What To Do If Your Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex

Is it okay if your boyfriend still talks to his ex? Is it normal? Or something to worry about? And what can you do or say? What if your boyfriend won’t stop talking to his ex – then what? 

Well my friends, in this post – we’re going to answer all of that and more. So let’s break it down. Here’s what to do if your boyfriend still talks to his ex.

Is It Okay If Your Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex?

First up, let’s look at this: is it okay if your boyfriend still talks to his ex? 

Well, it depends really, on a few things. So let me ask you some questions…

Should He Still Be Speaking To His Ex?

1. Why does he speak to his ex? Do they have children together? Is there a need? Or does he say they’re just friends?
2. How long were they together? What’s the history there? And how did it end? Why did it end, even?
3. Does he tell you he speaks to his ex? Is he open and honest about it? Or did he hide it? Has he been speaking to his ex behind your back?
4. Do you know what they’re speaking about? Have you ever seen the messages? Did he show you? Or did you snoop / have to ask?
5. Is it creating tension in the relationship? How is he with you when she is brought up, and vice versa? How do you typically respond?
6. If he says they’re just friends – have you ever met her before? Has he introduced you? Made an effort to make you feel reassured and secure?
7. How do you feel about it? And have you spoke to him about how you feel about it?

See, whether it’s “right” or “wrong” entirely depends on what the situation is and, how you feel. If you’re unsure what to think, then let’s dig a little further.

What To Think If Your Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex

So as we’ve established, there’s a lot of factors that come into why your boyfriend may still be talking to his ex. There’s also a lot of variables that will influence how you think / feel.

See for some – this may not be a big deal. It may also be completely harmless and nothing to worry about at all. A few examples of this:

• If the relationship with his ex wasn’t serious. Yes, technically speaking, she’s an ex. But they weren’t together a long time, it was also a long time ago. And they’ve been friends for longer since. 
• Likewise, if your boyfriend still talks to his ex, but he’s introduced you, she’s within the friendship group, they all hang out together and you can see there’s nothing there – this too, should cause no cause for concern. 
• Another situation that often crops up, is when a boyfriend still talks to his ex if they had a child together. Now this, I know, can feel confronting. In your mind “they have a child together, that’s a big deal!” And it is. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything between them, and if they’re only speaking about, and because of, that shared child, it doesn’t have to get in the way of your relationship. 

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Talks To His Ex

See the biggest challenge you’ll probably be battling if your boyfriend still talks to his ex (but it’s totally harmless) is your own fears and insecurities. So I want you to:

1. Take a step back. Look from an outsiders perspective – is there really anything to worry about here?
2. Look at why it bothers you. What are you scared of? How does this make you feel? What’s the worst that can happen here and how likely is it to actually happen?
3. Talk to him about it. You are perfectly entitled to feel uncomfortable. That’s not the problem. But it doesn’t have to become a problem. But communication is everything. As a partner, he should listen to you, he should do what he can to make it easier for you (if he absolutely needs her in his life that is) and you can use this to actually strengthen the two of you – build on that trust. Because that’s another thing.

Do you trust him? Is there anything he’s done that indicates you shouldn’t trust him? You should be a little suspicious? And how does this reflect on the state of your relationship as a whole? Because let’s look at the other side now…

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex

The kind of situations where you’re likely to feel uncomfortable (and rightly so) with regards to your boyfriend still talking to his ex, include:

• If they were speaking behind your back. It’s been dishonest, suspicious even.
• If you know that inappropriate messages have been sent (either from his side, her side, or both.)
• If he’s secretive. He gets defensive. He acts like he’s hiding something.
• If the breakup was fairly recent. Or, there’s a lot of history there and potential feelings.
• If he’s just suddenly started speaking to an ex again. They’re not friends, there’s no reason or need. And – in some cases – added onto this, you’re going through your own relationship issues at the same time.

These are just a few examples, but do you see the difference? These reasons are justified, there’s a level of dishonesty there.

You’re also likely to feel like it’s difficult to discuss or bring up with your boyfriend. Which is not how a healthy relationship should be.

What To Do If You Want Your Boyfriend To Stop Speaking To His Ex

If you want your boyfriend to stop speaking to his ex, you need to:

1. Understand how you feel. Before you approach him, you need to get clear on how you feel, where it’s coming from and how you want to get this across.
2. Make sure you’re not being led by your insecurities. If you are, work on these, see if you can work through them, and only then approach him when you’ve tried things from your side.
3. Talk to him about it. The next step is to simply talk – have an open conversation about it. Don’t go into it accusing him, or being confrontational. That will only get his back up and get the two of you, nowhere. Instead, stay calm. Be reasonable. And just talk it through.

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking To His Ex

If you’ve followed the above process and you’re finding that your boyfriend won’t stop talking to his ex, it’s going to make you feel a little torn.

Maybe he says he doesn’t want to, he shouldn’t have to or he shifts it onto you, making you out to be unreasonable. Or maybe he simply refuses to talk about it at all. You argue. Or get the silent treatment.

Whatever it is, I want you to:

1. Think about it again. Not to change your mind, but to re-confirm that you do still feel the way you feel, even after listening – and taking on board – what he’s said, and his side of the argument.
2. Talk to others about it. If you’re starting to doubt yourself, get a second opinion – from friends, family, or myself, as a dating and relationship coach.
3. Stand by what you feel. If you still then know that he shouldn’t be speaking to his ex, it’s wrong in some way and you want him to stop, don’t cave or compromise on this. Express it again. Make it clear. These are your relationship standards and you will not be in a relationship without the trust or mutual respect. You’re not giving unnecessary demands, but you do expect to be treated the way that he too, would want to be treated. And to you, this isn’t right.

If after all of that, your boyfriend still won’t stop talking to his ex, then you have a tough decision to make, I know. But think about what you would do in his shoes and how much he means to you.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, everyone deserves to be loved equally in return. If he’s not willing to cut an ex out of his life, for a future with you, then girl, he doesn’t deserve you.

Should You Give Him an Ultimatum?

So let’s say your boyfriend still talks to his ex, and – despite having conversations about it – nothing changes.

He doesn’t try to make you feel better about it, you don’t seem to get anywhere and he won’t stop talking to her. Should you then give him an ultimatum?

Well, no, not exactly. You shouldn’t have to, you shouldn’t want to and it needs to come from him. But you do need to make it clear that this is a problem for you, you won’t just sweep it under the carpet and you need to work through it.

See what he has to say, see what he suggests, see if he cares enough about you and will fight for you. This should naturally lead to a compromise or a change. And if it doesn’t, evaluate your relationship as a whole and determine if perhaps you’re simply better to walk away.

Deep down, you’ll know the answer. You’ll know if this is led by jealousy / insecurity from your side, or if it’s really just the final straw for the two of you. Either way, be brave. Know your value. 

That’s All For This One

So there we have it. What to think / do if your boyfriend still talks to his ex, and – whatsmore – what to do if your boyfriend won’t stop talking to his ex.

Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. But a few recommended reads that I think will really help from here:

• Signs Your Boyfriend Isn’t Over His Ex
• Can You Actually Be Friends With an Ex? 
• How To Deal With Relationship Anxiety

Take care!

Love,
Ell_xx