Heartbreak hurts like hell, and when things break down – it’s easy to clutch onto the hope that maybe things can be rekindled. In fact, that’s the natural first stage of grief: denial. It’s a defence mechanism to try to help us numb the intensity of the situation. But if you want to move forward and get to a happier place again, you have to accept your relationship is over.
And I know, you don’t want to believe it’s real. But you’re only prolonging the pain by pretending this isn’t happening, or trying to search for a way around it. And this isn’t helping. It’s only making it hurt more.
I mean, think about it… You broke up for a reason. Whether you agree with that reason or not, it’s happened. So even if you were to get straight back together now, it wouldn’t change things or make things better. Not long term anyway.
For this reason, the best thing you can do, is accept that – right now – the two of you aren’t together. In time, things will become easier. Everything will also become a lot clearer… And if you can’t see why this had to happen right now, don’t worry, you soon will.
You may well find that you could still have a future. It entirely depends on the two of you, and the situation. But that’s irrelevant for the time being. Instead, right now – you just need to gain that acceptance. That’s all. That’s got to be the primary focus. Agreed? Agreed.
How To Accept Your Relationship Is Over
So when it comes to how to accept your relationship is over, I want to make it nice and simple, breaking it down into five key steps. Think of this as your “tick list” if you like. Just make sure you’re committed to doing each and every step, remembering that this is what will make you feel whole again.
1) Allow Yourself To Grieve & Feel The Pain
So first up I want you to give yourself a little time to feel your emotions and mourn the loss.
In fact, we’re probably going to come back to this multiple times in the grieving process, because healing is not a simple, linear process. So when you need to cry, cry. Get it out.
Don’t hold things in or feel like you have to put on a front. You invested so much time, love and energy into the relationship… and for what? This huge sense of loss? It sucks, I get it.
But this is actually a key part of accepting that your relationship is over and allowing yourself to heal. You have to feel the pain to know it’s real. And only then can you truly start to process it and progress.
If you’re struggling to process your thoughts, try journalling or video recording. Speak to a friend, a family member, a therapist or a coach.
You may also like to try clearing your mind through yoga, meditation or mindfulness. Play around with different things. Experiment. See what works for you. And make time for it – block out times in your day after a breakup where you’re going to do the things that will help.
See, many of us THINK we are feeling our emotions, but actually we’re not. And that stops you from addressing and accepting it. Because instead, you’re just covering over the truth or pushing it out your mind.
For the complete process on how to properly feel your emotions and all the grief and pain that comes with the breakup – click here. Have a read. I know it sounds pretty frightful, but actually – it’s quite freeing.
2) Recognise That This Has Happened For A Reason
Next up, when it comes to accepting your relationship is over – you have to know why it happened. Or at the very least, be able to see the reason behind it – to better understand it.
Sometimes this isn’t always easy. But actually, no matter what, you can always move forward by knowing the fact that – these things do all happen for a reason. Not because of ‘fate’ or anything like that. Fate could or could not exist… who knows.
But what I do know, is that everything we go through, all of our experiences – shape us into who we are today, and who we will become.
It’s actually the hardest of times that create the highest levels of growth and for this reason, even the toughest of situations can be turned into a positive.
The breakup might not have been what you wanted, which is why you’re now struggling to accept your relationship is over now. But trust me, there will have been fundamental problems that made it happen, that led the two of you down this path.
Identifying Why You Broke Up
If you’re struggling to recognise why you broke up, which is therefore making it more difficult to accept your relationship is over, then click here.
At the top of that post, you’ll see a series of questions that dig deeper into your relationship and where it was actually at.
Grab a notepad and some paper, write “Breakup” in the middle of the page, then jot down notes to questions. It will really help you to see why you broke up, and why actually, it’s a good thing.
3) Put Things Into Perspective
Look at the relationship that you had, and ask yourself, was it everything that you really wanted? Truly? Was it how love should be? Was it how a healthy relationship should be? How your “dream” relationship would be?
If you’re finding it difficult to remove those rose-tainted glasses, I want you to hop on over to this article for how to learn from your past relationship. There’s a really useful relationship inventory in there. This allows you to dig deeper and see things more clearly – see things how they really were.
There’s also this article on how to remove your ex from the pedestal you put him on – to again, allow yourself to see clearly, see that he wasn’t this perfect person, nor is he actually perfect for you.
