If you don’t like feeling vulnerable in a relationship, and find it hard to commit as a result of it, then unfortunately you’re not alone. It’s like you don’t want to show signs of weakness. You don’t want to let someone completely in, for fear of them using that against you. No-one wants to let their guard down and end up getting hurt. It’s human nature. But we can’t let vulnerability stop us from having the level of love and connection that we all deserve. So let’s explore it a little further…
Just Because You Love Someone, Doesn’t Mean You’re Vulnerable
By definition, vulnerability is the‘quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.’
Now I underline the word possibility because that’s all it is. A chance. Yet really, life is all about taking chances! If you don’t like feeling vulnerable in a relationship, that chance is too much of a risk for you. You think your feelings are on the line. You think they might not be returned. Or maybe you think you’ll fall harder and then that person will leave you. And yes these things COULD happen. Anything could happen. There’s no guarantees with anything in life.
But does that mean that every time you walk across the street you feel vulnerable? After all, you could get hit by a car. (Physical Pain) Does that mean that every time you visit your Grandma you feel vulnerable? She could tell you that she’s got just days left to live and that’s bound to throw your whole world upside down. (Emotional Pain) Or hey – what about every time you have a shower. Do you feel vulnerable then? I mean, you could slip and fall. There’s a possibility of anything happening. (Physical & Emotional Pain – it would be pretty humiliating, especially if you had to end up shouting for help!)
And I’m not trying to mock you here. Honestly I’m not. I just want you to see that, your mindset determines the level of threat. You can be afraid of anything. You could play out countless situations that would result in something you don’t want. But whether or not you feel vulnerable in any given situation, depends on the level of threat you put on it, or your level of awareness around it. It’s determined by you and your mind.
You’re More Likely to Feel Vulnerable in a Relationship If You’ve Been Hurt Before
It goes without saying right? Once you’ve been burnt, you’ll always be afraid of the fire. The thing is, your past isn’t your future. Nor is it your present – unless you choose to keep re-living the things that happened to you. So if you struggle with feeling vulnerable in a relationship, I think the first place to start is addressing your past relationships, gaining true closure and truly putting those chapters behind you.
You need a fresh start. But you won’t get it until you accept what’s happened, you accept any pain that you may have previously felt (and actually allow yourself to feel it if it’s something that you’ve tried to block out)… and then decide to move forward, without it tainting your views.
Not everyone’s the same you know. And if you feel like they are, then maybe you need to:
- Look at the kind of people you’re going for and if they’re just fundamentally wrong for you. After all, there could be a chance you’re attracting people who don’t really care, because deep down, you’re afraid of a more meaningful connection. Or you might not even think you’re worthy of more. Love is very complex!
- Look at yourself. The way that you behave. The mistakes that you’ve made. And how you can learn from them. If you’ve done things that have sabotaged the relationship in the past and ultimately caused some pain, then don’t beat yourself up about it. Just look at how you’ll avoid doing this moving forward. We’re all on a journey of self-discovery and we can learn a lot from the relationships we’ve had… but only if we choose to.
When you do then move forward, do so with a fresh, clean slate. Give everyone a chance. Don’t judge new people based on other people’s previous actions. Nor should you assume that just because something has happened before (or even multiple times before), it means it will happen again. Because you don’t know that. And sure, there will be a risk.
When you get into a new relationship, or even first start exploring the prospect of letting someone in – you’re taking a chance on them. You don’t know if it will necessarily work out. But don’t put pressure on it. Take your time to get to know someone, let things develop naturally, take things as they come and enjoy the process. Enjoy getting to know this person. Enjoy learning more about them. And let the relationship teach you more about you too.
Then, when you are ready to let them in a little further. Know that it’s necessary and it doesn’t have to be as daunting as you think.
Feeling Vulnerable In a Relationship Really Is A Good Thing…
Yep, you heard me. Vulnerability in a relationship is what builds the connection. It gives you that bond. It’s what moves things forward from the friendship that should already be within the foundations, turning it into a trusting relationship where things can truly progress. Because it takes trust to open up to someone. But once you’ve put your trust issues aside, and believed in another person enough to want to connect with them further – that’s when your relationship can begin to grow and evolve.
It’s good to know you can depend on another human being – that they will love and accept you for who you are. That they will be there for you no matter what. That’s what relationships are all about. And it actually feels so good when you’re able to do this and receive that love fully. It shows you that you’re worthy. That you can let your authentic self shine and it will be appreciated. It will also encourage your partner to do the same too, which will work wonders for your relationship.
After all, the more you then open up to someone, the closer you will become. And actually, the more you do this and the more that person still stands by you, the less scary vulnerability feels in a relationship.
If You Don’t Address Your Issues With Feeling Vulnerable in a Relationship It Will Only Hurt You…
You think you’re saving yourself pain, but you’re not. You’re likely to have more self-doubt. You’re likely to question your worth because you feel like people don’t actually know the real you, nor would they accept it. (Although you’d be surprised!) You’re also going to go for ‘safer’ relationships that require less commitment or emotional attachment. But this isn’t fulfilling. This isn’t what will create life-long happiness. Trust me.
Be selective with who you choose to let into your life. Don’t rush things like I said before, but take that chance if you think there could potentially be something there. Don’t be afraid of your feelings, because disengagement also kills relationships… You therefore have to let people in, in order to give it a proper chance of working in the first place. And I know it’s hard, but you can do it.
Don’t try to play it safe or put a distance between yourself and others. You should strive for the very best of everything that you can have, in all areas of your life… which includes relationships. By avoiding feeling vulnerable in a relationship, you are only missing out on all the juices that a real wholesome relationship can give.
So Allow Yourself To Let Go Of Control…
Feel the fear of being hurt, rejected or abandoned, but let the right people in anyway. Let yourself feel a little vulnerable in a relationship, and I promise you, you will absolutely reap the rewards. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you can then look back with no regrets, knowing that it’s not you. You did everything you could and was 100% yourself. Which is all you can ever ask.
See, the right person – they won’t just appreciate it, they will love you for it. For everything that makes you, you. Don’t deny yourself of finding that special person. Start opening up a bit more, giving things a chance. Baby steps of course, but in the end, it will be worth it. And you may well just find you end up with the best relationship you’ve ever had in your life.
- How To Let Go Of Trust Issues
- How To Learn From Your Past Relationship
- Understanding Your Limiting Beliefs Around Love