So, you met a guy (maybe on a dating app), you’ve started dating, you think it’s going well, but you can’t help noticing that he’s still on dating apps – quite frequently it seems.
Maybe it’s a constant changing location – which indicate he’s logging into the app pretty often. Or perhaps he keeps changing his photo, tweaking his bio, adding new things. Whatever it is, you’ve noticed it, and it’s getting to you.
So in this post, we’re going to look at why he’s still on dating apps if you’re dating, and what to think / do about it.
Why He’s Still On Dating Apps If You’re Dating
What are some of the possible reasons why he’s still on dating apps if you’re dating?
1) Out Of Habit
Checking dating apps can become like a habit.
Just like when you’re stuck in the habit of picking up your phone and checking for messages, or scrolling through social media even. It can be pretty mindless.
So just because he’s still on dating apps, if there’s been no “work” done on his profile, I definitely wouldn’t read into it too much.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s speaking to other people, and especially not with any intention.
If he’s updating his profile – adding new photos, changing the text, that means he’s still putting effort into it. Taking action. And therefore it’s not just an old habit.
But even if this is the case – you still don’t necessarily know why at this stage. I mean, it’s not ideal. But there could be more too it. This leads me onto my next point…
2) He’s Unsure Of The Situation
Dating can be so confusing nowadays. What’s the “norm”? What’s to be expected? What is the other person doing? And what should you do right now?
He could therefore still be on dating apps because he’s unsure – not necessarily of you, but what the situation is between the two of you, how you feel, where you’re at.
Perhaps it’s too early days to tell right now, who knows. But just because he’s on dating apps, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or isn’t still worth pursuing.
You have to have confidence, back yourself, not even think or worry about anyone else – and instead, just enjoy your time getting to know him better and seeing what’s there, seeing where it progresses.
3) He Doesn’t Think Anything Of It
To him, he could just be casually scrolling, doing the occasional swipe, sending the odd message back. I guess in a way he is looking, but not really.
He might not think it’s a big deal, might not think anything of it and certainly wouldn’t think that you’d be thinking about it… Men hey, totally oblivious sometimes aren’t they?!
If you had the conversation with him, he’d probably happily delete them – or if you told him it bothered you even, the same thing.
You could very well be still his priority. The relationship just hasn’t been taken to the next level yet where he knows that you’re at the point when you’re both ready to become totally exclusive and want to talk about it.
4) He Doesn’t Know What He Wants
Moving onto the less ideal potential reasons… He could also still be using dating apps, because – as great as you are – he doesn’t quite know what he wants.
Maybe he hasn’t been single that long, maybe he isn’t ready to settle down or maybe he’s speaking to others to see if there is any interest there or if he’s 100% into you.
See, you might notice him using dating apps and presume the worst, but it could actually just be reconfirming how much you do mean to him and it will only be a matter of time before he deletes them.
Not this may be frustrating for you. In your mind, you may be like…
He shouldn’t need to talk to anyone else. He should already know it’s only me he wants.
But not all love stories are written perfectly and – depending on what stage you’re at – you don’t have to let this ruin yours.
You can’t control how people will act, or what they will think / feel about you.
All you can do is be the best version of yourself and if they’re right for you – they’ll know what a catch you are and come running back, then stay.
With all of this said however, it’s important to know your boundaries, be open about what you’re looking for and properly qualify the people you’re dating – to avoid potentially painful situations like these. (So be sure to follow our dating app tips to better protect yourself from this!)
5) He’s Just Not Into You
Of course, we’ve got to raise the possibility that he’s still on dating apps because he just doesn’t feel as strongly for you as you do for him.
He’s not as committed, not as interested or invested and is ultimately going to prove to be a bit of a waste of time.
And I know, it hurts. This is the reason we’re all dreading right? It’s often the one we automatically assume when we notice he’s still on dating apps too.
But we do need to know if this is the case and be able to confidently narrow it out for sure.
The only thing with this one is you can’t judge it too early. If you’re coming to the conclusion that he’s still on dating apps because he’s not into you when it’s only been a matter of days, weeks or dates – you just can’t shout that.
It’s too soon. Too soon to say, too soon to tell and too soon to try to boot him off them! This leads me onto our next section of contemplation…
Does It Matter If He’s Still On Dating Apps?
Well, it depends on a few things…
- How long you’ve been dating.
- What his intention is with them.
- What it is you both want.
- Whether this has been discussed / communicated.
Let’s break each one down very briefly.
#1 How Long You’ve Been Dating
It’s actually a good thing to date multiple people in the early days – especially if you’ve not been single very long. You should do this. He should do this. Everyone should do this.
Everyone needs that time of dating, meeting different people, seeing who they click with, who they don’t, what’s important to them, what’s not.
Now you’ll reach a point where you’ve been single long enough to know all of these things. This is the ideal place to be – both yourself, and the person you’re dating.
You want to date someone who knows what they want and has been single long enough to know this for sure.
But even at that point – if you’ve not been dating for very long, there’s a chance that you will both be “keeping your options open” for the reasons above.
It protects you, it protects them, but there will soon come a point where you trust each other enough to know that you want to give this a proper shot and only get to know each other, at which point the apps will go.
#2 What His Intention Is
If you’ve not been dating long enough for it to have moved to app-removal, yet you’ve invested enough time into each other to take it a little personal that he’s still on dating apps, then you have to ask yourself – how big of a deal is this?
