Is your ex testing you? Do they still secretly have feelings and they want to gage where your heads at? Or maybe they’re just playing games? In this post, we’ll help you work them out, with 10 key signs your ex is testing you (or certainly could be anyway.) From this, you’ll then be able to better read their behaviour and what they actually want.
Why Would Your Ex Be Testing You?
So first up, before we look at the signs your ex is testing you, let’s consider why they may be testing you – like, what is there to gain? Well:
1) They Want To Get Back With You
Let’s start with the most common reason – they want to get back with you. In fact, “nearly half of all separated couples give it another go”, studies show. Not that the success rate of these couples is especially high! However, it’s a common thing.
They’re therefore testing you to see if you feel the same way. Cue:
2) They Want To See If You’ve Changed
Your ex may also be testing you because they still love you, they want to be with you – but maybe they don’t trust you, or there’s changes they think you need to make in order to get back together.
If this is the case, they’re testing you to gain confidence that things really will be different and they’re making the right decision. If you don’t “pass the test” and act in the same way, they simply won’t get back with you.
3) They’re Curious
Now it could be that they’re testing you, simply because they’re curious. They don’t mean any harm, they also don’t necessarily want to get back with you. It’s usually because they just want to see what you’re like, see how you’re doing.
4) They Want an Ego Boost
They could also be testing you to see how you’d act or behave. Perhaps they’re looking for an ego-boost. They want to feel good, and they know that you have the ability to give them a boost.
If this is the case, you’ll notice more mind-games. They want you to chase. They just don’t necessarily, definitely want you. This leads me onto my final point…
5) They’re Playing With You
We’ve also got to throw out the prospect that they’re testing you to “play” with you.
They want to get a reaction out of you. Maybe it was a bad breakup, they want revenge, they want to mess you around a bit, want to get inside your head.
It’s a different motive to the last one, although you’ll notice similar types of behaviour. It’s a possibility anyway – although hopefully not the case in your situation.
– Is Your Ex Over You? Click Here To Find Out
Is Your Ex Testing You?
These are the main reasons why your ex may be testing you. But it helps to be aware of what could be driving them, as this then allows you to better piece it altogether and better make sense of it all.
Signs Your Ex Is Testing You
So how do you know if your ex is testing you? What are the signs your ex is testing you? Well, you may notice that….
1) They Try To Make You Jealous
This will be one of the most common signs your ex is testing you, particularly if they want to know if you still have feelings for them, or – on the flip side – they want to stir up a bit of pain.
They’ll therefore purposely do or say things to make you jealous, and then see if they get a reaction. If they’re trying to see if you’ve changed – if you’ve mellowed out, this will also be a common test.
See, trying to make you jealous can come in different forms. From subtle stories that are posted on social media, hinting that you’re out with someone else. To outright telling you they’re dating someone else, are on a date, or – in some cases – are in a relationship.
2) They Push You
Another common testing technique is to push you – to say things they know will get a reaction, and to see how far they can push until you blow up.
So maybe you made a mistake, they won’t let it go, and they keep digging and digging, to see how much you will take.
Or perhaps they’re self-sabotaging. They want you to want them, but they’re scared of you walking away again. The thing is, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy as the more they push, the more likely you are to leave.
They could also push you by the things they do. This is heightened with all the emotion after a breakup. So excessive partying, constant questioning, making past problems bigger than they need to be.
You don’t know where you stand, you don’t know how you feel…
3) They Ignore You
What are the other signs your ex is testing you? Well, they could also ignore you.
This in itself is a major test, as they’re waiting to see what you do, how you act, if you’ll leave things, or if you care enough to reach out.
They want to know if you miss them, if you can’t live without them, and so they leave “the ball in your court” or so to speak.
They could also ignore you when you reach out to them – again, to see how much you can take and if you’ll stay calm or kick off about it or keep trying.
Maybe they’re hurt, and they want you to know it will take more work.
Either way, ignoring you can definitely be a sign of testing you. Either that or they just don’t care enough to respond – but that’s why you need to be aware of the situation and where the two of you are most likely to be at.
4) They Ask You Questions
Questions are also commonly used if your ex is testing you. Especially if they’re trying to understand how you feel.
I mean, it’s a no brainer right? Questions are therefore a far faster way to the answers, providing – of course – that you are being honest.
So maybe they’ll subtly drop questions in there, maybe they’ll be more direct. But if you notice they’re not just going with the casual “How are you? How are things?” and are delving in further – the chances are, there’s an ulterior motive.
