Oh ghosting. It’s such a horrible thing, isn’t it? Yet unfortunately, it happens to almost every one of us, at some point or another when dating. It hurts, more than you’d image, because it’s essentially rejection without the conclusiveness, without any sort of finality. But you can’t let it knock you. No way, hose. So here’s how to deal with being ghosted, how to get your head around ghosting and be able to confidently pick yourself back up again.
What Is Ghosting?
Ghosting is essentially when someone stops answering your texts or calls, without any explanation, warning or justification.
It’s not like orbiting where a conversation to call it quits was usually had. Instead, they cease all communication and ignore any of your attempts to reach out again.
They’ve ended the personal relationship with you – no matter what that actually was. And just like a ghost – one minute they’re there, the next they’re gone…
Disappeared into thin air, or so it seems. Only they didn’t have the respect to talk it through with you properly before, or give you the full clarity you deserve.
Why Do People Ghost?
There can be many different reasons why people ghost.
It could be things going on in their life, the person not mentally being in the right headspace, the person deciding that maybe you’re not quite right for them – anything and everything.
There’s no end of “reasons” for the cause – the end outcome of them no longer speaking. The thing is, there’s also not really any “excuse”.
Unless their phone really has broken and they have no possible way of finding you to let you know (yeah right!) – the fact that they’re ghosting ultimately comes down to the person not having the common curtesy or respect to tell you that they don’t want to speak anymore.
Ultimately, people ghost because they can, and it’s easy.
Facing up to a situation is hard, being honest and transparent is often uncomfortable. (And this is in a world where people can hide away from a screen!)
It also takes effort and perhaps they’re unsure of the response they will get. So instead, ghosting has become the cowards way out, but actually “the norm.”
At the end of the day though – ghosting is selfish. When you ghost someone, you don’t care of how it might affect them.
You’re just doing what’s easiest for you. In some ways, you’re therefore saying – “my feelings are more important than yours.”
I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s ultimately what it comes down to.
Are There Any Signs Of Ghosting?
Can you tell it’s going to happen? Usually, no. That’s what makes ghosting so bad. It typically comes out of nowhere.
If there were going to be any signs of ghosting however, it usually happens once the inconsistency sets in.
You’ll probably first see a change in response time – a couple of hours, then half-days, then full days followed by fake excuses.
You know, the whole “sorry, I totally didn’t see this text” or “work has just been mad busy!”
Then come the delays: “Sorry I can’t do this weekend. But will definitely have to see you again soon.” Oh yes, the “SOON” that basically equates to NEVER!
Then following that, it often leads to the complete and echoing silence, when the person no longer bothers to message anymore, or simply doesn’t respond to anything you say.
And sure, maybe you could push and chase, and maybe one time or another, they would send back the odd reply.
But, it’s unlikely. And would be totally pointless. Because this person has tuned out. Woosh. Gone.
The Different Levels Of Ghosting
The thing is, there are different levels of ghosting. Ghosting is a terminology that gets thrown around A LOT in today’s world, I believe. When that’s not always the case.
I mean, ghosting isn’t just someone not replying to your last messages on a dating app. After all, what if they just haven’t come back online? Or what if the conversation has just sort of fizzled out?
No. Ghosting requires more than that. Ghosting is when someone disappears from your life, but if we’re being honest – at this point – they weren’t really in your life. Not properly.
So I personally don’t think you can class that as ghosting. They haven’t unmatched you. They just aren’t so active on the dating app right now, have lost interest or, perhaps they’re ignoring you.
It’s a knock to the ego but it’s not strictly ghosting.
“Have I Been Ghosted?”
When it comes to ghosting then, I think you therefore must consider:
- How long had you actually been speaking?
- How often did you speak?
- Was some sort of connection formed or was it in the early stages?
- Has it been just one or two messages they haven’t replied to? And what were the last messages you sent?
You have to put it into context you see. Was it just low-level chat that’s kind of faded out? Perhaps a simple response that maybe they didn’t feel “inspired” enough to reply to?
Because let’s be fair, if we’re going to make ghosting that loose – we’d end up saying it was happening every damn day – not just by other people but by us frequently too!
So there’s definitely different levels of it.
Now we’re a little clearer on not only if it actually WAS ghosting, but also the level of the ghosting, we can then better know how to go about dealing with being ghosted.
How To Deal With Being Ghosted On a Dating App
So if you’ve been ghosted on a dating app – or someone you matched on a dating app, but were then speaking to on WhatsApp, instagram, over the phone, etc, the best thing you can possibly do, this early on, is brush it off.
I know it still hurts. Maybe you got your hopes up with this person, thought they had potential and you’re disappointed, disheartened even.
The more you spoke and the more of a connection you formed, the harder it is to deal with, for sure. But remember – it’s probably a blessing in disguise.
I mean, think about it – this person has just shown their true colours.
Would you really want to date someone who was going to act like this towards you? Do you really want to waste any more time with someone who doesn’t see your value?
Forget about the “what ifs”…
At the end of the day, if they weren’t interested enough to carry on speaking to you, to make sure they met you and to see where it goes – they weren’t for you.
And I can say this with complete and utter confidence…
So if it’s not going anywhere, isn’t it better to have come to that realisation sooner rather than later?
If you’ve been ghosted by a match from the dating app, then GET YOURSELF BACK ON THERE and find someone who is ready to invest their time in you to see where it goes.
Then, when you get back to it – get back to it with a new-and-improved mindset and tougher skin. Not everyone will ghost you, as you know.
So don’t take it personally, and don’t give up! You will find love – I promise you!
How To Deal With Being Ghosted After a Date
So what do you do if you’re ghosted after a date? Everything was going well beforehand, you then meet up, you thought it went well, but in the days or weeks after – THEN they ghost you.
Now this is even trickier because you’re also more likely to take it personally.
- Did they not feel the same way that I did?
- Did I do something wrong?
- What’s happening now?
There will be a lot of questions, I get it. But instead of trying to find answers, you just have to accept it. Accept that sometimes crappy things happen, they don’t always make sense straight away, but you don’t NEED to know why, nor could you ever actually find out for sure.
You’ll look at this in time and be thankful that idiot ghosted you. Trust me, you really will!
Because again – they simply weren’t right for you and are instead creating space for the right person to find you. In the meantime:
1) Accept it.
Don’t chase. Don’t make excuses for them. And certainly don’t go all detective! Just accept it’s happened and allow yourself to FEEL all of the emotions that stirs up for you. Cry if you need to. It’s perfectly natural and normal to feel the way you do.
2) Talk about it.
Talk to your friends, get it all out. If you keep it in, you keep in shame and embarrassment. It’s as if YOU’VE done something wrong – and you haven’t.
So let it out. You might even reach the point where you laugh it off. (I mean, how weak is he to ghost?! It says it all!)
But be open about it with people who care about you, because they will be a huge comfort and really help you to move on.
3) Decide what you’re going to do now.
Do you want to send a last text to express how you feel?
(Just make sure you don’t do this with anger – what you say is for you, but still act with dignity, don’t lower yourself to his level!)
Do you need to take a break from dating, or are you ready, fresh fuelled, to get yourself back out there?
In this case – what will you take away from this, how will you learn from this? Will you start giving other people a shot instead?
How To Deal With Being Ghosted By Someone You Were Dating
So then comes the real kicker – being ghosted by someone who you were actively dating.
This has got to be the worst of the lot because you let this person in, you started to open up and so the rejection (and the way in which they rejected you) REALLY STINGS.
To deal with being ghosted by someone you were dating, the same process applies: accept it, feel your feelings, talk about it, make a plan of action for how you will bounce back.
In fact, let’s build on this by reading this article. I think it will really help. There’s also this one on what to do when someone treats you badly… Because that’s what they’ve done. THEY are the one in the wrong here, not you.
There’s no reason or justification for ghosting someone – especially when the relationship progresses further.
So ultimately, they’re just a really bad egg. Or a weak egg at least. And we don’t want any weak eggs, do we? No, no, no.
Take Your Time To Heal
Do whatever you need to do to get through it and heal. In many ways, it will be like the grieving process after a breakup – made worse by the fact that you have no closure around it due to no clear reasoning.
Know that it’s perfectly normal to struggle with this, to find it difficult. It doesn’t matter if you weren’t official. You’re not being stupid or blowing this up.
Hurting, grieving even, is a natural response. So just know that…
Your emotions are valid. Your negative thoughts that tell you any of this is a reflection of you – are not. So please don’t take this personally. Please don’t think that you aren’t enough. Because you are, more than.
The fact that you’ve been ghosted shows the ghoster for who they are. That’s all. And you will not let this beat you.
So take your time, look after yourself, be kind to yourself, and gradually – just like everything else – it will get easier.
I really hope this helps. Sending you all my love, hugs and encouragement.