If he’s not using apps to try to find someone better, if he’s just using them with very little care or intention – like we said above – then you may see it as less of a deal.
Either way, it’s good to find out what a guys intentions are by asking some of these key questions about dating – and you can actually do this pretty early on to avoid upset later down the line!
#3 What It Is You Both Want
What you’re currently looking for, plays its part here. If you’ve been single a while, and are at a stage in your life where you don’t want to waste time, you want to settle down – then you’re going to be more conscious of what the person you’re dating is doing.
You also want to make sure he’s looking for the same things and is on the same page. That’s why these qualifying questions come in handy. If he says he wants to make a go of this, to properly see where it’s going… And yet is still on dating apps, then his behaviour and words don’t match up.
If, however, you’ve both not long been single, you’re both looking to enjoy your life and just go with the flow – then whether or not you’re both on dating apps probably won’t matter so much.
You might find that it’s bothering you (and you’re not even entirely sure why!) This could be down to insecurity, abandonment issues, or your attachment style. So it’s important to know where you’re at, where you want the person you date to be at, and pull this into it all to better determine how important it is to you.
#4 Whether It’s Been Discussed
Now I HAVE to raise the point that if it hasn’t been discussed, you can’t really be too hard on him and you certainly can’t make presumptions.
Yes, we all wish men were mind-readers. Yes, in some situations, it shouldn’t be rocket science. You want him to take control, to get you, to get that he shouldn’t still be on them. But this isn’t always the case!
So before you jump to conclusions, before you start speculating, you have to weigh up whether you’ve ever directly asked him about it or whether the topic as a whole has been broached.
What To Do If He’s Still On Dating Apps
So the first thing to say is if he’s still on dating apps and it’s really bothering you, simply talk to him about it. If the two of you are to stand a chance, communication is key. So don’t bottle things up.
If he reacts badly, gets defensive or it negatively impacts your relationship in any way, then girl – he wasn’t the one and he’s just showing his true colours now.
What If It’s Not Been Long?
If you haven’t been dating for very long and he’s still on dating apps, then maybe sit on it for a little while before asking him about it.
Not because you’re afraid of what he’ll think or say, how he’ll react, but because if it’s not been long – he does actually still have a valid reason for having them.
Yes, it’s not ideal. Yes, we’d all love to meet a guy who was just 100% in from Day 1, crazy about us, and disinterested in anyone else. But…
- Things aren’t always that simple. Everyone’s got baggage. Guys have fears and worries too. They also think about how they’re coming across. Like we said above, he may not have any intentions with them, he may not even be speaking to anyone, and he may be worried about getting too attached to you too.
- He could actually feel this way. He could actually be totally on you and just going on the dating apps out of habit. So it’s not always worth reading too much into. It may not be as big of a deal as you think.
By waiting, you’re not “playing it cool”, you’re just waiting for a more appropriate time to raise the matter. You’re being fair and reasonable. In this time, he may actually broach the topic with you or decide to delete it, you never know. In the meantime…
How Can You Ask Why He’s On Dating Apps
When the time is right and you do want to have the conversation about it, you may be unsure how to ask without coming across as a total stalker. But may I just point out…
You’re not actually a stalker. You probably noticed it once, then curiosity took over. That’s not stalker-behaviour. It’s human nature. Especially when there’s feelings involve. You care about him. You care about whether the two of you are heading. And, you’re probably a little scared of getting hurt. So don’t feel embarrassed about it.
How can you go about bringing it up, how do you word it? Well, it’s definitely preferable to do this when you’re in person, perhaps cosied up on the sofa.
It should also be light and casual, you don’t need to go into the specifics. The last thing you want to do is come across as crazy, accusing or too intense. A softer approach is always better.
So just try saying something like…
- So, are you still using [Dating App Name]? Because, there’s no pressure or anything – but I just wondered where we’re at, where you’re at, and what your thoughts are?
You could also approach it as something that’s coming from you. So for instance:
- So I was thinking about deleting [Dating App Name.] I don’t actively use it anymore, I’m enjoying getting to know you. I just wondered where your head was at with all of that, or if you’d rather “keep your options open”, kinda thing? [Say it with a smile, always say it with a smile. Don’t try to influence his response or come across as confrontational.]
Try Not To Obsess Over It
In the meantime, if you’re not in a position to ask about it just yet, try not to obsess over it. You shouldn’t be constantly checking it, or allowing yourself to feel hurt or disappointed when you do see that he’s been online.
You’re obsessing it’s because you’re scared. Scared of getting hurt. You’ve also probably caught feelings and – providing you’re not fantasising, you’re actually seeing him for who he is and genuinely connecting with him – then this is okay.
I know it feels crappy right now, you feel overwhelmed, out of control – but you’re heightening these feelings. You’re making it seem more than it is and worse than it is. So, here, I want you to read a couple of articles…
- How To Stop Obsessing Over Someone
- What To Do If You’ve Caught Feelings & Feel Scared
- Why It’s Okay If It Doesn’t Work Out With This Guy
Once you’ve regained a better sense of perspective, take a step back. Decide you aren’t going to scrutinise over it anymore.
It Will Work Out If It’s Meant To Work Out
Trust me – if he’s the one, you’ll soon find out. You’ll know. And if he’s not, then that’s okay too.
In the meantime, delete your own apps if you need to, or just get your head around it, so that it doesn’t eat away at you or take away from what you have.
Hope this helps. Take care. And for more support or guidance, check out my coaching. I’ve got your back. We’ll figure these things out.