Girl, Stop Beating Yourself Up

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Girl, stop beating yourself up. You messed up. You text your ex, you chased that guy, you blew up out of insecurity, you pushed someone away, you put your trust in the wrong person or kept tolerating the bad behaviour. It sucks. I know. You probably feel sad, frustrated, disappointed… at what’s happened, and at yourself. You think that “if only I’d done this…” or “if only I’d been more like that…” things would be different. But you don’t really know that. Things have a habit of panning out the way they’re supposed to, even if at the time you don’t get why they had to happen.

And we all make mistakes, mis-judge situations or people, act out of impulse, do things we shouldn’t. Sometimes we still do things, even when we know we shouldn’t do it – but we’re just clutching at straws, we don’t want to quite let go. We know what we’re about to do is probably pretty damaging, but we can’t help doing it anyway. And then that makes you feel EVEN WORSE, because you’re like, “why am I so stupid?” But you’re not. You’re just human. And no matter how many articles you read, you’re not always going to follow the advice or remember it when you need it.

There’s still going to be times when you go back on what you say, what you commit to or what you believe in. Why? Because it’s HARD being strong all the time. Right now, you probably don’t fully know your worth. You act before thinking, act based on the feelings you’re craving. You’re most likely stuck in bad habits, and habits take time to break, alongside time for new ones to form. You’ve also probably got some work to do on your mindset. So you’re not instantly going to be where you want to be or always act in ways that are true to the person you want to be.

Which is why, my friends, you have to stop beating yourself up.

Beating Yourself Up Is Doing Far More Damage Than Good…

You may think you deserve it. You may think the only way to ‘learn your lesson’ and never allow this to happen again is to feel really lousy about it. But it’s not. The more you beat yourself up, the worse you’re going to make yourself feel and the harder it will be to escape the cycle.

All this negative self-talk, it’s only feeding your misery and building up this victim mentality where you feel like you’re just so unlucky in love… No. You’re a lot better than that and you need to see it.

You want to be happy, right? And I KNOW how damn exhausting it is, taking hit after hit and still trying to hold yourself up. But you are a fighter. Whether you feel like one right now or not. I know you’re one, because if you wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here reading this. You wouldn’t have clicked on this page, let alone got down this far on the article.

You’re going to mess up at times, you’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to have things happen which are – putting it bluntly – just SH*T. Like I speak about in here, feel the pain, but then choose to fight back.

And as part of fighting back… you have to kick the ass of that lousy inner critic that keeps knocking you down!

What’s Actually Happened Here?…

Let’s look at the situation that you’re in and really evaluate it. Whatever’s happened, whatever you’re frustrated at yourself about, I want you to ask yourself…

  1. How did I get here?
  2. How did my actions contributed to me feeling the way I do right now?
  3. Have I hurt anyone in the process, or is it just myself?
  4. Is there anything anyone else has done to contribute towards this outcome?

    (And please note, this isn’t about passing blame. We’re going to accept responsibility – ultimately for the way we feel. But what I don’t want is – for example – if you find yourself in a situation where you’re hurt because of the way someone else has treated you, I don’t want you to put it all on you. I want you to see that perhaps this person is just a pretty lousy person, or this person didn’t have bad intentions but doesn’t want the same things as you. I want you to look at things from an outsiders point of view and see that this probably isn’t all on you. So really dig deep with this question.)

  5. Why did this have to happen? What is it teaching me?
  6. I’m going to ask that one again, just incase you’ve put a disempowering belief above there… So if you don’t see any good in this situation right now, what could it teach you? What good could come out of this?
  7. Is there anything I can do to avoid this happening again?

    (And by the way, if someone has hurt you, because you let them in and you fell for their act, the solution is then not putting your trust in anyone again! The way to avoid it – or at least reduce the chance of you being hurt so badly again – would be to take things slower, to stay more level headed, to trust your instincts, to not ignore the warning signs. You see? There’s a difference. So try to apply this outlook to whatever situation you’re in.)
  8. What am I going to take away from this? How am I going to use this moving forward?

If You Want To Stop Beating Yourself Up About This, You Can

Work through the questions above, properly. Ask more of your own. Reflect, evaluate. Decide that you’re not going to wallow on this now. Instead, you’re going to take positive, proactive action to better tackle the way you feel. If you really do the exercise above, and do it properly, I promise you – you’ll notice a difference in the way you feel already. And, if you want, you can go one step further, writing out an action plan for what you’re going to do next. I write about that here actually, it’s well worth a read.

“But what if I’ve already made this mistake before? And now I’ve done it again?”

If it’s something that’s only hurting you, you keep making this mistake because you still don’t think you are fully worthy of love and happiness. You don’t have that full self-respect, that full appreciation for just how wonderful you are and what you should really strive for in your life. That’s why you do things that are damaging – keep chasing the wrong people, falling for the f*ck boys, tolerating crappy behaviour, acting in toxic ways yourself because fundamentally – the relationship is just not right.

But don’t give up. The fact that you’re starting to recognise the pattern, recognise that this isn’t the first time – it’s a good thing. And you’ll get there, I promise you. Things won’t always be like this. You’ll reach a point where you just say… not anymore. And then the change will happen. If you don’t want to wait for this moment, start now by taking the first steps to building your self-worth. Here, this article will help you with that.

There’s always something you can do, something you can work towards, something you can learn about that’s going to support you and push you in the right direction. This is why striving for ongoing self-improvement is so important, and really making it a part of your life.

If you’re not happy, there is ALWAYS something you can do about it – no matter how big or small. You are never stuck in the same place, I promise you. And as soon as you realise that, you’ve found your personal power.

It takes time to correct the harmful habits that you have in your life, particularly when you’ve had them for a long time. It’s even harder for you to correct the deep-rooted ones like self-criticism, which is why you find it so hard to stop beating yourself up when things go wrong now. And even when you recognise all of this, it will still take a hell of a lot of work, effort and commitment. So be patient with yourself, and kind too.

Like I said, you’ve got something about you. We know this because of the very fact you’re here. So it’s all about shifting your mindset, addressing your demons and taking small, consistent steps forward to better look after your emotional wellbeing and become the emotionally stable person you know you can be.

So What Do We Do From Here?

Well first up, head on back up to that exercise with the questions that I wrote a little earlier. Work through that. Ask more of your own, specific to the current situation you find yourself in, and let’s try to change the way we see it so that you stop beating yourself up. Here, pop some de-stressing music on at the same time if you think it might help. If you change your state, you will make it easier to change your mind.

Then from there, it’s about working on your inner critic (I’ll be writing up a post on that for you in the next week now, so be sure to subscribe below if you want to be notified when it’s ready.) It’s also worth exploring self-worth further and just generally learning how to build yourself back up. So aside from this…

My Recommended Reads Right Now:

So hopefully that gives you some things to get stuck into, and shifts your focus away from what’s happened, to where you want to go from here. Which is the most important thing. You’re not alone in this okay? I’m here for you, every step of the way. I genuinely care about you, and I’ve been in your shoes (still find myself in them at times too – it’s a constant journey for self-improvement, right?) But you’ll get through this and come out of it both happier and stronger, trust me.

Good luck, and go show the world what you’re made of!

Lots of love,

Stop Beating Yourself Up
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Ella Stearn
Ell is a Breakup, Dating & Relationship Specialist & Coach, with over 3 million annual readers, globally. As the Creator of Forgetting Fairytales, her mission is to help you learn to love yourself, find the right person to give your love to, then make it a love that truly lasts.