So you want to know how to tell if someone is genuine? How to know if you can trust someone? If you should genuinely believe the things they’re saying to you? Well my friends, you’ve come to the right place.
In this post, we’re going to break down how to know if someone is being genuine – the key signs, the biggest indicators, the things you need to know to piece together a better picture of them.
This focuses specifically on dating (of course!) but it can be applied to other types of relationships too. So you ready? Alright then. Let’s jump straight in.
How To Tell If Someone Is Genuine
So in order to be able to tell if someone is genuine, let’s start with the fundamentals – the three key areas to focus on.
#1 Do Their Actions Match Their Words?
The easiest way to tell if someone is genuine is going off whether their actions match their words. For instance…
- He says he’s a man of his word and – so far – he actually hasn’t let you down. If he says he’s going to be there, he’s there. If he makes plans, he won’t bail. And if for any reason something crops up and he has to – there’s a genuine reason, he’ll tell you as soon as he possibly can and will re-arrange straight away.
- On the flip-side, you could have a situation where she says she doesn’t date much, or isn’t speaking to anyone else… And yet she’s still actively using dating apps, her location is constantly changing and she’s often updating their profile. Umm, no. Something doesn’t add up there. You see?
These are just two simple examples. You don’t need to overanalyse or look out for different things. But if you notice things, actually notice them – make a note of them if you need even. It will make it far easier to build up a bigger, and more accurate picture of the person.
#2 Do Their Words Conflict?
You can also tell how genuine a person is by whether their words match up. See, when initially dating, it’s common for people to show you their “best selves”, natural even. There’s nothing necessarily manipulative about that.
But you can start to see whether or not they’re being genuine or not, by whether they can keep up the “act” or stay true to how they first portray themselves. For instance…
- A guy prides himself in being a “good person”, he makes a point of saying what a “good guy” he is, and yet the way he treats others when you’re out, doesn’t always reflect that. Or – more so than that – the little comments he says when his guard is down, or the things he lets slip, suggests otherwise.
It’s easy to say things. Say anything. But you know if a person is being genuine with that by if their words continue to match up.
Recommended Read: 7 Signs You Can’t Trust Him
More often than not, a person doesn’t actually have to SAY what they’re like. The little things they say SHOW what they’re like, on top of their actions of course. This shows you far more about them and they shouldn’t have to go to a particular effort to TELL you what they’re like. It should just be clear.
#3 Is It “Too Soon” or “Too Good To Be True”?
Now we don’t want to live life being sceptical or cynical. Not at all. But sometimes you’ll not quite buy into what someone’s saying, because it doesn’t seem realistic or true. Ask yourself:
- Is this person “selling me the dream?” Are they saying all the right things? Saying the things that have been said time and time before – the things most guys think we want to hear?
- Do they ever say anything that could be interpreted as negative? Is there a balance here or is it all just strong lines and promises that you’re not totally sure they’ll be able to keep?
- Is what they’re saying a bit much, a bit too soon? Could they be potentially love-bombing you here? Have you spoken enough or seen each other enough to really justify these actions and words?
Sometimes you’ll just get a gut feeling – a gut feeling that something’s not quite right or not really adding up.
When you get this, don’t instantly believe it, but also don’t brush it off. Look at where it’s coming from and why, then consider how valid or important that point is.
See, it’s easier to know when something ISN’T right (when you actually allow yourself to see it) – which is why we want to focus on this to know if someone is being genuine or not.
Signs They’re Not Being Genuine
So those are the three core fundamental areas to focus on when considering if someone is being genuine. But what else should you look out for? What are the signs they’re not being genuine? Well, we touched on some of these briefly above, but let’s explore further.
1) What They Say Is Impersonal
They say they like you, but they don’t really say why. They complement you but it could be a complement that’s said to anyone.
It’s impersonal and this is probably down to the fact that they don’t ask you many questions, they’ve never seemed fascinated to understand the ins and outs of you – taking a genuine interest in you and what you’re all about.
