Heartbreak hurts like hell, and when things break down – it’s easy to clutch onto the hope that maybe things can be rekindled. In fact, that’s the natural first stage of grief: denial. It’s a defence mechanism to try to help us numb the intensity of the situation. But if you want to move forward and get to a happier place again, you have to accept your relationship is over.
And I know, you don’t want to believe it’s real, but you’re only prolonging the pain by pretending this isn’t happening or trying to search for a way around it. Think about it… You broke up for a reason. Whether you agree with that reason or not, it’s happened. So even if you were to get straight back together now, it wouldn’t change things or make things better. Not long term anyway.
For this reason, the best thing you can do, is accept that right now – the two of you aren’t together. In time, things will become easier. They’ll also become clearer… So if you can’t see why this had to happen, then don’t worry, you soon will. You may well find that you could still have a future. It entirely depends on the two of you, and the situation. But that’s irrelevant for the time being. Instead, right now, you need to gain that acceptance – for your sanity, and so that you can start to move forward.
How To Accept Your Relationship Is Over
1. Allow Yourself To Grieve & Feel The Pain
First up I want you to give yourself a little time to feel your emotions and mourn the loss. In fact, we’re probably going to come back to this multiple times in the grieving process, because healing is not a simple, linear process. So when you need to cry, cry. Get it out. Don’t hold things in or feel like you have to put on a front. You invested so much time, love and energy into the relationship… and for what? This huge sense of loss? It sucks, I get it.
But going through this is actually a key part of accepting that your relationship is over. You have to feel the pain to know it’s real.
If you’re struggling to process your thoughts, try journalling or video recording. Speak to a friend, a family member, a therapist or a coach. Clear your mind through yoga, meditation or mindfulness. And block out times where you will do all of these things that will help.
2. Recognise That This Has Happened For A Reason
Now hear me out because I’m not talking about ‘fate’ or any of that potential bullsh*t. Fate could or could not exist… who knows. But what I do know, is that everything we go through, all of our experiences – shape us into who we are today, and who we will become. It’s actually the hardest of times that create the highest levels of growth and for this reason, even the toughest of situations can be turned into a positive.
The breakup might not have been what you wanted, which is why you’re now struggling to accept your relationship is over now. But trust me, there must have been fundamental problems that made it happen. So instead of downing on how much it sucks, use this as an opportunity to work on the things that need to be worked on and come out of the other side, both stronger and wiser. And you might say…
But how can I goddam work on it if I’m not with this person anymore?
Well my friends, that’s the thing… Relationships in theory, are simple. It’s the people who create the challenges, which is why you should work on yourself and tackle the issues that stem from you. When you do this, you’re then able to go back into a relationship (or a new one), without the baggage that caused the problems in the first place.
You may not be able to control how the other person acts, but you can work on becoming the best version of you, and the best partner. The easiest time to do this is when you’re on your own, not when you feel safe and comfortable. So this breakup is going to lead to a better things, trust me.
3. Put Things Into Perspective
Look at the relationship that you had, and ask yourself, was it everything that you really wanted? Truly? Was it how love should be? If you’re finding it difficult to remove those rose-tainted glasses, I want you to hop on over to this article (it opens in a new tab so you won’t lose where you are in this one)…
You need to see your relationship for what it really was. When you’re in love, you don’t always do this. You make excuse for your partner, you cover over your bad behaviour or try to justify it and you don’t really stop to think – is this actually working? Or if you do, you kid yourself into thinking that it still CAN because really, you’re afraid of facing the truth and having to leave.
It’s hard to start over initially. And often that’s the last thing you want to do – you love this person of course. But love isn’t always enough. If the two of you aren’t really compatible and the relationship isn’t right, things ending now, was actually probably the best thing.
Why? Because it was probably inevitable. It was always going to happen at one point or another because you can’t force things that aren’t working and eventually one of your was always going to break. And I know this is difficult to hear. I feel you, I really do. But once you start to put things into perspective, see things for how they were and reach the point where you know deep down it was right, then you’re better able to accept it’s over.
If you’re struggling to do this because you keep going over the ‘what ifs’ and mistakes you made in the relationship, I want you to read this post. In fact, click here and work through it with me now. You can’t accept that your relationship is over, until you forgive yourself where you might have gone wrong and stop tormenting yourself about how different things could have been. Could, would, should. Who cares? The situation is now what it is, and you can’t do anything about it except keep pushing onwards and upwards. Okay?
4. Cut Contact, On Everything
Once you’ve worked through the first two mindset shifts, it’s then time to start taking some more practical action to accept your relationship is over. The first thing I want you to do is cut contact. The longer you guys are in touch, the more you’re going to go over things and the harder you’re making it. It’s not harsh or unfair. It’s best for the both of you.
I personally block my ex’s (and everyone close to them) to cut contact. It sounds extreme if it’s not something you usually do, but for me ‘out of sight, out of mind’ really works. I takes away the temptation to look on his pages, see things from other people’s pages and of course to get in touch. Why? Because it’s like an extra barrier to stop you in your tracks.
If you’re struggling with this, jump on over to this post for: What To Do When You Feel Like Reaching Out To Your Ex. Honestly – these tactics are a lifesaver and will really help to make things easier!
No contact means no calls, no texts, no secret messages, no ‘accidentally’ bumping into them, no getting in touch through friends or family, no asking around about them and definitely no stalking!
I know this person was probably a big part of your life. Your partner is often also your best friend but things have changed I’m afraid. So if you want to accept that your relationship is over, you HAVE to vouch to no contact, for the foreseeable future at the very least.
5. Start Focusing On Yourself Again
Instead of putting all of your efforts into clinging onto what you had, or desperately trying to get it back, take a step back and focus on you. This means starting by simply getting up every day and looking after yourself. This 30 Day Self Care Challenge will give you something small to focus on daily – doing things that will help you feel good. Start small to begin with, baby steps, I know your emotions are still going to feel a little all over the place.
Then, when you’re ready to move from surviving to thriving, work on the different areas of your life: socially, mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, within your career.
When you care more about becoming the best version of yourself, you know that you’ve finally accepted the end of the relationship and are instead committed to moving onto better things. This is the end goal, okay? And you’ll get there, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
To help make things easier, do a little brainstorm on the areas of your life you want to look at. Just start jotting a few things down at this stage. So maybe you want to become more independent, you want to feel more confident, you want to do a little traveling, you want to build better friendships, you want to learn to love yourself so that you don’t need it from anyone else to validate your worth. You see? Get those ideas flowing and see if you can look at even one of them right now. It will help you feel so much better… which has got to be more enticing than staying how you feel right now, hey?
Everything Is Going To Be Okay, I Promise…
I know you’re hurting right now, but I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. You will be happy again, and you will find love. In fact, not some love that ends – long-lasting love with the right person. But this had to happen in order to lead you to that. It will come, but only when you’re ready. So first, you have to accept your relationship is over, have a little faith that things will all work out, and do what you can to move forward from here. Take care.
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