Cheating has got to be one of the worst forms of betrayal, that cuts hard and cuts deep. If you think your partner is cheating on you, it can drive you insane. You find yourself in full-blown detective mode 24-7 and it’s not a healthy place to be. If you find yourself in a situation that you don’t want to be in and the signs are all screaming out at you that something is wrong, then it’s time to get to the bottom of things. So, here’s what to do if you think your partner is cheating on you…
What To Do If You Think Your Partner Is Cheating On You
First up, I want to start by saying how sorry I am that you’re going through this. Infidelity is the worst, and I really hope you’ve got things wrong here.
If it does turn out you’re right, this post is going to help you to deal with it, and then eventually bounce back… because you will get through this, trust me. Whichever way this goes now, I promise you, you’ll come out happier and stronger.
Right now it’s just difficult to feel that way. You want answers right? So let’s see how we can get them, and find out the truth for sure.
STEP 1: Look At Why You Think Your Partner Is Cheating On You
Is it something someone said? Something you saw? Your partners behaviour that you’re reading into? Or maybe it could be that your insecurities are just trying to destroy what you have?
Either way, gather up all the signs and suggestions that are making you think that your partner is cheating on you. Write them all down so that you can clearly see what you have to work with here. We can then start to dissect them from there.
STEP 2: Break Down All Of These Reasons, One By One
The next step is to analyse each of these points in more detail. Cross out the things that you think probably aren’t valid or reasonable, or move them into a different list.
You want to be left with the ‘Causes For Concern’ and the things that are ‘Probably Unrelated.’ It helps to make things a little clearer then. How to do this? Well just think each thing through properly.
Example 1:
So for example, you might have written down that your partner is paying more attention to the way he / she looks – they’re working out more regularly, buying new clothes, spending more time getting ready. With this one, you’d break it down by asking yourself:
- Are they putting this effort in when we’re going out together too? Or are they still the same around me and it’s only when they go out with without me that the effort is there?
- Is there anything else that could have caused this sudden change? Perhaps he / she spoke about doing this for a while? Perhaps they’ve struggled with self-image for some time now and want to feel better about themselves, for themselves?
- Have you recognised the change and mentioned it with him / her and if so, what did they say was the reason for the change? Do you think it’s a plausible reason?
It doesn’t help to always assume the worst but at the same time, you can’t kid yourself, so you just have to try to see it logically, with no emotions attached.
PLEASE NOTE:
If you get to the bottom of this list and find that actually, a lot of these things can be justified, I want you to stop this process right here.
By the sounds of it, your relationship is generally in a pretty good place and your worries are mostly likely coming from you. So, instead of continuing through these steps, talk to your partner.
Raise the issues that you do have left and I’m very confident he / she will be able to reassure you, so that you can then continue to build on your relationship from there.
For the purpose of this blog post, I’m going to assume that there are actually quite a lot of valid causes for concern here however, so I’ll continue to run through the process of what to do if you think your partner is cheating on you… just incase you need it.
See If There Are Any Other Explanations:
The second part of this stage is to look at each area of suspicion that is still left and see if you can find any other valid reasons or explanations, besides being linked to cheating. We touched on this briefly above, but I want to explore it further.
Example 2:
So for example, let’s say you have a laptop at home – that the both of you share, but you don’t really use it. You try to log onto it one day and you find that suddenly it’s password protected.
When you ask why this is, your partner makes an excuse, but won’t let you go onto it before they have been on it first. You then notice they’ve logged out of their social media accounts and have cleared the search engine… it’s not looking good.
In this situation, it would be easy to assume your partner was speaking to someone they shouldn’t be or going behind your back in some way – especially if you have trust issues.
But think about it logically. Maybe they’re going through a difficult time and have been searching things that are embarrassing? Perhaps they’re planning something for you, that they want to keep a surprise?
Or maybe they have been doing something they feel guilty about (for example, it could be watching porn) but it’s not cheating so it’s really nothing to worry about. This leads me onto the next step…
STEP 3: Weigh Everything Up And Start To Link Things Together
Each sign on its own, as we’ve seen in step two’s example, could not actually mean anything. It’s when things all start coming together that you can start to see a clearer picture of what’s going on.
For example, maybe you’ve been going through a difficult time, have been arguing a lot, your partners been going out more, become unreachable at times, he / she won’t ever give you any explanations when this happens, they seem disinterested in sex and there seem to be situations that just don’t add up… Then okay, you’re likely to think your partner is cheating.
If there’s a mix of signs that indicate different things, it starts to become a little more confusing, but try to link things together to see what could be happening here.
It’s good to also speak to friends about it – get a different perspective from an outsiders point of view. If someone knows both you and your partner, this is ideal, as they can stay more level headed and reasonable.
You can also do a little digging with others – just to see if the stories align. It’s actually usually not that difficult to find out certain types of information. So if you need to do this, do it. There’s no shame in that.
It’s going to give you peace of mind, if anything – then from there, you can work on building that trust with your partner if you do decide to stay together, so that you don’t ever have to do things like this again.
STEP 4: Don’t Confront Your Partner Straight Away
Communication is important. If you’re unsure about something, don’t be afraid to talk about it. But don’t go in all guns firing, accusing your partner of cheating, until you have more to go off.
It might be a good idea to start writing a diary – making a note of the things that don’t quite add up, or the points you want to raise for explanations.
If you think your partner is likely to lie to try to wriggle out of things – let them set themselves up for a fall. So for example, maybe they usually go to football training on a Thursday evening and one week they’re gone far longer.
You speak to your friend who’s partner is also in the team, and you find out that your partner wasn’t at football training at all. When they come home, instead of firing off at them, you simply ask how it was and why they’re home later. They lie and say it was good and he went for a drink with the lads at the pub after.
Why This Matters…
By not shooting off about it straight away, you haven’t given them the opportunity to come up with a different excuse. Instead, you’ve been able to identify the lie.
This is the kind of thing that adds more strength to your argument and suspicions when you do address them.
The reason you’re going about it this way? Because you want answers. By gathering as many facts as you can before you go into things, it means you’re more likely to end up with the truth.
You want to know for sure if your partner is cheating on you, because it will give you the closure you need if it turns out to be true and you have to leave.
You’re also actually giving your partner the opportunity to prove you wrong (which we all hope for.) For this reason, during this time in limbo, you should still try to make the best of it.
Don’t let your emotions phase your judgement or decisions, but at the same time, don’t give up just yet until you know the full extent of the situation.
You’re not setting a trap. You’re hoping things will work, otherwise you would have just left anyway. So you might as well keep trying from your side to continue being the best partner that you can be.
HOLD UP ONE MOMENT: Consider If It’s Really Worth It
Let’s be honest, you shouldn’t have to be doing this right now. This is not how a healthy relationship should be. It might be happening because of some fundamental issues you have surrounding trust and relationships. It may be because your ex isn’t truly compatible for you. Or, you might be great people but are just not a great mix together. Whether your partner is or isn’t cheating on you, now is a good time to consider where you’re really at and if it is even worth going through all of this to try to get the answers.
STEP 5: Okay, Now You’re Ready To Talk To Them
At the end of it all, you are going to have to have the conversation with your partner if you think that he / she might be cheating on you. There’s never going to be a ‘right’ moment, so the only right moment is when you have everything you need and have formed your little case.
You need to face the music (whether you want to or not!) so don’t put it off too long. I know I said about waiting in the last point, but this is only a short-term thing. Never sit on your suspicions for too long because it will drive you insane.
When you do have the conversation, don’t just spring it on your partner – pre-warn them that you want to have a proper chat about something and then agree a time.
Have the conversation somewhere you both feel comfortable and don’t go into it full of rage. Stay calm. We want to find out the truth at all of this and you’re not going to do this if you get their back up straight away.
Run through everything calmly and try to get to the bottom of things.
What To Do If You’re Still Not Sure If Your Partner Is Cheating On You
If you’ve had the conversations, you’ve found no concrete evidence and all you’re left with are these suspicions, then you’re kind of in a difficult position. You’re in limbo, not knowing if it is or isn’t true. In this situation, you have to weigh up your relationship as a whole.
- Is this the first time this has happened?
- Are these trust issues coming from you, or because of the relationship?
- Other than this, is your partner really what you’re looking for?
- Are there more pros or cons to the relationship? And do the pros outweigh the cons significantly?
- Could there be any reasonable explanations for the red flags that you’re seeing?
- What do you really want to do from here? Truly?
If you find there are far more positive answers, outweighing the negatives or doubts, I personally think it’s probably better to stay in the relationship for now and try to work through this.
Explain to your partner how you feel, agree to ‘put it to bed now’ even though you’re unsure – you’re not going to carry it on and you’re going to take his/ her word for it as the truth.
Then What?
You should then do things to build on what you have – get closer again as a couple, re-build that trust, feel happier together again.
Why I’m saying this? Because unless you have the certainty that your partner betrayed you, and you love him/ her & don’t really want it to end – even if you broke it off, you’d find it difficult to accept and let go.
I truly believe that the truth often comes out in the end. Or if someone’s messed up once, if they’re a sh*tty person and haven’t really learnt from it, they’ll only end up doing it again anyway – and then you’re also likely to find out.
So for now, if you’re unsure but have no concrete evidence and do want to believe what your partner is saying, then it’s okay to give them the ‘benefit of the doubt’ or so to speak.
It’s worth another shot. Just don’t hold onto it if you are going to do this, and trust that the right thing will happen at the end of it all.
What To Do If Your Partner Has Cheated On You
If your suspicions were right and you find out your partner has cheated on you, it’s down to you what happens next. It is true that people can make mistakes.
It’s also true that a mistake is no longer a mistake if it keeps happening again and again, then it’s simply a choice. I don’t believe things are black and white, and I do think it’s possible – in some situations – to work through infidelity, but there are a lot of factors that fall into that.
If you have been cheated on, click on over to this post for how to deal with being cheated on. This also covers what classes as cheating (if you’re unsure in this area), plus the process of getting over it, so that it doesn’t affect your future relationships…
Because in most cases, the best thing to do after you’ve been cheated on is to walk away, however it does have a habit of staying with you, so it’s important you process it properly.
I hope this post has helped to give you a little more clarity as to what to do next. Be sure to subscribe at the bottom of the page for more relationship guidance and support.
Take care and remember: people treat you as badly as you let them treat you. The key word there is let. Don’t tolerate less than you deserve. You’re worth far more than that.
Love,
Ell_xx
Recommended Reads:
- How To Deal With Being Cheated On
- Change The Negative Ways You Look At Love
- How To Learn To Trust Again Before You Get Into Anything New
