HOLD UP, HOLD UP, do you want to scare the poor guy off?! Slow down my friends. Here’s 10 signs you’re coming on too strong when dating. Each sign on its own holds less power, but when a few of these bad boys are pulled together, the accumulated effect is only going to push the guy away. And hey – I know you’re doing this because you like the person. Maybe they’re the first person who’s excited you for a while, the first person you actually see a genuine connection with. You don’t want to lose that, I get it. But let things progress naturally, don’t force anything.
10 Signs You’re Coming On Too Strong Too Soon
Here’s 10 signs you’re coming on too strong. Spot them now so that you can slow things down and still give the two of you a good chance!
1) You’re Always Texting Back Straight Away
I mean, it’s not like you read his message secretly (on preview!) the moment it comes through or you’re checking your phone every damn hour to see if he’s replied or anything… Joking. Honestly… I think. Ha! But in all seriousness, you are FAR too responsive. And this isn’t about playing games, but things should be pretty equal right? So if he takes a few hours to reply to your last message, then you’re straight on a reply within half an hour, every goddam time, it’s going to be a little like, “Umm, does she have a life?!”
And that’s the whole point… You need to still keep your own life, even if you do think this person is frickin’ wonderful. If they’re that great, they won’t be going anywhere. And you don’t need to overthink it. You don’t need to purposely delay replying every time. You simply need to take a step back and focus on other things so that texting him doesn’t become a priority in the early stages (when actually, they’re just a potential.)
2) You’re Overwhelming Them With Messages
I know you thought we were done with this text talk, but what’s worse than replying too much, too soon, is OVERWHELMING the guy with messages. It’s like when you think of something cute or funny, and pop it over, even if they haven’t replied to your last message just yet. You might think nothing of it. I mean, that dog meme is going to go down a treat! Right? And maybe they will love it. Maybe it will make them laugh. But you’re moving things into the comfortable relationship territory before you’re even there.
When you’re in a relationship, you can double, triple, quadruple, gee, even quintuple or sextuple times… and it doesn’t matter. But things are different when you’re dating. Especially in the early stages. And it doesn’t matter how fast things have felt like they’ve moved and how comfortable you feel around this person already, you have to remember where things are at. Yes it’s cute you’ve found something and thought of them, but save it away for later and tie it into a conversation then – instead of bringing it up in that exact moment and coming on too strong and too secure.
3) You’re Getting Carried Away With Future Plans
Another fatal mistake and one of the key signs you’re coming on too strong, is when you make plans for the future. This is lethal not only for you – because you then build up all this hope and expectations – but it also puts pressure on the other person.
You’re talking like the two of you are together. And sure, maybe it’s just a few date ideas – only the kind of dates that COUPLES do (because really, you can’t wait to be at that point!) And I know you’re not necessarily at the stage where you’re scaring them off with marriage and kids talk (well done!) – so perhaps you don’t see the harm – but the fact of the matter is, you’re still getting ahead of yourself.
Take each date as it comes. You might THINK about what you’d like to do, but you don’t need to SAY it. If it then reaches that stage, great. If it doesn’t, well, there’s still going to be someone else you can do all those things with, so it’s no loss really.
4) You’re Trying To Put a Label On It Too Soon
You want to secure the guy, make things official, or at the very least make things more exclusive. And I’m all for open conversations. It’s good to check in to see where the two of you are at when dating, but you can’t have the serious chats too soon and you certainly can’t push things along too quickly. This my friends, is going to make him RUN FOR THE HILLS! It’s one of the major signs you’re coming on too strong too soon, for sure.
Another point to make is that it takes time to properly get to know someone. Real time. Click here to see how much time if you’re interested. But during that time – you need to properly qualify the person. You need to see if they’re actually right for you. If you move things along too fast, you’re not going to have chance to do that. And okay, let’s say you have a good feeling about them – what’s the harm in making things more exclusive for the time being? Well nothing, but it will happen naturally that way if it does.
