Wondering how to get over an ex you still love? How to move on after a breakup when you are still in love? It’s difficult, right? Feels impossible at moments in fact? But I promise you – there are ways to move on when you still love someone. So in this article, we’ll guide you through – step by step.
How Do You Move On From Someone You’re Still In Love With?
So when it comes to how to move on after a breakup when you are still in love, the fact that you’re still in love, does – undeniably – add an extra challenge.
Of courses there’s always things you can do to feel better after a breakup.
But if you’re still in love with your ex, it means you then have that extra step of falling out of love in order to be able to move on, too.
Now this isn’t going to happen straight away. (Of course! If only we could click our fingers and all of our feelings would disappear, right?!)
But it also doesn’t mean that you have to put the “moving on” completely on hold…
You can still make progress whilst you’re still in love with your ex… You just won’t reach the full of being fully moved on until those feelings for your ex have at least dwindled a little.
After all, moving on after an ex you’re still in love with doesn’t mean that you can’t have any love for them at all. It also doesn’t mean you have to try to hate them.
The Shift You Want To See…
But your love will start to change from:
“I’m still madly in love with this person.”
To…
“They will probably always have a slightly special place in my heart, but I’m not IN LOVE with them and I don’t want to be with them.”
You see the difference?
So in order to fully move on after a breakup you have to fall a little OUT of love, but the things you’re doing to move on, in turn, naturally help you to fall out of love.
So each thing supports one other, until ultimately – you’re in the place you want to be.
How To Move On After a Breakup When You Are Still In Love
So what do you do? What are the key steps and “action” you need to take if you want to move on when you still love someone and – similarly – get over an ex you still love?
Well, think of this as your tick-list, and work through it, one by one.
WARNING: Some of these things you may not want to do, but if you really want to get over an ex you still love (and be able to properly move on with your life!) – you have to do them.
Remember, “no pain, no gain” as they say… But everything feels painful right now. So even if some of these tasks seem daunting, they’re worth trying right?
As it’s the only way to “see the light” and take those positive steps forward…
So, if you want to move on after a breakup when you are still in love, you really should:
1) Block Your Ex!
Now I’m going to start with this one, as it’s often the one that people are so reluctant to do. (I’m speaking from experience, as a Breakup Coach, helping hundreds of men and women.)
See, I know what you’re thinking:
- “I have to block my ex? Really?! Can’t I just not speak to them?”
- “But that seems so drastic and dramatic?!”
- “What are they going to think?! Won’t it look childish?!”
But here – have a read of this article which answers exactly why you need to block your ex, and the benefits of blocking your ex.
See, by keeping their number or simply deleting them from socials, it doesn’t stop that inevitable “snooping” from sneaking in. You need “out of sight, out of mind” to come into play.
You need a fresh start… More than anyone else after a breakup, because you’re still in love with your ex, so you want to do absolutely everything you can to try to let that go.
Why You Need To Block Your Ex…
By blocking your ex, you’re removing them from your life completely, can pretend (to a degree) that they really are no longer there, and are forced to shift the focus onto you…
After all, you can’t find out anything new! You also shouldn’t still be speaking to them then. (And don’t bother trying to find a way around it by asking about them through someone else!)
Yes – it hurts and it’s hard. But you’re actually making it harder for yourself by NOT blocking them and instead, just keeping them there.
Keeping tabs on your ex only makes it worse, and becomes a toxic breakup habit that holds you back. I mean, it’s no longer you can’t stop thinking about your ex when you keep them there!
But once you actually do it and you start to readjust to life with your ex no longer in it, at all, you’ll see this. It’s just about taking that first step…
2) Create a “Remember List”
Next up, if you want to move on after a breakup when you are still in love with your ex, it’s a good idea to create a “Remember List.”
To do this, you start with the “Remember List Creation” activity!
Ha. Sounds pretty fancy, right?! But it’s something to get excited about as it is genuinely going to become your new breakup-best-friend!
So, grab a pen & piece of paper, or open a new notes tab on your phone and write down:
- All the reasons why – as much as you did love your ex – the relationship wasn’t right.
- All the reasons why – as much as you did love your ex – your ex wasn’t the right person for you.
- I also want you to write down reminders that you want to remember.
So, for example, right now you may be struggling to come up with things to say. But what you do know is that:
Things You Want To Remember After a Breakup…
- “The relationship broke down for a reason.”
- “The outcome now, is what it is. And (as much as I’d like to search for ways around it), I cannot actually change it so I simply HAVE to accept it.”
- “If my ex really was ‘the one’, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are now. (Or at the very least, we’d end up getting back together at some point… but that point is not now, so I have to face and act on the reality I am in.)
Think of empowering truths that you have to face as part of getting over an ex you still love.
