean? Well, by definition, playing it cool is:
“Deliberately behaving in a calm, unemotional way because you do not want people to know you are enthusiastic or angry about something.”
But I don’t particularly like this, so I want to re-define it…
See, it’s not about game-playing. You’re not just holding in your emotions because you want to be seen in a particular way. No, no, no. Instead…
It’s more about knowing when your emotions are reasonable, when they’re not, understanding when it is and isn’t helpful to express certain emotions or feelings, and knowing when it would actually be better to just work through them yourself.
I want you to develop more strength, confidence and self-awareness. To have a healthy outlook and be able to deal with the different “challenges” that come your way, particularly once you start catching feelings for a person and start to feel out of control.
Why The Traditional “Play It Cool” Doesn’t Often Work
“Playing it cool” is an old school piece of advice. It’s based on the idea that if you act like you’re not really eager for the relationship, you suddenly become irresistible.
Now there is an element of that. I mean, look at why we go for bad boys – their unattainability adds to their appeal.
We see them as difficult to get, because it’s some sort of indication of their desirability and worth.
The thing is – and this is especially true as you get older – people don’t want games.
When you’re ready for something meaningful, long-lasting and serious, you just want to find someone on the same page as you.
So although the “play it cool” approach may work with men who want a challenge – it won’t usually attract the right people.
Studies In Attraction & Interest
If you’re struggling to believe me, then listen to this then…
Psychology professor Gurit Birnbaum, conducted a series of six studies, published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior.
These looked at whether uncertainty about a partner’s romantic intentions affected how sexually attractive they were perceived to be.
In the first study, 51 women and 50 men, aged 19 to 31 and all single, were told they were chatting to another participant online who was in another room.
Then they were told their photo would be shown to the other person and they could see a photo of who they were talking to in return.
In reality, the other person in the chat was one of the researchers, and every participant was shown the same photo of someone of the opposite sex. (But of course, they didn’t know this!)
At the end of the chat, participants could send one final message. Some were told their chat partner was waiting for them, while others were told they weren’t.
The idea was to create certainty or uncertainty about the online partner’s interest. Participants then rated their partner’s sexual desirability and how much they wanted to talk to them again.
Those who knew the partner was eager to hear from them perceived them as more sexually attractive than those who were uncertain.
The rest of the studies showed a similar pattern — that sexual desire seems to thrive on reduced uncertainty. And this was true for men and women in committed relationships too.
[ Psst, want to get better at dating? Check out our top 10 recommended reads. Click here to see our roundup list: The Best Dating Books That Will Help You Find Love: Click Here ]
So Do We Actually Want To Play It Cool When Dating?
So you might start to think now, okay, this is surprising – maybe I don’t have to play it cool after all… but in this case, why on earth are you writing this article Ell ?!?!
Well because you weren’t going to find it by searching how to not play it cool were you?
You wanted to know how to play it cool when dating, and now you know that actually, that approach may not be the best way. Well, not in the way that you’d initially think anyway…
See you don’t need to text back slower, you don’t need to keep him hanging, you don’t need to try to make him jealous. All of those toxic techniques for playing it cool are OUT!
However, I do want to introduce some strategies for how to cool your mind when it comes to the person you’re dating. Uh huh, that’s where the cool-playing comes in.
How To Play It Cool When Dating
So what do you do? Well, here’s the right way to play it cool when dating…
1) Avoid Conflict Unless It’s Necessary
What do men hate? Conflict. In fact – what do most people hate? Conflict. And in the early dating stages, what is most definitely the last thing you want? Conflict, conflict, conflict!
When it’s right, it feels easy. And often, you can sabotage your own chance at a relationship by creating problems when there aren’t any, or don’t need to be any.
If you want to play it cool when dating – act cool. Be a cool person. Be cool in the fact that you don’t create drama.
And I know, I know, most of the times you don’t want to create it… You don’t even see it as drama. You’re just expressing your emotions. Which is fine.
But when you feel your emotions, they’re negative and will potentially stir up some trouble if you bring it up with the person you’re dating, I want you to ask yourself…
Questions For Consideration:
- Where is this coming from? Is it valid? Is it important at this stage? And is it actually real / true? What “evidence” do I have that it is, or could I potentially be blowing things up in my head?
- What outcome do I want here? Am I currently in the stage where I should be expecting this outcome from this person? And how do I wish to achieve it? – Just talk it through? What do I hope / want the other person to say? And is that fair or reasonable?
- How long have I felt this way? Am I acting on this too fast? Could I instead just write it down to get it all out, and then sit on it for a while – decide if I still feel this way in a day, a few days, a week, or two? Do I need to bring this up right now?
- How important is it to me? Is this a deal-breaker? Is this actually a dilemma? Is it in my best interest to bring it up? Will it improve the relationship? Will it be good for the relationship?
See it’s just about thinking things through before you bring them up. Not because you’re scared of what they’re going to say or how they’re going to act, but because you want to make sure it’s the best thing to do…
Not just the best for you, in that moment, so you feel a weight “getting it off your chest”, but because you know that it’s important.