After all, you’re no longer together. Your life shouldn’t really be of their concern. So this raises the question of, what do they want?
5) They Make Assumptions
Another sign your ex is testing you, is if they make assumptions or purposely jump to conclusions to see how you respond. So instead of asking the question, they’ll make the claim and see if you deny or acknowledge it.
This is usually done in a jokey way so that they can brush it off if they don’t get the response they want. So for example:
- “Ah, dating already then are you?”
- “Haha. It’s all those dates you’re going on! It’s tiring you out!”
- “Wow, sounds like life couldn’t get better then. It didn’t take you long to move on, did it?”
Sounds familiar? Uh huh, assumptions are an old classic when it comes to the signs your ex is testing you!
6) They See If You’re There For Them
What else do we have? Well, here’s another major sign your ex is testing you. Let’s say they’re struggling. They’re sad. They’re finding it difficult to move on. If they share this, it’s like a cry out, a plead.
It will become a test as they’ll then see how you respond:
- Will you offer to come over? Or give them a call even? Be there for them to text?
- Are you there for them? Do you care? And how do you show that care?
- Do you express how you feel? Does this encourage you to open up too?
- Does it change anything? You see…
7) They Lay Their Cards On The Line
A surprising sign your ex is testing you now then, is if they open up. They’re honest with you, straight to the point. There’s no games this time.
So maybe a few months go by, they miss you, they want you back – and so they just tell you. They essentially give you the opportunity to reconnect, and see if you take it.
On the flip side, maybe it’s been some months, they still miss you, but they need to have changed – so they tell you all of this, and see – not only if you feel the same way – but if you’re prepared to step up.
In this case, you’ll need not just words, but also actions. However you have that opportunity, there’s no messing around.
If your ex is testing you just out of curiosity, or because they want to get back at you, they’re less likely to be so straight-to-the-point and open. This only really works when honesty is involved.
8) They Casually Check In
Another sign your ex is testing you (more out of curiosity or to mess with your head) is if they drop you a short, out of the blue message… just to pop up again.
This is different to them actually making conversation and asking questions. They may simply say “hey” or “how are you?” They throw the line out – with not much there – and see:
- If you respond.
- How you respond.
They also want to stay on your radar, to throw a spanner into the works. The thing is, there’s not much effort on their side, which is why you’re usually very much unsure what to make of it.
Think about it – if they wanted to try again, wouldn’t they do a bit better than that? Which is why it’s one of the key signs your ex is testing you, but not in the best way. So often, it’s probably better to ignore them!
Remember, you deserve more than a poxy hey! You’re not a stranger. You were once a partner. And if they want to be back in your life, they’ll have to up their game!
9) They Ask You What You Think
Another common tactic your ex may be using to test your response, is asking what you think. This is often done hypothetically.
So if you’re talking about your relationship and where things went wrong, they may say things like, “do you think it would have worked out if…” or “what if…?”
They don’t put themselves out there. They don’t say what they want or think. In fact, they’re not very direct with what they’re getting at, at all. Instead, they put it on you, they want to know how you feel.
This is because they’re trying to better gage the situation and – in most cases – whether they still stand a shot, or think the two of you can work this out.
10) They Go Hot & Cold
Last but not least, another of the signs your ex is testing you, is if they go hot and cold, or give you mixed signals.
So for example, they could go from saying they still love you and miss you, to saying, that they still want to be with you – and you should probably stop speaking… only you don’t.
One minute they make you think they still love you and it’s almost like nothing has changed at all. The next it’s like they have 0 interest. It can make you feel confused and insecure.
Why do they do this? Well, partly because they may be confused about how they feel, or reading your reactions wrong too. It also goes back to them pushing you. And again, they want to see how you react. Will it bring you closer? Or does it push you away?
If it pushes you away, that’s probably when they’re likely to try to suck you back in again. After all, they don’t actually want to lose you. But it all becomes like a bit of a game.
Is Your Ex Testing You?
So there we have it – the key signs your ex is testing you, and why they might want to test you in the first place! What’s the verdict? Is your ex testing you, do you think?
See, this isn’t necessarily the most important question. What matters more is:
- How you feel.
- What you want.
- How you will respond.
Just make sure that you stay true to you, whilst still sticking with what you know you want and need. Feeling confused? Unsure? Speak to me – your specialist Breakup Coach.
Together, we’ll work it all out.