Struggling to feel secure in your relationship? Letting your fears, doubts and worries take over? Even if they’re unjustified? Then now’s the time to do something about it. Here’s how to feel secure in a relationship, no matter what’s happened in the past.
What Does It Mean To Feel Secure in a Relationship?
Before we look at how to feel secure in a relationship, let’s take a step back to determine what that actually means. So first off, by definition, secure means:
“Free from danger or risk. Confident. Free from worry or doubt.”
Why Don’t You Feel Secure in Your Relationship?
What I want you to do now then, is a little activity. Grab a pen and paper or open a new tab on notes and write down.
- What do I see as the “risks” or “dangers” in this relationship?
- What am I worried about happening?
- Where do any doubts lie?
Write it down, work through your answers then ask yourself:
- How likely are these things to happen?
- What “proof” or “evidence” backs this up?
- If this is the case, would you / do you really want to be with this person?
- What goes against it? What evidence is there to suggest it wouldn’t happen?
- Would each of these things be as bad as I think? Am I building them up in my head?
- How often do I think about these things? To what degree is it taking over?
- What worse things could happen in life, which I don’t even think about?
- Is worrying about it going to change the outcome if it inevitably happens anyway?
- Are my worries / fears negatively affecting the way I feel and act in my relationship?
- Could I be unintentionally actually making what I don’t want to happen, more likely to happen, through my behaviour now?
Take the time to do this, because the better you understand how you feel and where it’s coming from, the easier it is to work through.
Signs You Don’t Feel Secure in a Relationship
Let’s look a little further and very briefly explore the signs you don’t feel secure in a relationship. What does it look like? How do you know if this is an issue?
Well, you’ll find that you seek reassurance often (if not constantly!) You’ll be clingy, ask a lot of questions, get over-sensitive, demand attention, need affection – those sort of things.
You may also become obsessive to a degree – texting your partner excessively, checking in all the time and panicking if you don’t hear back.
Maybe you start acting a little paranoid – checking their “status” on social media to see when they were last online and keeping tabs on them.
See the truth is, you’re just scared. And you think, “if my partner does this”, or “if my partner says this”, then I don’t have to worry.
The thing is, even when you get that “thing”, there will always be another “thing” which is why if you want to feel secure in a relationship – 90% of the work is internal… it comes from you.
How To Feel Secure in a Relationship
So what do you do? How do you feel secure in a relationship? What will help to put your mind at ease?
1) Work on Your Confidence
This is a big thing. Let me ask you a question, if you felt more confident in yourself, do you think you’d have as many worries or doubts?
If you knew who you are, were completely happy with how you looked, knew your worth, knew what you brought to a relationship – wouldn’t it seem more mind-boggling to be afraid?
I mean, combine this with – of course – knowing your partner, being with the right person, someone who’s values align with your own, wouldn’t it start to be unnecessary to not feel happy and secure?
A lack of confidence can be the root of so many problems, in both life and your relationships. So if you want to know how to feel secure in a relationship – start with this.
Rate your confidence level on a scale of 1-10 right now, then set yourself a goal for what you want it to be in a months time.
Read up on it, do activities, set yourself secret tasks and really get committed to increasing your confidence in yourself so that you in turn, have more confidence in your relationship.
2) Beat Your Demons
Now the chances are, if you don’t feel secure in a relationship, it’s stemmed from somewhere. Confidence certainly comes into it, but so often, past experiences do too.
Why don’t you feel secure in a relationship? Have you been hurt before? Has someone left when you didn’t expect it? Do you feel like you now have to try to protect yourself or prevent it from happening again?
Find the influences, find what’s coming into it – by talking to a specialist coach or therapist if you need and challenge your beliefs, challenge the things that are telling you to “be afraid” because you’re “not secure.”
Every person, every new relationship – it should be a blank canvas, a clean slate. So don’t taint that by your past. Here, have a go at this for a starting point:
It will take work, it will take time and it will take commitment, but if you want to feel secure in a relationship, getting rid of the past influences that are making it harder to do, is an essential task.
3) Don’t Demand Too Much
Now if you did have negative past experiences where you didn’t feel secure – whether that was in past relationships or even further back, within childhood – you’re likely to crave security even more now.
When you find it, when you get into a happy relationship and you feel that love and security you’ve been longing, you try to cling onto it. You try to grab it more and more.
This however, means that you can end up putting unrealistic expectations or demands on your partner. It can be draining for them – and like a constant task to keep you happy.
For this reason, you have to become aware of your behaviour, you have to try to put yourself in your partners shoes.
- Are you being fair?
- Are you being reasonable?
- Could you be demanding too much here?
- Are all of our demands even necessary?
The best thing you can do if you want to feel secure in a relationship is put less pressure on your partner to make you feel that way, and take more responsibility themselves.
They shouldn’t have to text you every single moment, or tell you every single plan and their constant whereabouts. They also shouldn’t have to always say the right things and constantly fill you with love, to make you feel loved (and therefore secure.)
It’s not right, it’s not fair and if you’re not careful, it will ruin your relationship.
So stop putting the blame on your partner for what they have or have not done, and instead first learn on fulfilling your own needs, by the strength that I know you have in your mind.
Then you can better assess if your partner is meeting the FAIR and reasonable expectations that you have to meet your relationship needs.
Put The Power In Your Hands
If you want to feel secure in a relationship, don’t put the pressure on your partner to make you feel secure. It’s not their responsibility and it’s not a fair demand.
The things that they do, it should make it EASIER to feel secure. We’re not saying that they can’t (or shouldn’t) do anything at all.