You feel like actually – they don’t totally know you, and consequently (although you wish what they are saying would be true), you don’t see how it could be. This leads me onto my next point…
2) It’s Generally All About Them
It’s always how they feel, what they’ve done, what they want. You feel an imbalance in the relationship. You feel like you’re always on the back-foot, putting the graft in, trying to keep them happy, and that’s all they really care about too.
They’re self-absorbed, they think about themselves more than they think about you. It’s like they think they’re above you. The truth is, inside, they don’t feel great about themselves. That’s why they have such a facade, that’s why they can’t just be genuine or true.
In some ways, they worry that if they were, if they fully let their guard down, if they focused on you – you may not want them, and that would hurt. So although it hurts us when a person isn’t genuine, know that there’s far more too it, and ultimately – it comes back to them.
3) They Start To Be Inconsistent
Feelings change. As you get to know a person, you can change your mind. Maybe you get the ick, don’t see a person romantically anymore or just decide the two fo you align. That’s fine.
But the difference is when a person tells you they like you, you say things you don’t actually mean, and then you start to behave in a different way.
The person may stop treating you the way they did at the beginning, they may become flakey, start messing you around.
If this behaviour is quite a dramatic shift, if it seems “out of character” to you, hurtful or confusing – it’s a big sign they just weren’t being genuine and aren’t the person you thought they were.
4) It’s All Or Nothing
It all starts well. Too well in some cases. The person seems to be everything you want. They make you feel the way you want to feel. It’s all seemingly amazing.
Now there’s probably a little love-bombing going on, in hindsight – this goes back to looking out for whether it’s too much, too soon.
But what you’ll also notice if someone isn’t being genuine is…
- They’ll make little things be big things, blow situations up, cause problems, behave in ways they really shouldn’t. This is because although they’ve “sold you the dream”, it wasn’t genuine, wasn’t real and so they’re not as afraid of pushing you too far and losing you, because they don’t actually feel the way they say they do. (Ouch. I know. It can be pretty hard to hear!)
- They’ll also be fast to walk away – will run at the first sign of trouble. When you genuinely feel something for a person, you don’t do that. You don’t expect someone to be perfect and you don’t give up because of the slightest thing. Unfortunately if they do this, if they walk away when they really didn’t need to – that’s the point you know that what they said they felt, wasn’t entirely true.
5) Their Body Language Doesn’t Match Up
You can also watch out for body language gestures that contradict or mismatch with someone’s words. For instance…
- They say they’re happy for you that you’ve got the opportunity to travel and say they “hope you have a great time”, and yet seem to have a look of contempt.
- Or maybe they’re trying to reassure you, to tell you you have nothing to worry about, but they can’t quite meet your eye, find themselves looking away or partially covering their mouth.
- They’re listening to a story you’re sharing and are smiling but the smile doesn’t quite meet their eyes. On top of this their response is probably pretty standard, just small injections into the story, almost like they’re not really listening.
Understanding body language can tell you a lot about a person and how they really feel. It’s well worth swatting up on!
6) They Don’t Actually Express How They Feel
They can love-bomb you, they can say all the right things – the things that could be said to anyone. But they’re not actually very good at expressing their real emotions. For instance…
A guy you’re dating doesn’t feel comfortable with you dating other people – but instead of telling you this, or asking if you are, he’ll make “digs”, little snidey comments.
This can show a lack of maturity, a lack of confidence too in many ways, but it can also show they’re being far less genuine.
See, because inauthentic people don’t understand what it means to be true to themselves, they end up running away from who they really are. They are incapable of expressing how they truly feel because they have cut themselves off from their deeper emotions, probably because they fear what they might find there.
Perhaps they believe that in order to get the things they want, they have to be willing to lie, cheat and bend the rules.
You don’t need to understand the “why” part, you just need to recognise when it’s happening and what that could mean.