Because that’s the thing – when you’re in love, you don’t always think clearly. Love taints your vision. You can find yourself making excuse for your partner, covering over their / your bad behaviour or trying to justify it.
You don’t often stop to think – is this actually working? Or if you do, you kid yourself into thinking that it still CAN work because really, you’re afraid of facing the truth and having to leave.
It’s hard to start over after a breakup initially. And often that’s the last thing you want to do – you love this person of course.
But love isn’t always enough.
If the two of you aren’t really compatible and the relationship isn’t quite right, things ending now, was actually probably the best thing. Why? Because it was probably inevitable anyway.
The right relationships will always work out…
This has happened for a reason, and if it wasn’t meant to happen – it wouldn’t. Maybe this is for a learning experience, maybe you will rekindle… or again, maybe not. But you won’t know for sure until you accept that right now it’s over.
Remember: you can’t force things that aren’t working. And eventually one of your was always going to break. This is the breaking point now.
And I know this is difficult to hear. I feel you, I really do. But once you start to put things into perspective, see things for how they were and reaching the point where you know deep down it was right, then you’re better able to accept it’s over.
If you’re struggling to do this because you keep going over the ‘what ifs’ and mistakes you made in the relationship, I want you to read this post. In fact, click here and work through it with me now.
You can’t accept that your relationship is over, until you forgive yourself where you might have gone wrong and stop tormenting yourself about how different things could have been.
Could, would, should. Who cares? The situation is now what it is, and you can’t do anything about it except keep pushing onwards and upwards. Okay?
4) Cut Contact, On Everything
Once you’ve worked through the first two mindset shifts, it’s then time to start taking some more practical action to accept your relationship is over.
The first thing I want you to do is cut contact. The longer you guys are in touch, the more you’re going to go over things and the harder you’re making it. It’s not harsh or unfair. It’s best for the both of you.
I personally block my ex’s (and everyone close to them) to cut contact. It sounds extreme if it’s not something you usually do, but for me ‘out of sight, out of mind’ really works. Others do it too.
It takes away the temptation to look on his page, see things from other people’s pages and of course to get in touch. Why? Because it’s like an extra barrier to stop you in your tracks.
Be strict with it, don’t cave or backtrack.
If you’re struggling with this, jump on over to this post for: What To Do When You Feel Like Contacting Your Ex . Honestly – these tactics are a lifesaver and will really help to make things easier!
No contact means no calls, no texts, no secret messages, no ‘accidentally’ bumping into them, no getting in touch through friends or family, no asking around about them and definitely no stalking!
I know this person was probably a big part of your life. Your partner is often also your best friend but things have changed I’m afraid. So if you want to accept that your relationship is over, you HAVE to vouch to no contact… for the foreseeable future at the very least.
5) Start Focusing On Yourself Again
The last tip I want to share when it comes to how to accept your relationship is over, is to shift your focus.
Instead of putting all of your efforts into clinging onto what you had, or desperately trying to get it back, take a step back and focus on you.
This means starting by simply getting up every day and looking after yourself. This 30 Day Self Care Challenge will give you something small to focus on daily – doing things that will help you feel good.
Start small to begin with, baby steps, I know your emotions are still going to feel a little all over the place.
Then, when you’re ready to move from surviving to thriving, work on the different areas of your life: socially, mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, within your career.
Re-create yourself. Become the best version of you.
When you care more about becoming the best version of yourself, you know that you’ve finally accepted the end of the relationship and are instead committed to moving onto better things.
This is the end goal, okay? And you’ll get there, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
To help make things easier, do a little brainstorm on the areas of your life you want to look at. Just start jotting a few things down at this stage.
- So maybe you want to become more independent
- You want to feel more confident
- You want to do a little traveling
- To build better friendships
- To learn to love yourself so that you don’t need it from anyone else to validate your worth.
You see? Get those ideas flowing and see if you can look at even one of them right now. It will help you feel so much better… which has got to be more enticing than staying how you feel right now, hey?
Everything Is Going To Be Okay, I Promise…
I know you’re hurting right now, but I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. You will be happy again, and you will find love… only next time, it will be a love that lasts.
But in order to find that, in order to meet the right person and have the best relationship, you have to let go of this one first, okay? This will soon come, but only when you’re ready. And you have to first accept your relationship is over with your ex.
Have a little faith that things will all work out, and do what you can to move forward from here.
Take care. You’re doing so well.