How do you know what you want and need in a partner? What your true deal-breakers and non-negotiable’s are? Want to feel clearer and more confident about this? Then here’s 51+ questions you need to ask to establish this.
Who Should Do This Exercise?
This exercise is designed for singles who want to date smarter and strategically, but it can also be a valuable exercise for couples to do – particularly if you’re questioning whether you really are with the right partner.
It may lead to some tough relationship questions you need to ask, but this isn’t always a bad thing and doesn’t necessarily have to result in a break-up.
Likewise when it comes to singles – this exercise is here to HELP you, not hinder you by creating unrealistic expectations or standards. It saves you time and heartache, whilst helping you find the love you really want and deserve, far easier.
How To Establish What You Want and Need In a Partner
When it comes to how to establish what you want and need in a partner, you want to first explore your wants and desires, before then reviewing which of these are absolute necessities and why.
So let’s start from the top, shall we?

51+ Questions To Establish What You Want In a Partner
When it comes to establishing what you want in a partner, this can be broken down into 5 core categories. Have a read and jot down note-answers to as many of these as you can…
Values and Character:
1) What do you value most as a person? And which of these values is it important that your partner aligns on as well?
2) What morals will you always stand by? And what moral compass would your ideal partner have in different areas of their life and how they live?
3) What qualities do you admire in others?
4) Are there any particular sides of you you’d want your partner to bring out? If so, why and how?
5) In what ways do you think you and your partner should best complement each other?
6) And in what ways do you think it’s important that the two of you are alike?
7) How would you best summarise yourself and your character? (If you’re not currently showing up as your “best self” also outline how you’d ideally like to be, then make a personal development bucket list plan to get yourself there!)
8) How would you best summarise your ideal partner and your character? What kind of person do you most enjoy being around? What kind of person makes you feel good in and about yourself?
9) How will your partner show you loyalty / respect / [any important value here]?
10) How will your values influence and cultivate the kind of relationship you want to create?
BONUS: 11) What is your relationship vision? What would your ideal relationship look like? And what kind of people would you both need to be, in order to build the relationship you want to have?

Relationship Needs:
12) How much emotional support do you need in a relationship?
13) How important is it to feel understood and validated by your partner?
14) In what ways would you like to be supported by your partner? (Break down different categories – e.g. when it comes to your career, your personal development, family even.)
15) What level of physical affection do you want / need?
16) How do you like to express affection? And how do you best like to receive it?
17) How important are the other types of intimacy that your relationship needs? (Try putting them in order of importance and assessing how well this would align with others.)
18) Do you prefer a partner who is more expressive or reserved with their emotions?
19) What are your downfalls when it comes to meeting a partner’s needs? Are these “workable”? What kind of partner would you best be able to meet the needs of?
20) What needs couldn’t you meet, or wouldn’t you want to meet? What would you see as unreasonable?
21) Are there any needs that you have, that others have struggled to meet in past relationships? And are these something you’d want to keep moving forward? Why / why not?

Trust & Communication:
22) How important is open and honest communication to you? And what exactly does that look like?
23) How do you deal with lying in a relationship, or white lies even?
24) What does it take for you to trust someone in a relationship?
25) What are the key signs that someone is trustworthy, in your mind?
26) How much space and freedom do you need in a relationship? And how much independence would your ideal partner have? What would your lives best look like – both together and apart?
27) What are your expectations regarding commitment and exclusivity?
28) What would you class as cheating or infidelity? And how would you want your partner to see it?
29) How do you best handle conflict in a relationship, and what kind of conflict resolution style do you prefer?
30) What are the signs that the two of you align when it comes to communication?
31) What would a happy, healthy relationship – full of trust, love and communication – look like to you? Both in the early stages and long-term?

Lifestyle & Interests:
32) What are your hobbies and interests? And how important is it that your partner shares some of them?
33) How do you spend your free-time / down-time, and how would your partner ideally?
34) What would be an absolute “ick” or no-go? (If any!) And why?
35) In what ways does your lifestyle and interests align with your morals and values? And how would you like your partner’s to, too?
36) How important is health and wellbeing to you? And how much does that influence the way that you live?
37) How important is travel and adventure to you? Or [go through different things here]?
38) How sociable are you as a person? And would it matter how sociable your partner is? To which degree and why?
39) What are your views on family and how much time do you want to spend with them? (Both your family and theirs.)
40) What financial goals do you have? And how important is it that your partner shares these?
41) What would be the ideal way for you and your partner to live?

Future Planning:
42) What are your long-term goals in life, and how important is it that your partner aligns with them?
43) Are there any things you’d like to do before reaching a certain age, or achieve? And what might the impact of this be on a relationship?
44) Are there any things you’d like to do as a couple? What essential experiences / things would you like to tick off together? (Perhaps browse these bucket list ideas for couples or key dating and relationship milestones if you’re feeling unsure.)
45) What are your relationship goals? How would you like things to ideally go and progress, and on what (rough) timeframe? How important / flexible is this?
46) How important is your career? How ambitious are you? And how important would ambition and success be to your partner?
47) What would a successful life look like to you?
48) Do you want children, and if so, how many and when?
49) What would parenting look like for you? Both individually and as a couple?
50) If you’re looking to have a family – how would this influence your work? Would you like to be a stay-at-home parent? What are your views on this, plus childcare?
51) What is your vision for your relationship and future family? How would you like to live, and what would life ideally look like for all of you? And how important is it that your partner shares this vision?

How To Review What You Need In a Partner
So the above questions help you get a better idea of what you want in a partner. After that, the next step is to review what you actually NEED – what the most important things really are.
To do this, simply have a read through your notes, and for each point, ask yourself:
- How important is this to me?
- Why does this matter?
- To what degree would this impact me, my relationship and our life, if this WASN’T present in my partner / our relationship?
- Does this have to be a deal-breaker / non-negotiable? If so, why?
Then, review your answers. Does this sound fair and reasonable? Do you feel confident in this decision? Your real “needs” will be clear by this point, you see.
But if you’re feeling unsure – remember, we offer Affordable Specialist Dating Coaching and Relationship Coaching, with one-off Power Hour Coaching Calls available.
Who you choose as a life partner is a MASSIVE deal. It influences all areas of your life, your future and how you feel, so it’s important to do the ground-work and really get it right.
That’s All For This One
So that rounds up how to establish what you want and need in a partner, with 51+ helpful questions to begin to guide you.
I really hope you’ve found this valuable.
Wishing you all the very best.
Love,
Ell_xx
