Feel like you’ve scared him away? Acted in ways that you shouldn’t have, usually wouldn’t have and didn’t even want to… But now he’s gone? Wondering if it’s too late to get him back? Unsure what to do now you feel like you scared him off? Well, let’s break it all down then so that you have a plan of action for moving forward. (See, it’s not all doom and gloomed, filled with unbearable regret – I promise!)
Have You Scared Him Away?
So first up, before we look at what to do if you scared him away, I want you to first get clear on whether you actually DID scare him away, whether it was totally on you, and what this actually means to you.
So grab a piece of paper, or open a new notes tab on your phone, if you find it easier. As I want you to ask yourself:
- What is the situation like now?
- Vs. What was it like before?
- How has his behaviour changed?
- What things has he said?
- In what way has your behaviour influenced this?
- How have you behaved?
- And how would you have liked to have behaved differently?
- Does your behaviour justify him now being “scared off”?
- Would he have scared you off, if it was the other way around?
- Was it just one thing you did, or multiple ways in which you behaved?
- Was there ever any valid reasons for your behaviour?
- Or did you try to explain your behaviour? (Not to justify it but so he could better understand it and perhaps where it was coming from.)
What To Do If You’ve Scared Him Away
So let’s assume that, yes, unfortunately (or perhaps it’s not as unfortunate as you may think!), your actions may have contributed to scaring him away. What do you now do? Well:
1) Look At WHY You Scared Him Away
The initial brainstorm above should have started to get you a little clearer on what exactly happened and where your mistakes may have lay.
But I want you to also take a step back for a moment here, and ask yourself:
Was It Really You That Scared Him Away?
Ask yourself the following questions and genuinely take the time to consider the answers, looking at it from both sides…
- Are you being too hard on yourself? Beating yourself up for things that – actually – probably didn’t quite justify him getting scared off in the way that he apparently is now?
- Are you putting too much pressure on yourself? Too much pressure to be perfect, or come across in a certain way? (When simply being yourself is really the best thing you can be!)
- Could you possibly be jumping to conclusions here? Could it be that you didn’t actually scare him away and instead, he’s now gone for other reasons (that are nothing to do with you)?
- Has he made mistakes too? Have you overlooked things for him? (And yet – the same isn’t done in return? Doesn’t that say more about him than you?)
- Isn’t dating today, pretty darn hard, and so – understandably in some cases – you can’t always play it cool, or act exactly how you’d like, every second and every moment?!
I also want you to look at WHY you behaved in the way that you did…
Where Did This Behaviour Come From?
- Was he playing you, or messing with your head?
- Were you struggling to feel secure? Confused about where you stood?
- Was he showing the signs he secretly has a girlfriend, or at least multiple people on the scene? (In which case – you did WELL “scaring him away!”)
- Perhaps your abandonment issues were being triggered? (Whether that’s through a fault of his own, or not.) Or your anxious attachment causing you to come on too strong too soon?
- Or maybe you were battling your own issues from the past? Struggling to trust? Acting unreasonably because you were scared of getting feelings and being hurt again?
Whatever it is, get as clear on it all – and the situation as a whole – as you possibly can.
As, determining WHY you scared him away – and whether your behaviour wasn’t as unreasonable as you may have initially thought, or there were deeper rooted issues for why you behaved the way you did – it’s absolutely fundamental for knowing what to do from here.
So take your time. Speak to a relationship specialist to get additional insights if you need. But work it all out, looking at it from both the inside, and from an outsiders perspective.
2) Look At How He Acted
Now, we’re not about to play the blame game, but – the chances are – if you’re looking at what to do if you scared him off, your focus is on YOU.
This is good. You’re reflecting. You’re looking to improve. But sometimes it means you can overlook other things that you shouldn’t. I mean, ask yourself this:
- Was his reaction to your behaviour, fully justified?
- In which ways did he behave (separate to this), in ways that weren’t desirable?
- Were you getting any “red flags” from him?
- Is it fair to put this ENTIRELY on you?
Speak to your friends and family if needed, as – although they can sometimes be biased – they can also see things that you perhaps couldn’t, and enable you to look at it in a different way.
This is especially important if you struggle to know your worth and often allow yourself to be treated unfairly.
(Which by the way, is easily done, especially if you haven’t clearly outlined your dating and relationship standards. So again – try not to be too hard on yourself about this. It’s all a learning process.)
3) Evaluate Where He’s At
To build on our last point, I want you to further evaluate where he’s at now, to better make sense of why he’s now gone.
- Could it be that he’s just not ready for something serious? Which is why one thing and just like that, he’s done! He wants 0 drama, 0 upset or he’s out.
- Or maybe he IS looking for something serious and he thinks that you’re not quite ready, so he’s left to try to protect himself?
- On a similar note, maybe your relationship has been moving too fast (both because of him and because of you) and he’s starting to fall for you… It’s scary. And so he’s got scared off, is now pulling back, but not necessarily through any major fault of your own.
See, there’s are just a few common examples, but there’s loads of different things that could come into it…
It may not just be your behaviour and your behaviour alone that has resulted in him being “scared off.” And that’s important to recognise.
See, right now – you’re not quite where you want to be. You can do what you can from here to try to make it better. But ultimately, you can’t always change the situation or outcome.
The best thing you can do, is therefore understand it – what got you to where you are. Then gain closure over it, and simply learn from it moving forward.
In fact, learning from it regardless of whether things work out or not, turns any challenging experience into a positive one…
So that should always be your primary goal, in any situation like this.
4) Be Honest About Where You’re At
Talking of learning – is this not the first situation you’ve found yourself in like this?
Are you finding it difficult to be who you really are, completely relax and act how you usually would (or how you would like to) when dating?
Then maybe you’re not quite as ready for a relationship as you may have thought and this is the “reality check” you need to work on what you need to.
(And by the way, I mean this in the nicest possible way. Honestly. It’s nothing to feel embarrassed about.)
You just need to ask yourself:
- Are you trying to rush things when dating, because you’re craving the love, validation and security?
- Do you need to first learn to be truly happy on your own?
- Have you tried dating too soon, and you’re not quite over your ex (or everything that happened in your past relationship) just yet?
- Do you have a little growing up and maturing to do? (Again, absolutely no shame in that!)
- Are you continuing to carry forward toxic relationship habits?
- Are there fundamental issues that affect you when dating, that you need to now address head on?
See, you might see this as a set back… A guy you (presumably!) liked, has been “scared away.” That leaves you kicking yourself or feeling embarrassed.
But every set-back provides opportunity, and you can use the negative emotions you feel towards the way you behaved to drive forward the change you want and need to see within you.
The only way you can do this however, if you’re honest with yourself about where you’re at and what you may need…
So this is a key step when it comes to what to do if you scared him away. (Whether that was entirely down to you or not!)
This then leads us onto the next stage of the process. (And this is where the fun really starts to begin!)
5) Make a Plan
From all of this evaluation, you now have a full picture of the situation at hand.
This then allows you to look at your different options for moving forward and what your plan of action should be from here.
What you’ll do, vastly depends on what you’ve concluded in the steps above however. For example:
- If you realised you’re probably being a little hard on yourself, or are jumping to conclusions here… You made a mistake. You may have scared a guy off (to a degree.) But he’s not completely gone. He’s still open minded, and so you then have options for how to “win him back.” (Which by the way, is always best done by taking a step back, giving him space to breathe, but also being yourself… and showing him your true self this time. (Your fun, fabulous, calm and relaxed version of you!)
On the flip side:
- If you realised that – yes – you messed up in some ways, but it was probably a blessing in disguise as this guy isn’t the right person for you, or in the same place looking for the same things… Then your plan of action revolves solely around you and what you will do to act the way you want to act and feel the way you should want to feel.
See, your plan should include personal development action tasks for you, regardless of whether there’s still a chance with this guy or not…
You’re aiming to become the best version of yourself, both for yourself and for increasing your chances of things working out with other people.
So look at the issues, look at the route causes, and brainstorm things you can do to try to improve.
6) Start Putting That Plan Into Practice Now!
After that’s it’s all about action, action, action. If you’ve scared a guy away and are kicking yourself about it – don’t dwell on it… Do something about it.
Mapping out what you need to do is one thing, but actually doing it – is another! So take the first steps today. Take the first steps right now. And do one small thing today…
Whether that’s swotting up and researching something, or downloading a new book; creating a happiness plan so you can find happiness within yourself first, or working on increasing your confidence – right here, right now!
In fact, whilst you’re at it – I challenge you to also take on this 30 Day Positive Mindset Challenge so that you’re also fully committed to taking the GOOD away from this situation instead of dwelling on the bad!
Get focused. And get excited… Because this can be an amazing turning point in your journey to finding true love (and true happiness within, even before you find that!)
7) Be Kind To Yourself
The 7th and final, fundamental step if you’ve scared a guy away, is to be kind to yourself… and not too hard on yourself about it.
Yes, you don’t want to keep making the same mistakes, but the fact you’re here – right now – reading this, shows you are doing something about it and you don’t want to stay in the same place.
What you’ve done to scare him away, may not have even been that big of a deal. And if it was… like I said, it’s a lesson. You’re human. You’re allowed to make mistakes.
At the end of the day – there’s no loss here. Things will always work out with the right person, at the right time. This is just part of your story…
So hold that head up high, embed these positive dating affirmations in your mind, and don’t feel bad if you scared him away! Okay?!
That’s All For This One…
So there’s 7 steps for what to do if you “supposedly!” scared him away. I hope this has helped to give you both clarity and confidence.
Take care. Keep going. And know that everything will fall into place in the end.
All my love,
Ell_xx