7) They Won’t Recognise Their Mistakes
They’ve got it into their head who they are and how they need to act, and they stick with it. If there’s problems or conflict:
- Like we said above, not only are they less bothered about it escalating because their feelings are not as real as they make out. But…
- They’re also less willing to recognise the mistakes they made and the part they played in the end conflict.
In their mind, they’re right, you’re wrong. And not only will they not see otherwise, but they also won’t ever act differently either. (In most cases anyway.)
They’re more focused on keeping up this “act”. They need to look good to feel good. They also aren’t too worried about the actual quality of their character or trying to better themselves.
This is why they’re more likely to up and run, to not let things go, to hold onto bad feeling that was created by a situation or conflict between the two of you.
After all, forgiveness would mean having the humility to see that no one is perfect. In their mind, they are perfect, and everyone else falls short. They blame everything on other people – all past relationship failures, it wasn’t on them. But this will only hold them back.
8) They Have Unrealistic Expectations
If you want to know how to tell if someone is genuine, start to understand what they’re looking for in a relationship, what they want, and what they don’t.
See – because they’re not being totally real, they lose sight of what’s real, what’s normal and what’s not. They think there should be no conflict, they think everything needs to be perfect… and if it’s not, they’re done.
They tend to keep things fairly surface level, they also have a limited view of the world. They focus on what others can do for them. Because they see things through this distorted lens, they make decisions and build their life based on flawed perceptions.
9) They’re Manipulative
You’ll often find a lot of people who aren’t genuine, are also pretty manipulative. The two go hand and hand, not in all cases, but in many.
Spotting the signs of manipulation is a whole separate topic in itself, but some general signs of manupulation include:
- Getting too close too fast.
- Always letting you speak first to gage your thoughts and opinions.
- Twisting the facts.
- Twisting the things that you say.
- Putting words into your mouth.
- Making you feel bad about the way you feel or the things you say.
- Downplaying your problems or emotions and making theirs bigger.
- Criticising you, or trying to get “one up” on you.
- Using “jokes” or “banter” as digs and insults.
- Using your feelings against you.
- Guilt tripping or giving ultimatums / non-physical threats.
- Making you question your sanity.
The list could go on and on.
10) They Don’t Make You Feel Good About Yourself
I always say: The right people make you feel good about yourself. The wrong people make you question if you’re good enough.
So whether it’s through manipulation, whether it’s because he’s only ever calling for hook-ups, instead of making the effort with actual dates, or if he just – intentionally or not – makes you question your worth, it’s a big sign he’s not being genuine.
If he feels the way he should about you, it won’t create questions or doubt. So in theory, knowing how to tell if someone is genuine, should be easy – with the right person, and when you take away your own fears or insecurities.
How To Tell If Someone Is Genuine
So there we have it – a starting point for how to tell if someone is genuine… and how to tell if they’re not. Of course, sometimes you can’t always know for sure. You also don’t want to end up driving yourself crazy trying to figure it out!
So take a deep breath, look at the facts, go with your feelings and don’t be afraid to take a step back if things don’t quite feel right.
Ultimately, it’s going to take time to know if someone is genuine. But there’s no rush. I always say,
Give everyone a fresh slate. Don’t let your negative past experiences taint how you see people today. Give everyone that new opportunity – to show you who they are and see if that gels with you. Assume the best of everyone, unless they show you otherwise. Just don’t be disappointed or deflated if it turns out for the worst. (Because sometimes it does.) That’s just people. It’s nothing to take personally and is no reflection on you.
You have to get pretty thick skin when dating. You also have to stick with it – even if you have a run of “duff” dates. At times it can feel like “everyones’s the same”, but they’re not. And it’s worth sticking it out to find what you want and deserve.
So good luck. Keep at it. And if you’re really struggling and want to make the process a little easier, I’m here to give you a hand.
All the best,
Ell_xx
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