How Often Should You Text Someone You’re Dating?

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How often should you text someone you’re dating? How much time should you invest into them? I mean, how much is too much, how much is not enough, and how do you get the right balance?

See, if you’re dating with intention, you’re dating to find the one (or even if you’re just dating because you want to find people you click with), ultimately, you’re speaking to them to get to know them – to “qualify” them, to understand what’s there.

The thing is, depending on your attachment style – there is such a thing as putting too much into the wrong person, or not giving someone a proper chance. Which is why it can be so difficult to determine how often you should text someone you’re dating.

However, fear not. Because in this post, we’re going to break it all down, to find that “sweet spot.” How often should you speak to someone you’re dating? You’ll soon find out!

How Often Should You Text Someone You’re Dating?

So before we look at how often you should text someone you’re dating, let’s first weigh up what comes into it, and why it’s even a consideration. Because hey, look at it this way:

1) You Don’t Speak Enough

You could not spend enough time speaking to someone you’re dating and therefore not give the relationship a chance to flourish.

You don’t get to know them well enough, you don’t seem interested enough in them, you fail to build a bond.

This means you end up missing out on the opportunity, only for others to sweep in and build on their relationship with them more. You snooze, you loose.

Recommended Read: Should I Text Him First? Or Should It Come From Him?

2) You Speak Too Much

On the flip side, you could put too much into it – you could text too much. Back and forth, back and forth.

When this happens, time can pass very quickly and – what you don’t actually always realise – is you end up spending HOURS every day, messaging them, and all that time starts to accumulate.

This not only intensifies the relationship and typically makes it progress faster (because you feel like you know someone more than you actually do) but you’re basically speeding up the process of forming that connection.

You’ve been speaking weeks, but it feels like months.

Isn’t This A Good Thing?

So then you have to weigh up… well isn’t it a good thing if you speak so much, you get to know them faster? Aren’t you then finding out what’s there, sooner?

Well actually, no. It doesn’t always work like that. You can’t rush the process.

Although it feels good at the time, this level of intensity isn’t healthy. It rushes the relationship along before its ready. It gives a false sense of security and is more likely to make the relationship crash and burn.
Forgetting Fairytales

And I know what you may be thinking – “but we both want to speak. We’re not purposely speaking excessively. We’re just really clicking, really getting on.”

And that may be the case. But you have to have more control, more balance, if you want to give the relationship the best chance of being what it can be.

Get used to practicing slow love. And remember that true intimacy and connection develops over time. You don’t have to know every depth of their character, all in one go.

Recognise this, slow it down and appreciate the key stages instead of going full force.

Recommended Read: 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Moving Too Fast

Sound familiar? Then click here for how to take things slowly when dating someone. Not only does it include WHY it’s better to take it slowly, but also how to do it in a way that doesn’t suck the fun out of it! (Trust me, you’ll actually really like these tips and approaches!)

Avoid getting into unhealthy habits, putting another person on a pedestal and making – not only them – but love and relationships take over yourself as a whole.

It’s not good for you. And it’s why you’re struggling to find the right balance when it comes to how often you should text someone you’re dating.

So How Often Should You Text Someone You’re Dating?

Now you don’t need to put a time frame on it. You don’t need to have a “texting allowance”. What a fun-sucker that would be! Instead, it’s all about balance. See ideally you want to:

1) Speak Little and Often

Speaking little and often is always a great route to go. This shows the other person, they’re on your radar, you’re thinking of them. It keeps you connected.

Should You Speak To Someone You’re Dating Every Day?

Whilst we’re on the topic of this, another popular question that always comes up is, should you speak to someone you’re dating every day?

The answer? Well it entirely depends on your characters and how long it’s been.

If you’re big texters, something every day, isn’t a lot. It won’t even be thought of. If you’re not, and it’s still early days, this may be become a bit too much.

So if you’re unsure… ask. That’s the biggest piece of advice I could give. Drop it in the conversation when the two of you are together.

Find out what he’s like, what he likes and how he feels on the texting front. Then share your ways and thoughts on it too.

It’s not a big deal, you’re purely being inquisitive. But it’s good for you to gain that clarity and it’s important to get that open communication right from the start.

2) Keep It Meaningful

Now this is a tricky one, and actually depends on the kind of people you are.

If you’re not very expressive people, when you text – in between seeing each other – you’re likely to keep conversation fairly fun and light. Which is should be like regardless.

If you are on the other hand, expressive people, you’ll probably naturally have deeper chats.

Whichever you are, try to feed into the conversation, your qualifying questions to get to know someone. Have some purpose to it…

This will then help you to date more effectively and save time in the long run, making it one of the best dating app tips to follow.

Essentially, when you do spend that time texting, don’t just do it for the sake of it. Make it worthwhile. Use it to strengthen your bond further, whilst staying close and connected.

3) Feel Content

Ultimately, when you get the balance right with how often you text someone when dating – you feel happy, they feel happy and it just feels right. It’s not too intense, it’s not taking over or taking up too much time, but at the same time – it’s not starting to fizzle, it just feels right.

How Often Should You Speak To Someone You're Dating?

What Does That Mean In Time Terms?

In terms of how much time that actually equates to, it’s likely to be different amounts for different people, and vary day to day. I mean:

  • If you’ve got an especially busy week, you’re likely to speak less. But then maybe you make up for that by having a quick call one evening in the week instead of texting, or know you have a date to look forward to on the weekend once it cools off.
  • Or maybe your schedule is pretty free. You have a chilled Sunday and so you spend all evening, nattering away to this person, in full flow… but it’s fun, you’re enjoying it and that’s not something that happens every day.
  • You could be a big texter, he could not be. Or vice versa.

So it’s difficult to say how long is too long, or how long is too little when it comes to how often you should text someone when dating. It entirely depends on the two of you.

What’s also worth taking into consideration – is how much you see each other.

If it’s fairly regularly, you’re actually better to save the big chats to in person (as these kind of conversations form more of a bond when done face to face.)

So take it all in, weigh it all up and assess each situation individually to better determine if you’ve got the balance right.

HEADS UP: If you’re not sure, reach out. Ask me. I’ll help you to determine if the balance is right. I can also help you if you know you consistently come on too strong, or struggle to connect… then we can work through how to get it back and stop making the same mistakes. [Click here to read more on my support.]

Solution 1: If You Don’t Speak Enough

Generally speaking though, if you recognise you’re not speaking enough to the person you’re dating, but you do genuinely see potential with them, all you have to do is:

  1. Express this. Tell them that you recognise that you may come across as distant and maybe aren’t putting in as much time as you’d want to. Tell them why, make them aware and see what they say. (It may turn out it’s not actually an issue, but regardless, it’s good to be open!)
  2. Step it up. If it’s getting to the point where you’re constantly giving delayed, sloppy responses and you do know it needs to be improved… don’t just say it, but do it. Be more consistent. Make more of an effort. It doesn’t have to go from one extreme to another, but you get out what you put in. So as time goes on, and you start to like them, invest a little more time into them, because it will make a difference.
  3. Make it worth it in person. If you’re not a big texter, that’s just you – that’s actually okay, providing the other person knows what you’re like, and when you see them, you make it special. Focus on having that quality time in person, so that the “relationship” can still continue to progress.

Key Consideration: 

The only thing to weigh up with this one, is how you actually feel.

If you don’t text enough, if you find it’s a bit of a chore to message back, you find yourself reading their response and not replying, then you have to ask yourself why.

  • Is there something missing?
  • Do they just not quite excite you?
  • Is it something about them that makes you feel unsure or is this on you?
  • Are you just not in the right headspace to date right now?
  • Want some time on your own?

Don’t force something that’s not there. You also shouldn’t force something that, deep down, you know you’re probably not ready for. So consider that at this stage too.

How Often Should You Text Someone You're Dating?

Solution 2: If You Speak Too Much

If you text too much, break the habit! Every time you go to pick up your phone or reply back straight away, put it back. Do something else. Do something for you instead. Don’t let them take over!

If you know you’re speaking to them too much and it’s coming from you, you can just adjust your texting habits without bringing it up.

If they’re the same as you and it’s a case of you both becoming all-too-consumed and texting too much as a result – just mention it to them, so that they don’t notice your change in behaviour and think you’re becoming distant.

It’s not about them, you’re doing this for the both of you. See..

How you start is usually how you go on. In the early days of dating, you’re setting your relationship standards. So try to get it right from the start.
Forgetting Fairytales

If you speak excessively from the beginning, you’re likely to feel the pressure to keep that up throughout the relationship – if it doesn’t crash and burn before you get to that stage that is (something that often happens with fast and furious relationships!)

So instead, recognise it, do something about it, and feel good about that!

The Benefits Of Getting The Balance Right

So this sufficiently covers, “how often should you text someone you’re dating?”

As you can see – it’s not a black and white answer. It’s based on the two of you, who you are as people and where you’re at.

To know for sure, you can only openly discuss it, agree a balance that’s right for you, and continue to assess it from there. But what are the pro’s of this? What are the benefits of getting it right? Well:

  • You’ll have stronger foundations for a healthier relationship.
  • You won’t fall into the trap of developing a co-dependent relationship.
  • You’ll have a longer “honeymoon period.” (And be less likely off crashing and burning.)
  • You’ll be able to see the situation clearer – better establish how you feel.
If you’re confused about your feelings, the best thing you can do is slow it down. Take note of how it feels to speak less and whether it makes you miss them, or it feels like a relief. When it’s too intense, you can’t think clearly. When you take a step back, the truth naturally starts to unravel itself.
  • If you talk less when you’re apart, generally, you’ll have more to talk about when you’re together.
  • You also then still have the time and space to continue your own life… to keep your own independence and make sure you’re not “losing yourself” when you find someone else.

Convinced you? I hope so. And remember – things can change. This is totally in your control.

When you first match with someone, maybe you don’t quite talk enough.

You then have a couple of dates, the interest and connection grows, and so you do text more – and speak more about more meaningful things when you are texting.

On the flip side, you could have an instant connection with someone – really hit it off, and get carried away, so much so that you are spending too much time in your day, talking to each other… your relationship with them is taking over.

At this point, like we said, you can recognise it, adjust it and it will start to mellow out the more secure you become.

But either way, it’s just about awareness. Knowing what does and doesn’t feel right, knowing what’s healthy, what the signs are that it is right or wrong. And trying to make the best judgement from there.

We’re all learning, growing, and when you find the right person, you also continue and learn to grow together – both in your relationship and out of it.

Want to know how to tell if he likes you over text? Then click here and read that next!

Hope this helps. Happy dating!


How Often Should You Speak To Someone You're Dating?

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Ella Stearn
Ell is a Breakup, Dating & Relationship Specialist & Coach, with over 3 million annual readers, globally. As the Creator of Forgetting Fairytales, her mission is to help you learn to love yourself, find the right person to give your love to, then make it a love that truly lasts.