Like I said – right now that may be a little hard. But every week I want you to build on your Remember List as more things come to light.
Because as time goes on – you’ll start to see things differently, that I can assure you.
So write the list, review the list every week, keep adding to the list where you can, and read the list daily – whenever you’re feeling down or struggling & need reminding of things that keep you focused and keep you pushing.
By doing this, these become kind-of-like your very own breakup affirmations (which are powerful things!) so this is something that really works.
3) Work To Gain Closure
Did you know, you can still gain closure even if you don’t understand why it ended or, don’t – right now – agree that it should have? Uh huh. I want you to bob on over to this article:
– How To Gain Closure When You Don’t Understand Why It Ended –
As this will then guide you through. This is a fundamental part when it comes to moving on after a breakup when you’re still in love.
4) Stick With The FACTS!
If you’re struggling to move on after a breakup because you are still in love, I also want to encourage you to remember the facts and get back to the facts…
Particularly in the moments where you feel your mind drifting to thoughts / prospects that are not helpful. Bring it back. Bring it back.
So for example, let’s say you’re getting worked up because you’re wondering:
What if my ex moves on quickly?! What if my ex is over me already?! Was the relationship really everything that I thought it was?! Did I not mean enough to them?! Did they not love me as much as I love(d) them?!
Your thoughts and feelings can start to escalate pretty quickly, right?!
What You Should Do Instead…
But in this situation – take a deep breath, stop your thoughts in their tracks and bring it all back:
- What is the TRUTH here? Or the truth as I know it and the truth I will choose to believe unless I’m proven otherwise?
- What are the FACTS? And not the facts and feelings, the facts on their own? (How it is… Whether I like it or not!)
- How can I see this situation as what it is, without being as emotionally fuelled? How can I reduce the intensity / power that my emotions have?
After all, facts are facts. You can’t change it. You can’t control it. You simply have to accept it. But the thing is – you give the meaning to each fact. You decide what each situation means to you and how you choose to feel. (And yes, that’s easier said than done, but it’s still a choice, a decision and it’s all about training your brain to start to shift your perspective.)
Explaining With An Example
So going back to “What if my ex moves on quickly?!” as mentioned, if you ran with your feelings you’d get something like…
“How could he do this?! I feel so hurt. And angry too… Why do I have to feel this way?! Why doesn’t he want me anymore?! What am I going to do?!”
Feelings escalate into thoughts which escalate into scenario after scenario, racing through your head. You just end up working yourself up more and more.
Whereas when you try to see the situation as what it is, without being so emotionally driven, it automatically EASES your emotional response. So the fact is:
- You don’t know if your ex is going to move on fast or not. FACT!
- Even if your ex seemingly moved on, his new relationship could be a rebound relationship or he could be actively dating to try to escape the pain and still hurting just as much as you. FACT!
- You and your ex are no longer together so if he / she wanted to move on fast – that’s entirely up to them. FACT!
- There’s nothing you can do about it if they do move on quickly anyway. FACT!
It’s then your choice how you choose to act on these things, but by looking at the facts, you’re able to think and act, more clearly.
How To Move On After a Breakup When You Are Still In Love
Let’s Give One More Example…
Another way that sticking with the facts comes into play, is reminding yourself to see your past relationship for what it was – nothing more, nothing less.
See, so often it’s easy to remember it with “rose tinted glasses.” You glamourise and idealise what you had, making it out to be more perfect and rosey than it really was.
This is dangerous. And a big road-block when it comes to moving on if you’re still in love. After all, how can you get over someone you’ve built up in your head?
You’re making it an even harder task by putting them on a pedestal as opposed to seeing the full picture of how it really was and how they really were.
You’re stuck in a fantasy, as opposed to moving forward based on the facts and reality.
Fantasy Vs. Facts…
See, you want to remember your ex and your relationship for everything and all that it was – the good (but more importantly) the bad too.
Don’t fight what you feel towards them at this moment in time, but don’t blow it up or make them bigger and better than they are in your mind.
You can still love them. In fact, love them more if you have to. Look back on the good times and smile about them. Think of your ex with affection still if things weren’t left on bad terms. But try to start to shift it to a love of friendship.
And yes I know right now that feels impossible, because you just want them back, right?
But if you ACCEPT your relationship is over, things start to shift because you know you won’t change this situation… but that’s okay, you can still look at them and think about them, in endearing ways.
You’re just no longer heightening this to see them as perfect, because they weren’t, no-one is, and if your past relationship really was truly perfect (or close to it), it wouldn’t have broken down…
5) Don’t Force It
Another key essential to moving on after a breakup when you are still in love, is that you don’t try to rush it or force it.
Yes, you shouldn’t sit there dwelling on the fact that you’re “still in love”, but you also shouldn’t try to kid yourself otherwise either.