Tell the guy how you feel, tell him if you’re into him and not actually personally dating anyone else, don’t play games. But at the same time, don’t push for a label. Let it come from him and see if it comes from him. Test his actions in a way. See what he does. One thing you should never do is chase men. Click here to read why and what to do instead. Trust me on this one. If he wants to move things along he will, when he’s ready, and if he doesn’t, you know the two of you just aren’t on the same page.
5) You’re Not Giving Him Space
New relationships need time to breath. They have to breath in order to flourish and grow. Otherwise you just end up smothering them. So one of the biggest signs you’re coming on too soon is when you can’t respect this.
When you don’t give a guy space, you’re running the risk of overwhelming him. The two of you need a break between your dates, you shouldn’t be texting or speaking on the phone all the time. You should also actually keep dating other people initially. Click here to see why. It gives you the distance to actually see how you feel about one another and if the two of you really are the most suitable match.
As part of not giving him space you might be:
- Clinging onto him in social situations (literally!)
- Trying to see him every day, or too much over the course of the week.
- Turning up at his unannounced (apparently that happens?!)
- Trying to influence his life and the things he does (like going out drinking less!)
- Being immediately readily available to see him whenever he’s free, and encouraging this.
And I know it can be hard. It’s easy to get swept away and too focused on one person, but if you don’t want to come on too strong and end up pushing him away, you can’t make him such a big thing in your life so soon. Not just for the sake of the relationship, but for you too.
If you can’t give him space and are too INTENSE with everything, you’re going to come on clingy and needy. And if you’re wondering why on earth you’re doing this, I want you to read this to learn more about your attachment style as it’s likely that’s playing a part. But don’t let it take over, okay? You are a strong, beautiful, confident woman. Stand on your own two feet and just see how this goes…
6) You’re Oversensitive
Aside from being too full-on, another one of the signs you’re coming on too strong is when you’re excessively oversensitive. He doesn’t text you back for a WHOLE DAY and you’re noticeably different in your first replies – a little bit colder, a little off. Or he seems distant with you so you panic and ask him if “something’s changed” – in fact, a whole wave of questioning quickly comes because you start to feel insecure. Something small may happen and upset you too, but instead of brushing it off or processing it yourself, you tell him. You talk to him.
And this kind of open conversation can be good – but not so fast or too soon. You’re putting your ‘issues’ or emotions on him, and it’s not right. It’s not his responsibility. It’s for you to work through. So when you discuss it with him, sure, you may not see the harm. But it is going into relationship territory again and it’s too much too soon.
You’re not an item yet. Some of the things you may be getting affected by, you don’t really have a right to influence just yet. And I know if you’re naturally a sensitive person, you’re going to feel these things regardless – me just writing this and telling you, won’t make a difference. But you don’t need to act on it, okay? Talk it through with a friend or coach, work through your feelings yourself, instead of putting them on a new relationship too early, before he has a chance to actually get to know you properly, for the wonderful person that you are.
7) You’re Constantly Questioning Him
I mentioned it very briefly above but I think it deserves a place in it’s own right. Questioning a guy before things are actually serious is not only one way to push him away, but it’s also a surefire sign you’re coming on too strong. First off, the questions are coming out because you CARE, I get that. And maybe you don’t want to care this much, this fast. You get it. You know it may not necessarily be reasonable. But you want to understand the situation, you want to know how he feels.
The thing is, at an early stage, he may not fully know EXACTLY how he feels and that’s actually normal. So if you’re firing him with questions left right and centre, 24/7 it’s going to make him wonder why you’re SO into him. And actually, all this detective work, isn’t going to come across as cool or attractive.
You may be questioning him about his feelings, his whereabouts, his situation with others, what he’s up to – ALL THE TIME, just so you actually know if he’s doing “anything wrong.” It’s too much. Chill out a bit girl. If you find yourself questioning him and really caring, take a step back from the relationship a little bit, home in on yourself and / or get to know other people again so that you’re not so in on the relationship and – going back to what I said above – you can give it chance to breath.
8) You’re Bringing Family & Friends Into It
There’s going to be a stage where he ‘meets the parents’, this usually comes after a mixed social event with friends, but if you’re rushing this along or telling him how you’ve spoken to your parents about him (after like what, one or two dates?!) you’re going to come across farrrrrr too strong (yikes!) Another mistake to make is RUSHING things along to this stage. Even if you’re casual about it.
The two of you have separate lives. You’re getting to know each other. Bringing in other people (and having other people’s opinions added into the mix) is going to only add more intensity and potential pressure, so it’s not something that should be rushed – hence why it HAS to make it into the list of signs you’re coming on too strong, too soon.
Moving things forward with the introduction of friends and family is a big step, so don’t run there before you can walk. Relationships aren’t a race remember.
9) You’re Talking About The Relationship Too Much
The constant complements, the excessive ‘inside jokes’, analysing where you’re at, talking about the things you like, raising issues on the things you’re maybe a little concerned about… it’s getting pretty heavy. And I know you like where things are at (bar the few worries / fears), you are optimistic about where things are going. But rattling onto him about it all the time is just going to come on way too strong.
It’s like you’re trying to CONVINCE him of how amazing the two of you are, or show him how much you think of him. But you’re coming across as obsessed with him and are giving away exactly how much you think about the two of you. Don’t let it consume your mind so much. Don’t bring out the crazy in you!
Instead, keep it light, keep it fun, and only go into the relationship talk every couple of weeks or so – just to see where things are at. Remember, he needs to be an OPTION at this stage, not your EVERYTHING. So don’t fall into the trap of getting ahead of yourself again. Deal? This is for your own good, I promise!
10) You’re Making Things Sexual
Last but not least, I thought I’d throw one of the different signs you’re coming on too strong into the mix. Now, in most cases, guys have a pretty high sex drive. One of the biggest worries you might find in dating is that actually, they’re only after one thing! Men also love the chase. And again, we’re not game playing here, but if you want to be alluring – not only should you give yourself over too soon, but you shouldn’t make the relationship sexual straight away.
If you’re constantly giving innuendos or dirty talking (please don’t tell me you’re sending nudes, please, please, please!) but first off, it’s going to change the way he see’s you or what he see’s you for. There will be less respect there. But secondly, you’re going to come off as too strong, almost desperate in a way and – I hate to say it – a little bit easy.
And hold up, I’m BIG on women being equal when it comes to sex. If a girl wants to sleep with someone, have a one-night stand just because she’s sexually frustrated – go for it girl. There’s no judging. Just like it’s not usually that badly thought of if a guy does it. It’s not about the act as such. It’s about the conversation and where the conversation always seems to go.
Have self-respect, know your worth, know that you’re worth more than that, because it will make a difference in how the guy sees you and, by the way, you don’t need to speak like that or do things that you don’t feel comfortable with, just to try to “win him over.” Major red flag and it actually means that it probably WON’T go anywhere, okay? So keep it fun, keep it flirty, but don’t feel like it needs to go sexual. Keep your allure.
Are You Worried You’re Coming On Too Strong?
There’s 10 signs you’re coming on too strong, too soon. If you’re worried your behaviour is pushing someone away, then take a step back. Put yourself in their shoes… If you didn’t know a person and were still in the early stages of getting to know them, how would you feel? Have you ever been in a situation where someone came on too strong too soon, what did they do, and how did it make you feel?
And by the way, none of this makes you crazy. It makes you human. Maybe you do have a few things to work on – confidence for starters, self-worth for sure. But protect your heart. Don’t give it away so easily. Take things slow. Because that’s what’s going to protect you and also ensure that you know you’re doing the right thing and progressing into a relationship with the right person.
I hope this helps. For personal advice to any predicaments you may find yourself in, head on over to the Ask Ell section. Also be sure to subscribe to this blog below and I’ll drop you an email every couple of weeks with the latest posts.
Oh, and remember – dating should be FUN. It shouldn’t be this scary, stressful situation! So take a deep breath, take a step back, and allow yourself to enjoy it.
Where to go from here? Click the links below:
- “Meet Your Match” : The Guidebook For Online Dating Success
- How To Know If He’s Into You
- Why It’s Okay If This Doesn’t Work Out
All the best!