Rejection is a natural, normal part of the dating process, and it’s time we change the say we see it. Here’s why we (seriously) need to normalize rejection when dating, plus – how to actually do it.
See, as humans, we’re wired to FEAR rejection. Rejection goes against our natural survival instincts. After all, in the wild, if you’re rejected, you’re less likely to survive.
But you need to step away from your survival mode and remember – this isn’t that kind of situation! You are safe. And rejection can be okay.
How Most People See Rejection When Dating
I mean, let’s actually break this down a little. See, right now, you probably feel rejected when:
- A person doesn’t want a date with you, or doesn’t want another date.
- A person ghosts you. Although here’s the real reasons they ghosted, by the way!
- A person you’re dating treats you badly. Or lets you down.
- A person only sees you as a friend or thinks you’re not right for each other romantically, for whatever reason that may be.
As a result, you’re then likely to associate rejection when dating, with feeling of:
- “Why does no-one ever want me?”
- “I’m just not good enough.”
- “I hate this.”
- “This is so embarrassing!”
- “I need to be more like [this] or [this].”
The problem is, we make it SO easy to feel rejected, and make the reasons for that rejection SO hurtful.
Why We Need To Normalize Rejection When Dating
The truth is, what you take as “rejection” is a normal part of the dating process. It happens with friendships too.
- You’ve just met someone.
- You get to know them.
- In time, you then determine how you see them and where it’s likely to go.
Is seeing someone as just a friend, really rejection? Is thinking that the two of you don’t align with what you want, or aren’t quite compatible romantically, rejection?
Not really. It’s just an assessment, from both sides, of yours and theirs suitability. There’s no right or wrong as such. It’s all just feeling.
Likewise, if someone treats you badly, are they rejecting you?
No. They’re just living by their standards of what they think is okay. They’re probably treating you how they treat most people. It’s nothing personal. Not really.
For everyone who’s not feeling you, there were other people who did or are.
If you know that being rejected is part of the dating journey, you’ll be less immobilised when it happens, less shocked, timid, or afraid, because you’ll know it simply comes with it.
So reframe your brain. Know that rejection isn’t a loss. It’s part of the process.
You Choose How Much Power Rejection Has Over You
As part of normalizing rejection when dating, it’s helpful to remember that rejection is also part of all areas of life, if you think about it. I mean, in theory:
- If your friend says they’re not free on a date that you are and you suggested doing something, you could see it as rejection. Would you? Probably not. You know it is exactly what it is – they’re just not free. And so it doesn’t really hit you so hard.
- If you smiled at a stranger walking by and they didn’t smile back, you could see it as rejection. Would you? Maybe to some degree. But you’d likely just conclude: “what a miserable old toad they are!” and you wouldn’t give it a second thought.
- If you did some online shopping, went to pay and your card was declined (for no apparent reason!), you could see it as a form of rejection. It didn’t go through. The bank said no. But would you see that as rejection, really? No. More of an inconvenience, but “just the way it goes sometimes” I’m sure!
And so why does dating have to be any different? Why does it have to hit so hard?
Well, because of the MEANING you give it and what you associate with it. And that is exactly why we need to normalize rejection when dating; if not on a societal level, at least on a personal level.
Rejection is a Healthy Part of Dating
When you think about it, you actually want and need rejection when dating.
Without it, you’d never find the right person for you as everyone no-one would ever say anything “negative”, everyone would therefore start to blend in and you’d have complete choice overload.
What you see right now as rejection is actually only:
- People showing their true colours.
- People not being where you are right now. Or not looking for the same things.
- People sharing completely valid points about compatibility that you’ll go on to appreciate and likely realise in time if you don’t already right now.
- A valuable time-saver. After all, even if you’re feeling it with someone – if they’re not, they’re fundamentally not right for you. (And yes, it is as simple as that!)
It’s not reasonable to expect everyone you like, to like you back, feel the same spark, be willing to invest in the same way, at the same time as you. A lot of things need to align! That’s what makes it so special when you do find the right person!
It’s good to find out what works, what doesn’t, who is an option and who’s not. It helps and ultimately leads you closer to the right person for you.
What You Need To Remember About Rejection When Dating
“Rejection” is NOT that you’re not good enough.
Gee, sometimes things don’t feel right with a person and you (nor they) can’t even put their finger on what’s missing, right there and then. But it’s okay.
“Dating is ultimately a numbers game and so “rejection” HAS to come with it.
It’s no reflection on you. It doesn’t determine your value. It certainly doesn’t decrease your worth. And it happens to EVERYONE!
I mean it. Every single person is going to have faced some sort of rejection at some point in their love life – including their love life. Even the most desirable person, in your eyes.
Rejection when dating is natural and normal. I repeat: rejection when dating is natural and normal!
Does That Mean That Rejection Shouldn’t Hurt?
Well, no, rejection can still hurt. You should still feel your emotions in order to properly release them, and work through rejection properly.
But if you can normalize rejection when dating, it has far less impact and power over you.
Look at it this way… It’s like a football player who misses a penalty...
Does he feel pretty lousy about it? Yes. He wanted to score! He thought he should score! But does he know he’s not going to score every shot? Absolutely. And so he doesn’t dwell on it for too long, or beat himself up and he certainly doesn’t take it personally! It’s just part of the game.
Just like how rejection is part of the dating game.
The sooner you realise this and really start to embed it in your mind – the happier you’ll be and the more enjoyable dating will become.
How To Normalize Rejection When Dating
So, how do you actually normalize rejection when dating?
If you read all of this and are in agreement that – okay, maybe rejection isn’t such a big deal and definitely shouldn’t be something to fear, how do you actually embed it into your dating life so that you can permanently feel that way, particularly in the moments when you most need to?
Well, my friends, we happen to think there’s a pretty simple and easy process…
1) Get Outside Your Comfort Zone
The more healthy rejections you have when dating, the less you fear them. Be open, honest and transparent with people you’re dating and welcome the same back.
Lay your cards on the table and create a safe space for them to do the same too.
The more positive experiences you have with that previously-feared “rejection” when dating, the less and less you will fear it.
2) Challenge, Replace & Embed
Challenge your limiting beliefs about rejection when dating and create new empowering dating affirmations around the new beliefs you want to embed in your mind.
Repeat these with meaning, and really start to live by them. Remind yourself, repeat it to yourself, and FEEL that every time.
3) Recognise The Times You Reject Someone
Notice when, why and how you reject people when dating. So often we can fixate on how WE feel and what WE go through, we forget about others.
Be sure to reject people nicely when dating and remember that – just like when you reject others, it’s nothing personal really, it’s nothing personal against you either.
4) Open Up
Open up to friends & family about what you feel to be negative dating experiences, and how you HONESTLY feel. Gain the kindness, support and compassion from loved ones.
The more you talk about rejection when dating, the more you play your part in helping to normalize it.
The more you share, the more stories you’ll also hear from others who are going through or have been through the same thing as you too – which in turn offers additional comfort.
5) Get Committed
Get committed. Refuse to let rejection beat you. Practice self-compassion, self-care and self-love to lift you up and push you through the hard times.
And keep going until eventually – you WILL find love, and you will then be the one helping to normalize rejection when dating to your single friends! 🫶
That’s All For This One
I hope you’ve found this eye-opening and insightful. Do you think we need to normalize rejection when dating? Let us know in the comments below!
Like many things in life, dating is a process, a journey, but a huge opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery too.
So feel proud of every breakthrough you make (big or small), take pleasure in expanding your mind and improving your way of thinking. And know that this will actually be a chapter of your life that you look back on and feel thankful for.
Sending all my encouragement and support.
Love,
Ell_xx