But ultimately – feeling secure has to come from you. It’s something that you feel inside.
See, feeling secure is about knowing who you are, knowing who you’re with and trusting the other person, trusting that it’s right. It’s about allowing yourself to fully relax and enjoy the relationship.
How To Feel Secure In a Relationship
So what else can you do to feel secure in a relationship?
4) Do Things That Make You Feel Good
In the moments where you don’t feel secure in your relationship – the worries are starting to set in – take a step back. Stop focusing on the relationship so much, stop being so “in” on whatever situation you’re panicking that you’re in, and instead – give yourself a positive distraction.
Get your nails done, go on a nice brisk walk, get yourself to the gym. Those endorphins will do the world of good! But you just need a breaker – a reset button. Then, when you do go back to whatever you was thinking about, you should be able to think more clearly.
- Is there a chance that you could have been working yourself up a little too much?
- Is there a different way that you could deal with this situation? A calmer way?
- Were you thinking clearly or rationally?
- How could you choose to see this situation or respond to it?
Find your “feel good” thing, make it a positive habit and then use that to regain your sense of perspective when you need to.
5) Write a Remember List
We use Remember Lists, typically when it comes to breakups. But you can also use them in relationships too.
In fact, let’s work on this one right now, as we speak. There’s no better time than now right? It’s time to take action if you really want to change the way you feel!
So again, grab a pen and a piece of paper, or open a new tab on notes.
On here, write down all the things you LOVE about your relationship, all the things your partner does to make you feel loved, and why actually – you really should feel secure in your relationship.
Highlight the things that are especially important, that hold the most strength. And fill it with as many reasons as you can. This is your “pitch” to yourself to believe it so pack it in.
Once done – stick it on your wall or fold it up and put it in your purse and pocket. Then, whenever you’re feeling that worry or doubt seep in, get it out, read it and remind yourself – this doubt, it’s just in your head.
The Remember List should bring you back to the present and remind you of the things that are really important, to shift the way you see things and to focus on what actually matters.
6) Shift Your Focus
Now we can’t always do what we want to do, when we want to. So let’s say you’re at work when you’re having a “wobbly” moment. It’s taking over your mind and you can’t just get away to reset.
However, in this situation, what you CAN do, is stand up, shift your state, give yourself a little talking to, then get back to your work and DECIDE to get fully focused on that – at least for the next 30 minutes or an hour or the rest of the day.
Don’t let your relationship take over your life or affect the things that also matter.
The great thing is, if you can do this, you also get an added sense of accomplishment, alongside the breather that helps to make you think more clearly.
So if you struggle to feel secure in your relationship and are finding it’s affecting not just the relationship itself but day to day life, it’s all about finding different ways of dealing with it, which will gradually build up to enable you to better tackle it as a whole.
7) Talk To Your Partner
If you want to feel secure in a relationship, and it’s something you’re struggling with, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about it. Let them in.
Now this is different to demanding. Instead, you’re simply making them aware of how you feel and why you’re finding it hard. They’re then there to support you, they’ll be able to better understand you, and you can then tackle it together.
This is what healthy, happy relationships are all about. You’re a team. And by trusting them enough to talk to them about how YOU feel, and where it’s coming from – it will bring you closer.
You’re no longer putting it on them, or trying to take, take, take. You’re saying, “Look, this is me, I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it.”
On that note, don’t be afraid to ask the tough relationship questions. These are the ones you may be afraid of, but if you can get it all out in the open, it will only make you close.
Remember, if your partner cares, they’ll naturally do the things that makes it easier for you to feel secure in the relationship anyway – but it will come from the right place then, not just through obligation.
SIMPLE CHALLENGE: To help you feel secure in your relationship, get into the habit of focusing less on the worries and more on the positives. Create a new routine of telling each other one thing you love about the other person, or one thing you’re thankful for when it comes to being in a relationship with them – every morning, or every night before bed. Just a small thing like this can really help to settle your mind, not to mention bring you closer!
8) Redefine Your Expectations
When you do speak to your partner about how to feel secure in your relationship, get everything off your chest, get their opinions, discuss it altogether, but also establish new, healthy boundaries or expectations.
- What can they do to make you feel secure in this relationship?
- What can you also work on yourself, to feel more secure?
- How will you respond to triggering situations? How would they want you to respond?
- What are fair and unfair expectations?
- What are they happy to do if it helps, and what should they not really have to do at all?
- How are the two of you going to move forward with this?
If you discuss all of this together and map it all out, you then have a plan of action, you’re also tackling it head on but are still on the same page. This is key.
How To Feel Secure In Your Relationship
Ultimately, if you want to feel secure in your relationship, you have to work on how you feel about yourself and have confidence in the person that you’re with. You can also work on it together, as a team – not putting unrealistic expectations on your partner, but opening up to them so that they understand it.
Don’t be afraid to talk about it. This is the person you love, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. They love you, they care about you and they will want you to feel secure.
Yes, maybe right now it’s not ideal that you have these doubts and worries (even if they’re not necessarily justified) that seem to take over. But it’s nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.
Own it. Don’t blame them. Own that maybe you’re not perfect. But you’re willing to work on the things you need to strengthen your relationship and overall, become a better partner. And that’s the most important thing.
Remember, you’re not broken, you’re just a “work in progress”, like everyone is in life. So hold that head up high, do the things that you need to do, tackle this with your partner as a team and feel proud of yourself.
I really hope this helps. Any questions, please don’t hesitate to give me a shout.