It’s like this: If someone told you to list thing, quick-fire, all the things that AREN’T brown, or don’t include any shades of brown in… would you find it hard?
In fact, the chances are, you’d probably end up noticing more things had brown in than you ever realised!
It’s like this when you’re trying NOT to think of someone or NOT to care about them… You end up focusing on them more because you’ve wired your brain to try NOT to think it… And so you’ve actually ended up making them more prominent in there.
This is such a key rule… So read it. And read it again until you understand it.
Why It’s So Fundamental…
See by doing all of the RIGHT things, you will naturally start to get over an ex you still love. You don’t need to try to force them out of your mind.
Are they out of your life? (Yes, especially if you’ve blocked them.) Are you doing things that move you forward in your life? (Yes, if you follow all of these tips.)
And so in turn, they will gradually start to move out of your mind and hold less of huge place in your heart…
Providing you don’t try to force them out before you’ve fully processed everything or as if it’s this “forbidden thing.”
Right now – these are your feelings. You are still in love. And that’s okay. Don’t shame it. Don’t try to avoid it. As that will only prolong your feelings and stop you from moving on. On the flip side…
6) Focus On It
Here’s another way to look at things, so read each step and actually give it a go so that you can see what I mean…
- In a minute I’m going to ask you to close your eyes and remember all the things in the room that are red.
- So have a look around the room and familiarise yourself with the different things in it.
- Give yourself 30 seconds.
- Are you looking?
- Okay. Now close your eyes and remember speak out loud, everything in the room that’s… GREEN!
- It’s pretty hard, right?
- You were focusing on the red, and so all you saw and remembered was red. Now you have to try to find the green… your minds gone a little more blank, right?
- Now open them and look for the green.
- Do you see more things that are green than you did before?
This is the perfect example of how:
Whatever you look for, you see more of. Whatever you focus on, you feel.
So if you want to move on after a breakup when you are still in love, you want to focus on the positives of moving on, as opposed to the feeling that you can’t because you’re still in love.
The more good you find, the easier it is for you to find more. Until, gradually, you build up the picture of this exciting prospect ahead of you… and take more and more action to lead you there.
7) Do All Of “The Right Things”
Now I know what you were expecting to hear when you googled, “how to move on after a breakup when you are still in love” (or something to that effect.) You thought I’d say:
- Look after yourself.
- Focus on self-care.
- Get a new hobby.
- Hang out with friends more – even if it’s just in the comfort of your own home. There’s plenty of fun things you can do with friends at home actually! So there’s no excuses! Similarly…
- Spend more time with family. Remember and appreciate your loved ones.
- Look at how you can improve yourself after a breakup.
- Do more things that you enjoy.
- Exercise – get those endorphins flowing!
- Learn to enjoy alone time. (It may seem like a challenge now, but it soon won’t be!)
- Maybe learn a little mindfulness meditation whilst you’re at it too!
- And of course – keep repeating those positive mindset affirmations. (This is a big one!)
See, I know you’ve heard it all before, but all of these things GENUINELY HELP!
It Really Does Make a Difference…
I mean, yes, in most cases, you may need more than just these things to get over an ex you still love – especially if there’s some deep rooted attachments there.
You can’t just do all of the “right things” and – wahay, you’re “fixed!” Your ex has a hold of you no more… Pfft. It’s not usually that simple.
But… And this is a BIG but… You should still do them as they do make a positive difference and all tie into you moving on after a breakup and feeling better again.
So map out a schedule. Know what you want to do. Know what small things help. Do the big and the small.
Write a singles bucket list or a personal development bucket list whilst you’re at it too.
Because this all shifts the focus onto you, and away from your ex… So that you start to move the love back onto YOURSELF. (Which is a very powerful thing indeed!)
How To Move On After a Breakup When You Are Still In Love
8) Start Dating (When You’re Ready!)
Now this may be a bit of a controversial piece of advice…
But if you’re struggling to move on after a breakup because you’re still in love, you’re doing all of the above and it’s been a few weeks or months, I want to encourage you to download a dating app and at least start speaking to other people.
Go on one of the more serious dating apps – not because you’re ready for anything serious just yet, but because you’ll match with better people and have more positive experiences.
You don’t have to lead anyone on. You should still be open and honest about where you’re at if you’re asked. But by speaking to other people:
- You stop fixating on the past as much.
- You realise there are actually other people out there… There is a life and world away from your ex!
- When you start to have good conversations, you realise there are other connections you can make. (Just be patient with this as “you have to kiss a few frogs” as they say, and need to make sure your expectations aren’t unattainably high. Because that’s the thing…)
In order for all of this to work of course, you have to be open-minded and give people a proper chance. So go onto the apps with the outlook and intention of:
“I’m going to speak to new people and actually… try to enjoy it!”