2) Have a Handle Of Your Emotions
Having a handle of your emotions is essential when it comes to playing it cool.
Not only will it avoid unnecessary confrontation like mentioned above, but it will also stop you from potentially sabotaging it. I mean…
- You won’t become anxious, stressed, jealous or possessive in the very early stages of dating a person, when you have suspicions that they’re probably still dating other people for now too.
- You won’t stress out when you start to catch feelings. In fact, you’ll know how to slow them down and view them as a positive thing – not something to fear!
- You won’t get angry or worked up over little things. And you certainly won’t take it out on the people who are closest to you… including the person you’re dating! (Which in turn only pushes them away.)
- You won’t freak out when he texts you back a little slower one day – jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst. Maybe it triggered your abandonment issues – but if so, you know how to recognise this and deal with it. That’s essential.
- You won’t send that drunken, 15-text-long, raging rant. Instead, you’ll take a deep breath, put down your phone and calmly talk it out in the morning.
The better place you’re in mentally, the cooler you’ll be able to “play” it, and the cooler you’ll feel.
You’ll actually be able to enjoy the dating process far more, and it will create a far stronger base for a healthier relationship, not to mention the scope for it to actually develop into that.
3) Leave Your Past Behind
If you want to be able to play it cool when dating, you have to let go of your past baggage. The baggage that makes you feel hurt, vulnerable, damaged. You’re not.
And if you focus on that, instead of the new person that you have in your life – you’re just going to let it taint things.
So you got hurt before? It happens to the best of us. But every person deserves a fresh slate. You deserve the fresh slate too.
This is a new chapter. Everything that happened before with anyone else is irrelevant.
And let’s say you made mistakes, you acted crazy before, you messed up, ruined “what you could have had.” Well girl, you’ve got to stop beating yourself up.
Some things happen as lessons. They happen because we needed to learn something. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself. Let it go. And look forward to what you could have now… what you do have now.
Appreciate this new relationship. Appreciate the potential it has. And enjoy where it’s currently at – enjoy just being with this person right now, no matter where it does or doesn’t go.
4) Stop Being So Clingy(!)
So maybe you found your way to this article, searching “how to play it cool” because you know – right now – you are NOT acting cool.
You’re being needy, clingy and you don’t even want to be.
So first up, I want to say – hats off to you for recognising it. You’re not demanding more from the person, you’re saying to yourself, “cut it out!”
You don’t want to be this way, you know it’s not healthy to be this way (for your own sanity either!) and that’s great because that’s going to create the change in behaviour that you need.
If you want to stop being clingy, you need to:
- Focus on building your self-esteem.
- Set your own boundaries for what is and isn’t too much.
- Break the bad habits. For instance, if you find yourself texting too much – set a phone ban, distance yourself from temptation. Be strict with it!
- Focus more on yourself for a little while.
- Get clear on where this behaviour is coming from and properly address it.
There’s just five pointers for a starting point. Swat up on it more if you need. Here’s a complete article on: How To Stop Being Clingy.
But it’s essential that you cut out any clingy behaviour, because that definitely isn’t cool and leads to coming on far too strong, usually always far too soon too!
5) Trust That It Will Work Out The Way It’s Meant To
Now as hard as it may feel to believe, it’s important to know (and truly believe) that it’s okay if you catch feelings but it doesn’t work out.
Attitude is everything and when you adopt this outlook; when you start to see every new relationship in this way; it makes it FAR easier to act A LOT cooler about the whole situation and whoever you’re dating.
Essentially, you want to take a step back – give each new relationship your best shot, but trust that – if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Still do all that you can (from your side) to make it work, but if it doesn’t – know that that’s okay.
But you don’t need to force it, you don’t need to rush it, and when you don’t – you end up acting far cooler and giving it a far better shot anyway. (Win, win, win!)
Why This Type of Playing It Cool Works
If you play it cool in this way when dating, you’re showing that you know your worth, you’re showing that you’re a strong, independent woman, and that only makes you more appealing.
You’re not pushing your fears, worries or insecurities on them too soon. Instead, you’re dealing with any issues your own way, only addressing doubts when needed.
You’re being your own person. You’re keeping your own life. And you’re taking it slow – not as part of any game, but to ensure that what the two of you have is real.
You’re allowing it to flourish at its own pace and you are becoming even more attractive – not by playing it cool in a way that you seem uninterested, disconnected or unattainable. But in a way that’s like,
“Yeah, this girl knows who she is. She’s got a lot going for her. I can totally see that. And I’m going to put the graft in. I’m going to work for this.”
Because as much as we say that you don’t have to play it cool when dating, the opposite still stands true – if you come on too strong, if you give them EVERYTHING, without them even necessarily “deserving’ it in the early days, then yes, that is a turn off and it will get the dynamics wrong.
So you see? This is how to play it cool when dating, but in a healthy way.
Good luck! Hope this has helped.
Love,
Ell_xx
Recommended Reads:
