What makes you connect with someone, particularly when dating? What’s the difference between finding someone attractive, engaging, intriguing even, but actually taking that to the next level to have formed that connection with them?
In this post, we’re going to explore exactly that. But first – let’s backtrack a little, starting first with the different types of human connection, and why it’s important to differentiate and understand.
The Different Types of Human Connection
So when it comes to the different types of human connection, different people will probably define it in different ways. Relating specifically to dating and relationship however, I think the best way to categorise it is:
1) The Body
The first type of human connection is through the body. This is a physical attraction, based purely on appearance. You find them pretty or handsome, like their figure or body. Essentially – you desire them. You want them.
It also expands further than that however. For example, you might like the sound of their voice, the way they move their body, and even the way they smell. Ultimately, it’s still a physical connection, the starting base.
This creates physical contact – touching, hugging, kissing, cuddling and sex. It’s not always purely sexual, but there is certainly an element of that.
See, when you’re connected to someone physically, there is the attraction and chemistry – but remember, chemistry is still different from connection.
You can connect with someone on a physical level, but if that’s all there is to it (particularly if you’re looking for something more serious), the interest will start to fade, and you may actually find that the attraction does too.
This is because it takes more than just a physical connection to build a long-lasting romantic relationship.
2) The Mind
Next, we have the mind. This is where you connect with another person mentally. You have shared interests, similar intellect, communicate in a similar way. I guess you could say, you’re “on the same wave length.” You just click. You “get them.”
And hey – if you thought there was chemistry with a physical, wait until you have that physical AND mental connection… because boy is that something else!
See, when you connect with someone mentally, it creates the strong foundation for a friendship. However, you do still need the physical connection (even if this comes in time) in order for it to build into something more romantic.
Likewise, a lack of mental connection creates a lack of understanding, a stark difference in personality, how you see the world, how you think and how you feel about certain things. So both are important elements that need to be combined together when looking at what makes you connect with someone as a whole.
3) The Heart
Digging a little deeper now, we then have the heart. You know when you meet someone, and you do initially click? The physical attraction is there, intellectually they are on your level – but there’s still that little something missing? A reason they no longer – or perhaps never have – fully excited you? Yet that reason is seemingly unclear…
You might start to wonder what’s wrong with you, because they “haven’t done anything wrong” either – so you’re unsure why you’re feeling that disconnect.
Well, we’ll look at reasons for disconnect very shortly, because there are other things that may come into it. But one before this, is because you haven’t connected with them on a deeper level, with your heart.
You struggle to get feelings for them, are far from falling in love. This could be due to a number of things – but ultimately, you’re just not quite connecting emotionally.
You’ve reached a deeper level than just pure attraction, you’ve connected mentally, but you can’t take it one step further… and you need that step further in order for things to progress.
It’s all about being able to truly open up, completely be yourself, share emotions, feel that sense of intimacy, really build on the bond that the two of you have and sometimes – unfortunately or not – it’s just not quite there. There’s a dis-alignment between the two of you.
4) The Spirit
Last but not least then, when it comes to what makes you connect with someone, there is the final element of SPIRIT. This can relate to spirituality but in most cases, we’re simply referring to aligning in terms of energy and purpose.
You could have a great relationship with a person – with the physical, mental and emotional connection – but if the two of you aren’t on the same page about where you want to grow together, what your purpose is as individuals and what kind of life you want to create with one another, it will still be difficult to make the bond last long-term.
You need to have that sense of togetherness, that care, that support and that stronger connection to take you forward, and keep you moving forward. And that’s often the part that people don’t consider, or sometimes forget.
The Influences On Human Connection
So what else comes into it? Well, there are actually some other influences that are worth taking into consideration when it comes to what makes you connect with someone.
Some things that may make a connection feel STRONGER (even if it’s not actually that deep in reality), or WEAKER – this is usually based on where you’re currently at mentally.
Let’s explore the two main factors in more detail…
1) DISCONNECTION
Disconnection prevents you from connecting, not just with a certain individual, but most people in general. Typically, you feel a disconnection when you’re not totally happy with who you are, how you feel in yourself, what you have been through, what that thinks that makes you, or (in some cases) what you have done. It’s a little like the saying…
“If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy with anyone else.”
…Only when you’re feeling disconnected, it stops you from building that bond in the first place. Maybe you’ve let people in before, the wrong people, and it’s only ended up in you getting hurt.
When it comes to dating and relationships, disconnection can come when you’re not fully healed from a past relationship, or not ready to get into a new one. It’s this fear of vulnerability or a refusal to let people in.
As a result of this, you feel like no-one really knows you – not the true you anyway. So as much as they try to build a connection, it’s (almost) impossible to do, until you decide to open up a little. To allow that connection to build. Because right now – you’re just closed off, have become hardened, numb, or sometimes simply disinterested.
2) FANTASY CONNECTION
On the flip side then, there’s fantasy connection. I wrote a lot about that in this blog post. You might like to click on through before continuing on with this article, as it will help you to spot the signs that you’re fantasising about a person – as opposed to genuinely having that deeper, more real connection.
Fantasy connection is when you CRAVE the connection, so you end up building it up in your head, even if it’s not fully there. It might cause you to jump from one relationship to the other, confusing the endorphins that are released in a new relationship with a real connection.
Fantasy connection can also come in the form of an addiction – whether that’s alcohol, drugs, sex, etc – because it’s all part of the escape. The escape from reality and the fact that you are still searching for something more.
Why You Settle For A Bad Connection
Connection is a basic human need. That’s why fantasy connection is so common – even if it’s not as commonly recognised. The thing is, it can get you stuck in toxic relationships.
- Let’s say you’ve become recently single. You’ve done the re-bounding, you’ve had some time to grieve properly, you’ve even spent a little time on your own perhaps (and realised it’s okay, but you don’t massively like it!)
- You then decide to start actively dating – looking for that connection.
- You meet someone, perhaps you do connect to some degree when it comes to your body, mind, heart and spirit… But it’s not totally there. So you FANTASISE.
- It’s not intentional. You’re most likely not even aware of it. But you do.
- You build this person up to be more than they are, you progress the relationship along too quickly, start to develop feelings (although you may not be aware than some of these feelings are actually based on the lies you told yourself or the person you build this person up to be.)
The problem with all of this? It then gets you stuck in either a bad relationship, or an unfulfilling one. The root of this? A bad connection.
Bad connections make you tolerate things you shouldn’t, feel ways that are less than desirable and gradually knock you down. The longer you’re stuck in a relationship with a bad connection, the more it takes its toll on you.
In fact, even after you disconnect with the person, the thoughts, feelings or emotions you regularly felt with them can still remain. This has a knock-on effect, creating a bad connection with yourself… which then comes in full circle creating the disconnection or back onto a fantasy connection in an attempt to make the feelings disappear.
What Makes You Connect With Someone?
So what makes you connect with someone? What creates that REAL connection? The one you’re searching for? Well, a combination of connecting with your body, your mind, your heart and your spirit. All of them. To some degree. With the same person. At the right time.
Now you may not align perfectly, 100% and completely – with the same intensity in every single area – but that’s okay. The main thing is that there is a level of connection in each category, and the strength of that level relates to the importance it holds for you, so that overall – the relationship is whole and fulfilling.
If you want to connect with someone, or know just how well you connect with someone, you therefore need the awareness of the different types of connection and to ensure you’re seeing things clearly – you’re not being driven by fantasy, or putting yourself off due to an overall disconnect.
It’s like if you’re disheartened – fed up of being ghosted, messed around, things not working out. With that attitude, even if the right person does come about, you’re going to make it far harder to connect with them.
Likewise on the flip-side, if you’re desperate to find someone, you’re not happy on your own, in your own company, you won’t always act or behave rationally and could end up sabotaging things with someone who could actually be a great fit for you.
You Can’t Determine Who You Will And Won’t Connect With
You can’t force things. Everyone is who they are. You can bring out the best in them, you can open their mind to things they perhaps didn’t think about before – but you can’t change them, you can’t shape them.
You simply have to accept them for who they are, and accept that – as awesome as a person may be – it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily the right person for you. There are many different elements involved in building a romantic connection that will last a lifetime. But HEY – that doesn’t mean it has to be all or nothing.
You’re dating to ultimately find love – right? You want to know what makes you connect with someone because that’s what you’re looking for. However, that’s not to say that if you connect with someone in a key area – but not all – they’re “no good.”
A friendship can still come from it. Some sort of relationship can still come from it. Perhaps not the relationship you were looking for. But the best thing you can do when you find people you connect with in some way, is hold onto them. Because at times, it can feel pretty rare. And it is very pure.
My Mum always said to me, “you can never have too many friends.” So don’t automatically push someone out or remove them from your life just if they don’t quite ‘stack up.’ It’s not that they’re better or worse than you, just a little different.
Embrace The Connections You Do Make, But Don’t Settle For A Connection That Is Less Than You Deserve
There is someone out there who you connect with in ALL areas, on a far deeper level than you could imagine. I know it can feel hard and deflating at times, but there is – it’s true.
And the connections that you make with others, will keep you going. Give you faith. Give you the comfort you need, whilst you continue your search for “the one.” So don’t lose hope. Also don’t fall into the trap of wasting time on the wrong people, or refusing to let go of the wrong ones. Because you don’t need to…
There are more than enough people in the world to find what you’re really looking for… multiple people in fact, I believe. I mean, think about it – BILLIONS of people on the planet… BILLIONS, my friends.
So keep swatting up. Keep expanding your mind. And stay positive! All of this work will pay off in the end, I promise you.
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Love,
Ell_xx
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