It’s Like The Quote…
“If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting the rest of your life.”
Now I’m assuming it’s not ACTUALLY going to be the rest of your life with this one…
But if you wait until you’re 100% over your ex, you’re actually holding yourself back, because opening your heart (even just a little bit) to the prospect of new people, helps you to move on from your ex…
Remember: you’re not looking for your life partner on these dating apps at this stage. You’re just looking to make positive, meaningful connections that start to get you back into it again.
Getting back into dating after a breakup, doesn’t have to be as daunting or scary as you may think, my friends.
Right now, you still FEEL so deeply in love with your ex, because you haven’t felt any sort of love or affection towards anyone else.
You need to see what’s out there. You need to show yourself that there is a whole world full of people and you will feel that again…
Instead of fixating what you felt before and still feeling like you still feel it to the same degree.
The chances are – you don’t have to. It’s just down to you when you choose to let go and start to fully move forward.
By The Way…
Oh, and by the way – if you’ve tried dating and are thinking,
“Nope, that doesn’t work. Been there, done that! I just keep comparing everyone to my ex and no-one is on par with him…”
Well there’s your answer… You’re comparing. You’re convincing yourself. And you’re not giving everyone a proper chance.
No, you don’t have to force it with anyone. And no, you shouldn’t go into this looking to meet the love of your life. But you 1000% can get more out of this than you’ve previously done…
So shift your intention. Shift the way you see this. And get that attitude back on track to one that DOES help you move on after a breakup (even if you’re still in love.)
Because that’s when you’ll start to see more change and more progress… Even if it’s baby steps!
Dating Apps Not For You?
Now I’m a big advocate for dating apps so certainly don’t think you should discount them.
But if you’re really against this idea (even if it’s been months now and you’re still in the same place with how you feel) – try meeting more men / women in real life instead.
Go to singles events or social events where you know you will mix with at least one or two single people. Get to know them on a friendship level if that’s what you’re more comfortable with…
Baby steps, baby steps. The most important thing is that it’s steps forward. (Even when these steps are out of your comfort zone!)
9) Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself
We touched on it above, but I want to highlight it further. See, the chances are, you’ve started to look into how to move on after a breakup when you are still in love, because you’re panicking or in deep pain.
You think, “now it’s over, he’s not coming back, my feelings have to go away!”
The truth is – it’s perfectly natural and normal to still love your ex after a breakup – especially if it’s still early days or you still have an attachment you haven’t yet broken.
As you start to heal, you are likely to go through phases where you feel like you still love them (so much that it hurts) vs you feel like you’re moving on. It will come in waves…
The Process…
But every time you get that, “why do I have to still love him?!” panic- take a deep breath. Sooth yourself with supportive words.
You’re not doing anything wrong. You won’t be the only one feeling this way. (Whether your ex still misses you and loves you, or not.)
The fact that you still feel love only proves that you’re human, you’re still trying to process and this may be part of you reaching the nostalgia and acceptance…
So accept that it’s there – in the moments that it is – know that it’s okay, and give more love back to yourself. Stop beating yourself up!
10) Work Through Anything Holding You Back
If your tooth was hurting, and you’d tried brushing more, you’d try flossing, and nothing was working – you’d go to the dentist…
No hesitation, right? You’d want it to get better. You wouldn’t even think about it.
On a similar note – if you tried to lose weight by yourself, but it wasn’t working; you need the knowledge, the “strategies” and the motivation, you’d consider signing up for a weight-loss programme or get a personal trainer, right? A lot of people do…
So if you’re struggling to move on after a breakup because you are still in love with an ex, why continue to suffer on your own and prolong the pain?
Get help. Get guidance. Work through it with a Specialist Breakup Coach (like me!)
Professional Breakup Coaching…
There’s no shame in it. It’s a smart move. There may be things making this harder for you, things holding you back.
If we identify them and work through them – not only will it finally get you through this breakup, but make any future breakup far easier to deal with (and not something to fear)…
Plus, by working on yourself in this way, you’re actually far less likely to get in the wrong relationship which will end in a breakup again.
So the value is endless… And I’m saying this for YOU, not me.
See, you can do this by yourself. You can swat up and read further to work through absolutely anything. But know that – if at the end of it all – you’re still finding it difficult, there is ALWAYS someone there who can help you.
You Will Move On From This…
I promise you, as hard as it feels right now, when you’re trying to move on from someone you still love – you’ll get there. This won’t last forever.
And when you do all of the right things, and break the bad habits that are holding you back – you can too, get there faster and easier than you think.
So good luck. Take care. And if you have any questions at all – please don’t hesitate to drop them in the comment box below.
Sending all my love,
Ell_xx
